Yes losing our newborn was a shock to our souls and blackness of the deepest sort descended on us for quite some time. Life went on all around us, of course, like nothing had happened and it was a surreal time. Certain everyday events still can bring back the feeling from that time, especially for my wife. The UK had a glorious spring and beautiful summer and my wife will remark when she hears certain birds singing early in the morning how it reminds her of the glorious spring she should have been a mother. I remember other things but can only ever feel the loss as a father; for a mother it must be near unbearable. Occasionally something will bring back to me how I used to wake very early in the morning to hear her sobbing uncontrollably after she'd woken from drug-assisted sleep to her continuing nightmare. That went on for months..... I'd forgotten she'd lost her son - it's a long time ago. Until recently I'd thought only occasionally of the times I've related recently and of the several books by her that we both enjoyed and which comforted us. No I'd never met Doris and neither had my wife; she knew nothing about either of us. I read the stories but to the best of my recollection they were debunked. There's always someone who wants to hurt under the pretext of revealing fraud. The web is awash with crap that's alleged to be fact and I'm cautious of all such stories as you found. absolutely not As best I can recall I didn't go out from work that lunchtime for anything other than a short walk, a break from being in work. I've mentally looked back many times at what happened and always came to the same conclusion. I felt that I was 'taken over' from the time I decided to leave work and 'taken' down the High Street and steered into the shop and right up to the point of picking up the book - which at that time meant nothing to me and neither did its subject. My actions seemed so deliberate that even now it still feels like they were orchestrated. I've done what you've suggested but it's quite the challenge for him to find something his dad would recognise as a sign he's around. He knows that I know he'll be there at times but not at all times. There's no actual need for him to stay around me or his mom although he does sometimes give her little signs. I can just hear him 'saying' "Mi dad doesn't need that stuff!" It's what I'd be saying in his position! And he's right although it would be nice to recognise something. Yes you're right, Lola, about him growing into an adult and I'd think it was quite quickly too. There would not have been a need for a conventionally long childhood. It's rather unusual to be speaking at such length about those times and circumstances. I usually say little about them unless I think it might help someone who's struggling. It would feel self-indulgent without that. Over the years I've particularly tried to help anyone bereaved by neo-natal death and stillbirth but it's often tricky to know what to say, be that face-to-face or online. Grief devastates parents and talking about death is even harder when they're hurting so much.