mac,
I appreciate your post and your insights.
I have no desire to stay here on earth or in this realm of existence. I fervently hope there is an afterlife, and I want to go there when I die -- as long as my beloved husband (and eventually my other loved ones) are there. Basically, I just want to be in a safe, peaceful, joyful place with my husband and the rest of my family and other loved ones, wherever that may be.
Also, I don't blame god for everything. I am agnostic regarding whether such a being exists at all, for starters. If it does, then I do blame it for some things. I do blame it, in part, for my husband's death. I am well aware that there are many factors that played into his death, including him not taking care of himself the way he should have, but come on -- for him to die one week to the day after our wedding? Tell me that isn't a cosmic bad joke! If there is a god, and if my husband's heart attack was unavoidable, then at least god could have made it a smaller heart attack from which he could have recovered.
Beyond my personal life, though -- if god created the universe, including this world, and the laws by which said universe operates, then it created cancer and plague and other illnesses and natural disasters, and I do blame it for that. Things like child abuse and rape and murder are somewhat more difficult to lay at god's metaphorical feet, since those things are also dependent on the free will of humans, but I do think there must have been some way wherein god could have created free will but also implemented some kind of fail-safe that would kick in before real damage was done to others as a result of the free will of some.
And if god did not really have control over the creation of all of those things, or if it did not really create the universe, then as far as I'm concerned it is not "god", as in my opinion creation, determination, free will, and the power to control those things are the hallmarks of god -- anything less is just some minor cosmic force.