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How do we know if we are holding a loved one back from progressing in the afterlife?

Discussion in 'After-Death Communication' started by Linda, May 10, 2012.

  1. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I don't believe that any "information from any source" can be proven to be true. Some people believe a particular source or sources, and that's fine, I don't say they shouldn't. But as far as I'm concerned, there's no proof that any particular possible source is right about the afterlife.

    As a result, all I have to go on is my own feelings.

    To a certain extent, yes I do believe that I won't be delayed from being with my husband because I want that to be the case. However, I also believe that if there is an afterlife, that's how it actually will be. I could be wrong, of course, but I don't think I am. And as I've said -- even if I am wrong, at least if I die and then find myself in an afterlife, I will know that my beloved still exists and is all right, and I would much prefer to die this second and know that to be true, even if it meant that there would be a delay in my actually being with him, than to continue this farce of a life.
  2. Carol and Mikey

    Carol and Mikey Golden Hearts

    Hi Bluebird,
    There are some very interesting and thought provoking posts here from Celera and Roberta. Certainly some serious food for thought.
    I just realized that you have been with us now for a year. Tough grief journeys many of us are on here. As I read through your many posts, I was wondering if you are exhausted? The energy it must take to continue to take the stand of anger because of the situation must be absolutely exhausting! I barely had the energy in my first year to handle the pain from my grief. I did not have any energy left for anger. I felt sick enough without it! Anger slams the door on hope. It slams the door on love. It shuts the door for communication. (Though I know you don't believe that is possible.) Why keep doing this? There is absolutely nothing to gain. The continued negativity makes me feel ishy and it pulls down others who are bereaved. Sorry. :(
    I have a challenge for you. I want you to try to post only positive things for 4 weeks. I want you to act like you have hope. I want you to only talk positive to your family and friends. No blame or anger. I want you not to resist any supportive suggestion to you. Then I want to see if you notice a change in anything in your life. I want to know if people treat you differently. Will you try this for your husband you love so?
  3. mac

    mac Staff Member

    You're right about eventually knowing if there is an afterlife - if there isn't then none of us will ever know! If there is it will be a relief because - as you point out - you'll then know that your husband is also around somewhere. How soon you'd get back together I don't know and I'm not going into all the stuff that's been talked about before. At least you'll know that it's possible whereas right now you don't.

    As for this thing 'God' it really doesn't matter one way or another. We've been down the 'what God is' road too many times to be taking the journey again but whatever God is you won't get any worse, or any better, deal than anyone else. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be and the 'process' will essentially be the same for all of us.

    I don't know if hating God now or still hating after you've passed would make things harder for you but I don't think for one moment that the hating aspect will matter to anyone other than yourself, if indeed it matters at all in the final outcome. But it's a possibility that you might create for yourself difficulty in adjusting to the new situation; again I just don't know but whatever happens you're going to have to deal with it when the time comes. I truly hope that adjustment won't be hard and won't take long, however the period 'long' might be measured.

    For now just getting through life here is all you're able to do and it's not right for anyone to feel reproachful about it. They're not walking in your shoes so they don't KNOW how things are for YOU even if they're traveling a similar path.

    Like me I expect many wish they could help but up to press no-one has anywhere-near achieved it but I still hope that one day things will change for you.
  4. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I agree that there are interesting posts; my not sharing the views of the posters doesn't diminish that.

    Of course I am exhausted; I have been since my husband died. But it's not as though I use my energy to be angry -- I'm not trying to be angry, I simply AM angry. It's not an intentional stance, it's just how it is, along with sadness. My anger does not in any way "slam the door on love" -- I love my husband and my family (& pets) as much as always. I also don't agree that my sadness and anger "shuts the door on communication"; as I've mentioned before, I have had what may very well be signs, what other people I've mentioned them to consider to be strong signs.

    If you all want me to stop posting here because it makes you feel bad, then I will, as it's not my intent to make anyone feel bad. But my posts will never be "positive", because my life will never again be positive. I truly don't understand how you or anyone else who has had a close loved one die can feel any positivity. I'm glad for you that you can, but I don't understand it.

    And while I understand the reason for your challenge, there's no way I could or would do what you suggest.
  5. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    Thanks for understanding, mac. Yes, if I die and exist in an afterlife that would help, as I would know that my husband exists and is happy & well & safe. I don't know if hating god makes any difference either, especially as i'm far from convinced any such being or force or whatever exists -- but it doesn't really matter either way, as I haven't chosen to feel this way, it is just one of the natural effects caused by my husband's death. There would be no point in trying to pretend I don't feel this way -- that would just be hypocritical, and I won't do that (besides which, it wouldn't actually change anything, so there would be no point).

    You're right that no one can know what this is like for me, just as I can't know what it's like for anyone else. I am truly flabbergasted by the way other people are able, to varying degrees, to move on with their lives after the death of a loved one, or to even want to. I'm not saying they are wrong to do so -- i'm sure it's better for them, and if there's an afterlife it probably makes their dead loved one(s) happy, certainly happier than my husband must be about my life and despair, if there is an afterlife in which he exists and feels. I just cannot comprehend it. It's very frustrating, because most people don't understand how/why I feel as I do, or at least they don't understand how/why I continue to feel this way and will always feel this way.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
  6. bluebird, I understand your reaction to Carol's post, although I also understand what she is getting at. I can see how it feels to you like hypocrisy to say positive things when you don't feel positive. But it doesn't have to be hypocrisy, people do it all the time. We do it at work, we do it with our kids, we do it to some degree with our friends and spouses. We act loving and helpful and interested even when we feel like we'd rather scream and hit things. We act confident when we are terrified, and eventually we learn to actually be confident. Is it in AA that they say "Fake it til you make it"? It's often true, anyway.

    Four weeks is pretty long, though. I would try for something more modest, like just allowing yourself to feel good about one thing per day. Even if it's just a piece of pie that tastes good, or some nice weather, or your dog wagging its tail. Even in tough times, even if you don't fully feel the enjoyment, those things are objectively good things.

    Saying that you will never feel better is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's in the nature of feelings that they seem permanent even when they are not. If you could just say to yourself, "no matter how I feel right now, it's theoretically possible that I will feel better some day in the future" -- if you just admitted that to yourself a couple of minutes a day, things would start to get a tiny bit better.

    People don't get over grief by magic. They get over it by making an effort, by choosing to re-engage in life even when they don't totally feel like it.

    In spite of all that, I hope you don't stop posting here because I like you and I think you are a good and thoughtful person.
  7. PB99

    PB99 New Member

    Dear Bluebird - although our circumstances were probably very different, I think I understand a little of how you feel, especially that it would be hypocritical to pretend to feel other than how you DO feel.

    With my dear husband here, I was positive, cherished life in all it's shades of happiness or sadness, full of hope, optimistic, fulfilled and blissfully happy because we were us. I was so afraid of one if us dying though. Now he's not here, I'm the other side of those coins....negative, wish to leave this life, pessimistic, without hope. I'm resigned to existing because I have to as long as my body exists...but for me, I just want to join my husband for eternity. I am truly more afraid to live than to die.

    I think posters on this site really do mean well, but everyone's life experience is different, and for each of us, losing a spouse is different too, and so are the feelings for each person. Like you, I cant and wont fake my feelings because that's not real & to me, it isn't helpful either.

    I do pray to my darling to help me find some strength because I truly have none. I have no courage or resilience either, nor do I have any will to live. I am though, becoming resigned that this is my cross to bear, that my heart will never mend, nor will I find my spirit until I am with my darling. I believe my work on this earth is done, and life here doesn't have any meaning or purpose (my husband (us) Was the meaning & purpose to our earthly lives. My ONLY hope is that I can be with him very, very soon.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
  8. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I can DO things, I just don't feel anything. Like I went to my sister's at Christmas, mostly in order to make my family happy. It was nice being with my family, but at the same time it's tiring. They liked their presents, which is good, and I liked mine, which is good, but mostly I felt nothing. Christmas doesn't mean anything to me anymore, other than another supposed "special occasion" that my husband isn't there with me. Food mostly doesn't taste good to me anymore, even food I used to really like, like ice cream. I can acknowledge if something is objectively "good", but it still doesn't actually mean anything to me, or make me feel any better. Good weather just angers me, because my husband isn't here to share it with me.

    For some people "fake it til you make it" can work. Not for me. For me it would be hypocritical. Pretending to be ok for even a short time makes me feel even worse; it's a big part of why I have a hard time spending time with my family, and why I don't want to be with any other people at all. They (people in general) expect me to carry on with the daily things of life, while every second my soul is screaming.

    My grief will never go away, not because I will myself to feel bad, but because my husband died. His death ended my life, period.
  9. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I think you and I feel very similarly to each other. Seriously, most things you post here I fully agree/identify with.

    Before I met my husband I had a good life -- had friends, an apt., went to grad school, travelled, etc. After I met him my life was even better, with him and his love in it, through good and bad, as you expressed. And now that he isn't here, I just want to die. I have ZERO desire to be in this life, without him, and that will never change. Like you, I am afraid to live, but not afraid to die.

    You said "I think posters on this site really do mean well, but everyone's life experience is different, and for each of us, losing a spouse is different too, and so are the feelings for each person. Like you, I cant and wont fake my feelings because that's not real & to me, it isn't helpful either." -- I completely agree with this. I know that people here mean well, but they can't know what this is like for me. If they did, they would not even try to make me "get on with life" in even the slightest way.

    There is no meaning to my life anymore, either. I also feel no purpose, but even if god or whatever does have something that it wants me to do, I don't care. I'm done. I just hope to die as soon as possible, so that I can be with my husband (if an afterlife exists) or at least be out of this pain.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
  10. Grief, in all its stages of denial, anger, depression etc., is a natural part of life. Why would any 'god' wire us that way, then punish us for it? If there is a God (and I trust that there are omnibenevolent spiritual beings who could fit that role), that God will love us unconditionally just the way we are.

    With Lovingkindness (metta),

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