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They're happy!

Discussion in 'General Afterlife Discussions' started by DenverGuy, May 4, 2017.

  1. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Member

    I think I may have touched on this before - sorry - it's really on my mind again - but I was talking with someone who recently lost her husband. She's having a rough time.

    We agree on a lot of our thoughts, but then she said that she believed that her husband is happy and that she will be happy. That's great! But then she said that my girlfriend is very happy, and that I should be happy. I disagree.

    Maybe I'm missing something here, and maybe it's me, but cancer ripped us apart. Most importantly she suffered, but so did everyone around her. She and I didn't want or ask for this. We loved being with each other. But now she loves not being with me, not going to Costco together (which she really loved doing), not doing all of the little and fun things that people do together? Of course I don't want her to suffer now or feel bad, but I guess I'd feel (selfishly) bad if she was really happy now. I hope that makes sense.

    And if she's so happy, that means that I am supposed to be happy? What? Nothing has changed. I now have to go through days and nights without her, I'm so lonely without her, we can't talk about our day, I take trips alone now. A huge light inside of me has been turned off. It's been 10 1/2 months, and I miss her desperately and think about her almost non-stop. Is it me?
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  2. Amore

    Amore Member

    Your feelings are a natural part of grieving. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. One day they might change and you will feel happy for her, and for yourself again. It takes time. Be patient, and don't think that you 'should' feel this way or that. There's nothing wrong with what you feel now. It's very normal and natural. I know it's not easy though.

    Do you have a creative, energetic outlet for these feelings?
    Unexpected likes this.
  3. ShingingLight1967

    ShingingLight1967 Active Member

    Hi DenverGuy!

    Boy do I know and understand about what you are saying and feeling. I was told several times that my husband was happy and it would make me angry. It made me angry because how can he be happy when he has left me here to deal with this? To clean up his mess? When I am alone and heartbroken, how can he be happy? I think that made me hurt and so much more angry.

    I understand now what they meant that he is happy not because he wasnt with me, doing the most mundane things we would do together, but because his spirit was free from his body that was failing him. He was so much sicker than we both realized (Obviously, he died of a heart attack at 46- 90% blockage in 2 arteries) and the fact that he no longer had to haul that failing body around anymore made him happy.

    Does it help me? IDK. I guess it makes me feel better that he is not lost and alone somewhere. I guess it makes me feel better that he is OK. I know that was one of my biggest fears or concerns when this all started. Is he OK? Is he lost? Is he alone? Does he understand what is going on? How can I find him. How can I help him. But, trying to understand that he is OK eases my mind a little.

    Still doesnt change the material fact that he is not sitting next to me right now (physically) on this Friday night, discussion what we are going to do this weekend.
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  4. Rising

    Rising Member

    As It is only 6 months that I lost my husband , it still feels quite raw, I think about him all the time and wondering what he is doing in his new world.
    I am happy for him, he is out of his sick earthly body and all fit and well again, he has been reunited with the Dog he loved when he was a child, I HAVE to be happy for him otherwise I would go nuts and what makes me feel better is that I have sensed him around me , I know its not the same but thats all I have now and I know one day I will see him again.
    I feel for you all that have lost a loved one, the emptiness is Cruel I know, Denver guy, I wish I could take your pain away !
    Amore likes this.
  5. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I'm sending you a hug.
  6. ShingingLight1967

    ShingingLight1967 Active Member

    Hi Rising....

    First off... all the hugs to you. I know where you sit, big time. It's been almost 18 months since I lost my husband and there are times that it still doesnt feel real.

    I was thinking about this the other day, and how the first few weeks/months after it happened, I was desperately searching for him. I was scared and worried about him. Was he OK? Was he lost? Does he need me? How can I get to him to make sure he was ok. I was so desperate. I think he was also desperate to reach me and let me know he was OK, which is why I received so many communications from him. He showed me in a series of dreams that he was OK, and not restrained by his failing body. I still remember those dreams to this day... vividly.

    Is he happy? I have had 3 mediums tell me that he was exploring his new "life". He was meeting with people who he admired here... one medium told me he was hanging with Paul Newman at the "track". How perfect, because we are race car fans and Paul Newman!? I think he is happy, although I am not happy he decided he needed our dog with him. Like he doesnt already have two or 3 of our other dogs, he had to take my Ange girl.

    I havent felt him really since last December. I havent had a dream or really felt his presence. But I do believe, I have to believe he is happy.

    And you are right Rising, them emptiness is the hardest thing. And sometimes, it makes me angry. Because if I believe that he is happy, then I think that here I am lost and lonely, and he is happy.
    Rising likes this.
  7. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    "And sometimes, it makes me angry. Because if I believe that he is happy, then I think that here I am lost and lonely, and he is happy."

    May I suggest that your husband can generally feel happy in his new life yet sad because you're sad in your new one? I don't see discarnate life as being one of unalloyed, blissful happiness but one involving a mixture of emotions - just as in life here but without humankind's desperate sadness about death and loss.

    I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, shininglight, but you have had more evidence than many. What more could you reasonably expect from your husband? You'll likely always miss his presence but would you want not to miss him? He'll miss being with you now but knows it won't be too long before you're back together.

    I think you know that too....
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  8. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Member

    ShiningLight196, thanks for your response. We're on the same page - glad I'm not alone. "Happy" is a word that I don't use very often anymore. It's not appropriate in my world.

    Thank you, Rising. I appreciate that. I wish I could help you.

    I am believing more and more that they don't really leave us, and that they are still aware of us. I am doing Dr. Piero Parisetti's "Bases for a Rational Belief in Life After Life" (I wonder if they mean "basis?") webinar tomorrow AM.

    Unlike many people, I want companionship, but have zero desire for another romantic relationship. It might sound funny, but I don't want anything to get between me and her. She was, and is, everything.

    What I really wish (don't we all!) that there was a way to be sometimes hypnotized and put in another "zone" in which we could communicate with them almost as though we were with them. I think about that a lot!
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
    Rising likes this.
  9. Amore

    Amore Member

    I just read in the ITC section, someone said they had a real good talk with their deceased son. Maybe you (and also others here who long for contact with a loved one) should try that technique?
    Rising likes this.
  10. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Member

    Thanks - I will look into that!
  11. Goldie

    Goldie Member

    You took the words right out of my mouth with my situation.

    Thank you for sharing this. I used to get quite upset when people would tell me my sweetie was happy now (he was happy with me before he died). This completely opposes the compassion and love we shared and felt with and for the other. My guy died suddenly, so it wasn't like he had any relief from ailments. We were there for each other, not leave one to go be happy while the other was suffering. I question those that turn the deceased into narcissistic indifferent beings and then labeled us unloving or selfish if we weren't happy for them. We are in devastation and deep loss of our companion. Where's the happiness in that? The remark is so counter to real love. It's contrary to the way we were with each other. I hope my guy misses me as much as I miss him. I wish the people on earth would stop talking for them. They don't really know them like we did, or know anything about their personal perspective. I don't like people boxing up what we feel into the word "grief" either. It's not a process. We deeply miss the other half of our love that had their essence and being in it. We don't grieve them like grandma or mom or dad. It's quite different because I've had all kinds of other deaths around me. This is quite different. Words cannot express it adequately. And no matter how far along we get in the "process" to satisfy what the world says we "should" do, be and feel, we will not be the same without them. People don't really understand this kind of union of love. If they did, they would be more thoughtful about what they say to us.
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  12. Goldie

    Goldie Member

    An outlet for grief? The only one I think of are tears and more tears. Everything reminds me of him. I know you meant well but it's makes no sense to me when people say that. Relief would be to die to be with him. I welcome death. Now there's an outlet.
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  13. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

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  14. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    I understand that this is a difficult time for you, but certainly you don't want someone you love to be miserably unhappy? He is now in a beautiful, earth-like place where the very air that he breathes is love, and he can be close to you whenever he likes so he doesn't miss you the way that you miss him: he can always be right there with you! As has been reported elsewhere, you and he even can be intimate again if you like, if he doesn't think it will upset you, and (especially) if you can lessen your grief enough so you will allow him back into your life. Grief is among the most low-vibration of emotions, so it can act as a barrier between us and those that we used to think were dead.

    He loves you. He can be right there with you, and perhaps he is there all the time! So he is happy. Please, dear, don't begrudge him that!
  15. Goldie

    Goldie Member

    Until you've lost someone you dearly love deeply, you don't know what it's like and your words do nothing but rub salt in our wounds. I will not discuss this further with you.
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  16. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    You seem to be so engulfed in your grief that you aren't understanding what is being said here. I use to be the same way and still remain that way at times. But Roberta and other members are trying to help you. You may read things that you don't want to hear which is a normal human reaction. But just be greatful that others are at least trying to help you here. What a gift that people actually care.

    This forum may get frustrating at times, but there are other options if you need a break. Engage in other forums that can help you along with this one. Go to the bookstore and research. Attend free meetings in your town regarding depression. Meet someone half way somewhere.
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  17. Unexpected

    Unexpected Active Member

    I am one who has lost a love that words cannot explain. A love I didn't know existed, a true love. When I read this, I felt compassion and a message of hope. It didn't bother me at all but perhaps that's because I've had/have different experiences since his passing. What you wrote, I've found to be true.

    After he passed, I was led to this site. I read about their happiness after passing and, yes, I briefly thought is he okay without me? That was hard to process yet I wanted him happy! He fought so hard to stay alive and for so long! Longest battle I've ever known. He was an inspiration to many. Before he died I told him I would not commit suicide (just in case he wondered) and after he passed, I would do my best to move forward although that seemed unimaginable (yeah that's an understatement) because how could I not after everything he did to stay alive? Watching him fight to live and truly enjoy his life with each day that he had, I just had to.

    I do want you all to know that he has only expressed sadness to me one time. It caught me off guard, I didn't see it coming at all. He started sending me images like usual and then I knew what he was setting up (it's a knowing). I was confused and asked why he sent that and he showed me an image like he was crying and said sometimes he misses it. What he misses is doing some things with me but he only wants me to be happy. He's never done that again. He's never sent me a dream telling me it's so great there. I always ask him what he is doing and sometimes I get snow boarding and other times skiing and another time studying. I asked him why he never gives me all this detail about how amazing it is there and all he said was "because you don't need that." I know he has visited loved ones in dreams and told them how beautiful it was. This brought them great peace.

    Regardless, our experiences definitely shape us. Since his passing I have had days of joy. That's completely mind blowing to me. Those days involved him though. He did some things that just brought me a ton of happiness and I carried that with me throughout that day. I'm sure that brings him a lot of happiness, to be able to do that for me. There are days when I'm struggling and I get frustrated with that, with grief but that's just how it is and those days are finally starting to get some space between them thanks to him.

    So I thank you Roberta for sending a message that conveys those connections are still possible, just in a different way. It never replaces their presence here, never! I'd rather have this than nothing. I have a ton of gratitude.

    My heart goes out to all of you that have lost your loved ones.
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  18. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I made an edit by the way.. I can never seem to stop talking at times
  19. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    This is so beautiful, dear Unexpected - Thank you for sharing it!!
    Unexpected likes this.
  20. Unexpected

    Unexpected Active Member

    Thank you. Hopefully it helps someone.

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