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How do we know if we are holding a loved one back from progressing in the afterlife?

Discussion in 'After-Death Communication' started by Linda, May 10, 2012.

  1. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor


    I agree that if there's a god, s/he should not punish us for grieving when our loved ones die, no matter how we express that grief, and especially if s/he made us this way.

    I used to believe that if there's a god, that god would love us unconditionally. I don't know if I believe that anymore, though. It would be good if it's true, but then again in my opinion if there were a god who loved me, s/he wouldn't have allowed my husband to die when he did.

    So intellectually I agree with what you've said, and in the past I would have completely agreed with you emotionally as well. But now I have no faith in anything, particularly god.
  2. Highlander

    Highlander Active Member

    I think it's not healthy in any sense to allow a single exogenous event to control one's life. Whenever anything bad happens in life we have a choice as to how to deal with our circumstance. To relinquish control or to blame someone or something is like saying we are powerless victims subject to the whims of external forces. Wrong. Although we can't always control what happens to us or around us, we can control our personal level of suffering.
    This is the same as saying "I want the future and can't handle the present", or "When or if this or that happens, THEN I'll be happy; but not until". But we can't live in the past or the future; all there is is NOW.
  3. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor


    This single event of my husband's death does now control my life, and I have no control over my suffering. How could I? The love of my life is gone. I hope he still exists in an afterlife, and I want nothing more than to be with him, but he is not here in this life with me as he should be. As far as I'm concerned, we are powerless victims, subject to either god's whims, if there is a god, or just the whims of fate or the universe or life or whatever. Not that we have no say in what happens to us, we have some control via the choices we make, but we can't control the most important things like keeping our loved ones with us. Maybe you can control your level of suffering, but I can't.

    I WAS happy, when my husband was here with me (and before I met him). Not that we had no problems -- we had financial difficulties, family members with health issues, his bitch of an incubator (she doesn't deserve to be called a mother), etc. But we always loved each other, and we always appreciated each other, and together we could get through anything. The only "now" for me is one of pain, so it's no wonder I don't want it.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
  4. I have felt like this, not because of a death but in other situations of loss where my pain was very deep and hung on for a very long time -- much more so than most people would experience in the same situation.

    Anti-depressants helped a lot with this problem. I know you said ant-depressants didn't help you before, but that doesn't mean they won't help now, and there are many more types available than there used to be.

    It won't change the situation, and maybe it won't make you as happy or fulfilled as you used to be, but if it makes you feel even a little bit better, that seems like it would be worthwhile.

    I know I haven't been through what you and PB99 are going through, and I probably never would go through that because I don't experience my marriage in the same way. I love my husband, we are good companions and partners, if he was gone I would miss him, but my life would still have meaning and happiness without him, as it did before we were married. So I don't mean to be judging either of you for feeling the way you do -- feelings can't be judged, anyway. I think we just want to help if we can, and if nothing helps then we care about you anyway.
  5. PB99

    PB99 New Member

    Thank you Celera - yes I think it's so true what you say - feelings can only be felt only by the individual & feelings can't be judged. I do appreciate that everyone here wants to help, but maybe Bluebird & I can't be helped...helplessness is a fundamental part of grief. As is loss of hope, loss of motivation, anger, loss of spirit, no will to live, pessimism and so forth. For some, they feel the only relief would be to leave this life because the loss is too much to bear. Without their beloved spouse, life becomes merely an existence.

    I too have used anti depressants & they haven't worked, apart from subduing the intense pain in the first few weeks. But they haven't worked otherwise. I also attend grief counselling and have said that I'm more afraid to stay (exist) than to die - death would be welcome and doesn't frighten me at all. I'll then go to my love and be with him for eternity. Before my husband died, I never, ever thought I would feel this way.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
  6. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I'm sorry you've felt this kind of pain too, Celera. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    The medications i used to take, while often prescribed for depression, are also often prescribed for OCD and panic/anxiety, which is what i was taking them for (i wasn't depressed, before my husband died). They did help a lot with those things, and eventually i no longer needed to take them. I won't take them now because of a few reasons -- first, because i am depressed for a valid reason, not due to a chemical imbalance, and a medication wouldn't change that; second, because i don't want to take any medication; third, because i have no health insurance and can't afford it. I have a small supply of xanax, and a couple of months worth of Lunesta (sleeping pills), though i rarely take either because i don't really get panic attacks anymore (the worst thing has already happened).

    I understand you aren't judging the nature of my relationship with my husband, or of PB99's with hers, but please do understand that such a strong connection really does mean that the life of the partner left behind when the other dies is destroyed. It's not a choice, it's just how it is. In my case, i'm sure it has to do partly with my husband dying a week after our wedding, and completely unexpectedly. That is something i can never get over. Had my husband died thirty years from now it would still suck and i would still be sad, but perhaps not quite as devastated. We have been robbed of our life.
  7. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I completely agree with PB99's post, especially her first paragraph.
  8. Of course you don't have to take any sort of medication, and I know that having health insurance makes a big difference. But the meds that I found helpful are not the ones you mention, I would ask about the newer SSRI's. But I'm not trying to start a big conversation about psychiatric medications -- I can only say that these happened to be helpful to me.

    You may be depressed for a valid reason, but that doesn't mean that you don't a) have a chemical imbalance, however that is defined or b) couldn't use medication to moderate the pain you are in. If you hit your head on a wall, you would have a headache for a legitimate reason, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take an aspirin.
  9. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    Even if i took a medication, if it helped the help would be false, a fake "better". I can't ACTUALLY feel better. This pain can't be medicated away.
  10. Carol and Mikey

    Carol and Mikey Golden Hearts

    Hi Bluebird,
    Last night I decided to post in a way that is not my normal. I took a tougher approach to see what would unfold. I am pleased with the many posts that followed. I stirred up a discussion with many good points made for all who joined in! I am hopeful that this may shine even a tiny piece of light for you. Everyone cares about you Bluebird! We are trying to help. :)
    First of all, of course your anger does not change your love for your husband , family or pets. In fact, I am sure your love for your husband is more intense than ever, as is his love for you! Anger shuts the door on the loving help and efforts others are trying to give you to help you. All of us here have tried for over a year to help in any way we can. We just want you to try, even just a little , to listen to a suggestion. We are doing this out of love. Just even a very little. :)
    I am thrilled with your response to my shutting the door on communication comment! You brought up your signs from your dear husband! I find hope in that you are now considering them to be a possibility! That is progress my friend!
    Mac, your post shows your true kindness that I know and it was great to see you defend Bluebird. None of us know how each other feels. Of course not. Each experience is individual. Each grief journey is different. My concern is when I see continued talk about how horrible life is and it is not worth living, etc. that scares me terribly and makes me feel ishy. I don't want anyone to hurt themselves or take their own life. I want them to get the appropriate help. I guess I see to much stuff at work.
    Celera, again great points in your posts!
    Vic, you are correct, we do not get punished for how we grieve. But I do feel some choices we make on the grief journey can make matters even worse. And with that comes much much greater suffering here. That is why even just to try a little to soften it just a little is so important. They talk about the dangers of getting "stuck" in the anger stage of grief at support groups and how this is so unhealthy not only to yourself but other loved ones as well. Mikey also tells me the pain can be unbearable to watch for them. They absolutely feel our emotions. This is very difficult for them too! I tried for the love of my son.
    PB99, thank you for your posts too! I know how hard this is and you are in the very raw stages! But I pray Bluebird will at least try like you. Even in your terrible grief, you are seeking help. You are trying. You are going to counseling. Even if not much is gained in a session, you are still making an effort. This is so very important. The pain can be unbearable. But to at least try even a little........thank you. :)
    Highlander, you and I are on the same page. We need to make a choice to at last try. We have to make an effort. Celera said the same thing. It takes time, a long time. But time does build tolerance.
    Bluebird, we love you here. My challenge was tough I know but I wanted to push it last night. You know, I journal a lot. What about if you just write down one thing positive everyday. For example, the sun is shining. I relaxed when I walked my dog. I had coffee with my family. This may be a start. :)
    Peace and love to you!

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