I didn't mind your post last night, Carol, as i know you are well-intentioned. Regarding the "signs" from my husband -- i have ALWAYS considered them to possibly be actual signs from him, i just didn't know, and still don't know, if that's actually what they are (as opposed to my own wishful thinking). I'm sorry that my talk about how i hate life and want to die upsets you and/or makes you feel bad, but that's just the truth of how it is for me, and that isn't going to change. I know you and others here want me to feel better, but please just stop, because that is never going to happen in this life. The things you suggest i write in a journal, while perhaps objectively positive things, are not good for me. They only point out to me, in starker contrast, that my sweetheart isn't here to share them with me. They don't help me.