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Discussion in 'After-Death Communication' started by Bill Z, Nov 17, 2017.

  1. Bill Z

    Bill Z Established Member

    I am sorry. I am at the end of my rope. I am not suicidal but there is nothing in this life for me any more.
  2. lovehim

    lovehim New Member

    Bill, I'm newer here and new to the entire grief process (he passed 11/17/17 at age 29, unexpectedly, while working at home) -- specifically as it relates to a partner, and I just want to say, that there are days when I wake up and feel this exact same way. I wouldn't take my own life, but I begin to think there's no purpose in my living my life anymore. I like to think that he chose this unfortunate early exit at 29 for a reason - I don't feel comforted knowing that he's not physically with me, but I trust that wherever he is, he thinks there's a purpose in my living my life. Otherwise, I would be gone too...

    Without him, my life is essentially a wreck, but I pause to think that perhaps this suffering has its purpose, and that living without him was supposed to teach me something. Do I know what? No. Do I think it's fair? No. Do I believe there is anything for me in this life without him? No.

    ...But he did, otherwise things would have been different.

    Bill, this is jut me using a lot of words to say: you're not alone. I'm having those same waves of emotions as you are, but perhaps we'll learn what lesson we were supposed to get from all of this only after we join them...and that might not be any time soon. It's painful, unbearable, and even saddening to think that they could be somewhere without us... seeing what we're doing at all times, when we're lucky if we can even dream of them from time to time. There is a purpose; we just don't yet know what that purpose is, but we'll learn when we pass...and we'll be reunited again.

    Blessings to you.
  3. Bill Z

    Bill Z Established Member

    I needed to get this out. Three years ago when Susie was struggling I bought Her a little cockatiel, Larry, to keep Her company when I was in work. Susie wanted a dog or cat but with taking care of Her a dog would be too much and I'm allergic to cats. They really bonded and it was a beautiful experience. Susie picked the little Man out in the pet store.
    They clipped his wings when He was still at the store and we got Him when He was 8 weeks old. As His feathers grew back I used to try to get Him to fly. I'd put Him on a flip lid trash can and flip the lid so He'd jump off. He'd go a few feet and a little more each day. The little guy had 9 lives. We had a ceiling fan on in the other room and He had never flown more than 5 feet but one day He flew clear into the other room right into the ceiling fan and splattered on the carpet. I learned the meaning of spread eagle that day. I thought the little guy bought the farm, He was shaken but OK. No more ceiling fans for us. Funny that over time He'd fly onto the fan blades to push them and use it as His merry go round. Over time He flew into the toilet and was going down but I saved Him. He flew near the fire on the stove, the little guy was tough as nails. I stepped on Him because I didn't see Him and I thought He'd live forever.
    As Susie got worse She still did the dishes but Her balance was getting worse so over time I watched Her shatter most of our dishes as She dropped them. No use arguing with my strong headed Goddess so I just swept the broken dishes. One day She dropped several and I went ballistic "WTF!" I shouted and Larry flew into my face thinking I was attacking Her and bit me and drew blood. The little Man was fearless and very protective of His girlfriend.
    He had a sense of humor and was incredibly intelligent. He'd hit me in the head with His wing or feet when my back was turned to get me to chase Him through the house. He would sit on Susie's shoulder as She walked back and forth with Her OCD for hours. He was devoted to Susie, He loved and protected Her.
    He was there when She transitioned and just sat and watched over Her dying body. He grieved Her loss as did I.
    Yesterday He seemed very weak. He flew for a few seconds and dropped. I picked my little sweet Man up and He passed in my hands. They are together again as I await my time to rejoin my sweet family on the other side. Through dowsing Susie has told me She's with Him and I am jealous.
    In some way I knew He was going home soon. I slept with Him a few nights this past week. I'd put paper towels on Susie's pillow when She was still here physically and He'd stand on Her pillow all night and watch Her. I did the same on my pillow this week and am thankful that we spent these last days together.
    Funny that just this past week I started feeding the pigeons in the park that Susie loved to go for walks in. They know me now and when I pull up they fly toward me. They land on my arms and shoulders and eat from my hand. Yesterday morning I made a little girl's day! She and her mom were watching me and I gave her some bird food and she was thrilled to feed these beautiful flying beings.
    I came home and my little Prince Larry passed in my hands. I am communicating with my Angel Susie and perhaps I might communicate with my little Man but He's probably busy hanging with His girlfriend.

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  4. Bill Z

    Bill Z Established Member

    Thank you Lovehim. I was typing the above post about my little Man Larry when you posted.
    We are never alone and I begin to understand myself as the child feeling totally alone in the darkness of night when in reality the parents are a few feet away in the next room ready to help if anything "bad" happens. Susie has told me over and over "you are never alone". I'm just too thick headed to realize it.
  5. mac

    mac Staff Member

    thanks, bill. I'm really sorry to hear how down you are.
  6. mac

    mac Staff Member

    This is not intended as advice - I don't give advice unless I'm sure I know it's the right advice but maybe you'll consider a suggestion? If you haven't done this already would you think about reaching out to your GP to ask for a mild, short-term mood-lifter to help break the unrelenting grief you're experiencing?

    I don't advocate taking drugs routinely and I do realise no drug can make things right and may bring its own problems. But some drugs, taken for a short time, can help individuals through the deepest of their darkness and give them a break from the overwhelming grief that dominates their lives.
  7. Bill Z

    Bill Z Established Member

    Thanks Mac. My grief was lessening but my little Prince Larry's passing reopened the wound. The strange thing is I sensed His passing the week before and I spent more time with Him. I intellectually and even spiritually understand that Larry and little Susie are still here and better than they were but my simple humanity lacks the emotional ability to accept it most times.
    That said I reach out to others and feed many, many birds almost every day. I frequent one of Susie's favorite parks along the Hudson river and the birds see my car and fly over. They eat from my hand. I actually have trouble walking without stepping on them. People stop and take pictures. I love to give little children bird food (if their parents are ok with it) to feed them and they light up! I am bringing joy to humans and animals in the love and light of Susie and now (sadly) Larry.
    I am giving back as much as I can but I still miss Larry and His girlfriend Susie so very much.
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  8. mac

    mac Staff Member

    One of the sad aspects of understanding survival is that it doesn't necessarily prevent our missing the physical presence of the loved one now departed. I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious but it's an important point. Most of us humans need to grieve our loss. On a philosophical note it's the only time we get to experience this feeling of desperate loss because everywhere else away from this dimension (or similar) we know the score.

    What you're doing in your home-town is working through your grief with the things you're doing and as the enjoyment you're feeling is (I think) a sign that you're starting to come to terms with your situation. And you know, don't you, that Susie and her feathered friend will be close to you as you do those things? ;)
  9. Widdershins3

    Widdershins3 Active Member

    bill zola, I hope that your acute grief has eased a bit. Like you, I love animals and especially birds so much that the loss of one of them is nearly unbearable when it happens. One of the wild Scrub Jays I'd fed since she was a baby actually flew to me to die years ago. I'd walked out onto my deck with a handful of peanuts when I caught a glimpse of a streak of bright blue heading for me. She hit my ankle and dropped to my shoe. The second I picked her up and looked into her eyes, I knew she had minutes left, so I cradled her in my hand and stroked her breast. She kept eye contact with me and her breathing gradually quieted until it stopped. I still get tears in my eyes just typing that. She'd been my buddy, hanging out with me as I gardened for several years. She would sometimes sing softly to me in a tone completely unlike a jay's usual harsh squawks. We were friends.

    I also had a meeting with a lovely young Brazilian woman at the Spiritualist church in San Francisco last weekend. She was seated behind me and when the medium came to her with a message from her father, she began to cry. Later, she came and sat beside me at the coffee & cake social hour after the service and we had a wonderful talk about our fathers and how much we miss them. There is so much grief in this world. I told her that over the years since I lost my son and then my father, the best description of the process of healing is that each death leaves a sort of hole in us. Over time, the edges heal, but the hole remains and we become a different person from the one untouched by grief. And I think that is a normal process for life here on Earth. We can accept it or we can rail against it, but it's a lesson--sometimes the greatest one with which we will grapple while we're here. If it's any consolation, I still now and then feel overwhelmed by my grief, but as time passes I've learned to hold on, because I now know that it will pass enough that I can love life again.
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  10. Bill Z

    Bill Z Established Member

    Thank you Mac & Widdershins. I posted someplace here about EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique (). This is a 9 minute video that lays out the technique and it really reduces the grief.

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