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They're happy!

Discussion in 'General Afterlife Discussions' started by DenverGuy, May 4, 2017.

  1. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    I think I may have touched on this before - sorry - it's really on my mind again - but I was talking with someone who recently lost her husband. She's having a rough time.

    We agree on a lot of our thoughts, but then she said that she believed that her husband is happy and that she will be happy. That's great! But then she said that my girlfriend is very happy, and that I should be happy. I disagree.

    Maybe I'm missing something here, and maybe it's me, but cancer ripped us apart. Most importantly she suffered, but so did everyone around her. She and I didn't want or ask for this. We loved being with each other. But now she loves not being with me, not going to Costco together (which she really loved doing), not doing all of the little and fun things that people do together? Of course I don't want her to suffer now or feel bad, but I guess I'd feel (selfishly) bad if she was really happy now. I hope that makes sense.

    And if she's so happy, that means that I am supposed to be happy? What? Nothing has changed. I now have to go through days and nights without her, I'm so lonely without her, we can't talk about our day, I take trips alone now. A huge light inside of me has been turned off. It's been 10 1/2 months, and I miss her desperately and think about her almost non-stop. Is it me?
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  2. Amore

    Amore Active Member

    Your feelings are a natural part of grieving. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. One day they might change and you will feel happy for her, and for yourself again. It takes time. Be patient, and don't think that you 'should' feel this way or that. There's nothing wrong with what you feel now. It's very normal and natural. I know it's not easy though.

    Do you have a creative, energetic outlet for these feelings?
    Unexpected likes this.
  3. ShingingLight1967

    ShingingLight1967 Active Member

    Hi DenverGuy!

    Boy do I know and understand about what you are saying and feeling. I was told several times that my husband was happy and it would make me angry. It made me angry because how can he be happy when he has left me here to deal with this? To clean up his mess? When I am alone and heartbroken, how can he be happy? I think that made me hurt and so much more angry.

    I understand now what they meant that he is happy not because he wasnt with me, doing the most mundane things we would do together, but because his spirit was free from his body that was failing him. He was so much sicker than we both realized (Obviously, he died of a heart attack at 46- 90% blockage in 2 arteries) and the fact that he no longer had to haul that failing body around anymore made him happy.

    Does it help me? IDK. I guess it makes me feel better that he is not lost and alone somewhere. I guess it makes me feel better that he is OK. I know that was one of my biggest fears or concerns when this all started. Is he OK? Is he lost? Is he alone? Does he understand what is going on? How can I find him. How can I help him. But, trying to understand that he is OK eases my mind a little.

    Still doesnt change the material fact that he is not sitting next to me right now (physically) on this Friday night, discussion what we are going to do this weekend.
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  4. Rising

    Rising Member

    As It is only 6 months that I lost my husband , it still feels quite raw, I think about him all the time and wondering what he is doing in his new world.
    I am happy for him, he is out of his sick earthly body and all fit and well again, he has been reunited with the Dog he loved when he was a child, I HAVE to be happy for him otherwise I would go nuts and what makes me feel better is that I have sensed him around me , I know its not the same but thats all I have now and I know one day I will see him again.
    I feel for you all that have lost a loved one, the emptiness is Cruel I know, Denver guy, I wish I could take your pain away !
    Amore likes this.
  5. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I'm sending you a hug.
  6. ShingingLight1967

    ShingingLight1967 Active Member

    Hi Rising....

    First off... all the hugs to you. I know where you sit, big time. It's been almost 18 months since I lost my husband and there are times that it still doesnt feel real.

    I was thinking about this the other day, and how the first few weeks/months after it happened, I was desperately searching for him. I was scared and worried about him. Was he OK? Was he lost? Does he need me? How can I get to him to make sure he was ok. I was so desperate. I think he was also desperate to reach me and let me know he was OK, which is why I received so many communications from him. He showed me in a series of dreams that he was OK, and not restrained by his failing body. I still remember those dreams to this day... vividly.

    Is he happy? I have had 3 mediums tell me that he was exploring his new "life". He was meeting with people who he admired here... one medium told me he was hanging with Paul Newman at the "track". How perfect, because we are race car fans and Paul Newman!? I think he is happy, although I am not happy he decided he needed our dog with him. Like he doesnt already have two or 3 of our other dogs, he had to take my Ange girl.

    I havent felt him really since last December. I havent had a dream or really felt his presence. But I do believe, I have to believe he is happy.

    And you are right Rising, them emptiness is the hardest thing. And sometimes, it makes me angry. Because if I believe that he is happy, then I think that here I am lost and lonely, and he is happy.
    Rising likes this.
  7. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    "And sometimes, it makes me angry. Because if I believe that he is happy, then I think that here I am lost and lonely, and he is happy."

    May I suggest that your husband can generally feel happy in his new life yet sad because you're sad in your new one? I don't see discarnate life as being one of unalloyed, blissful happiness but one involving a mixture of emotions - just as in life here but without humankind's desperate sadness about death and loss.

    I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, shininglight, but you have had more evidence than many. What more could you reasonably expect from your husband? You'll likely always miss his presence but would you want not to miss him? He'll miss being with you now but knows it won't be too long before you're back together.

    I think you know that too....
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  8. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    ShiningLight196, thanks for your response. We're on the same page - glad I'm not alone. "Happy" is a word that I don't use very often anymore. It's not appropriate in my world.

    Thank you, Rising. I appreciate that. I wish I could help you.

    I am believing more and more that they don't really leave us, and that they are still aware of us. I am doing Dr. Piero Parisetti's "Bases for a Rational Belief in Life After Life" (I wonder if they mean "basis?") webinar tomorrow AM.

    Unlike many people, I want companionship, but have zero desire for another romantic relationship. It might sound funny, but I don't want anything to get between me and her. She was, and is, everything.

    What I really wish (don't we all!) that there was a way to be sometimes hypnotized and put in another "zone" in which we could communicate with them almost as though we were with them. I think about that a lot!
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
    Rising likes this.
  9. Amore

    Amore Active Member

    I just read in the ITC section, someone said they had a real good talk with their deceased son. Maybe you (and also others here who long for contact with a loved one) should try that technique?
    Rising likes this.
  10. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    Thanks - I will look into that!
  11. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

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  12. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    I understand that this is a difficult time for you, but certainly you don't want someone you love to be miserably unhappy? He is now in a beautiful, earth-like place where the very air that he breathes is love, and he can be close to you whenever he likes so he doesn't miss you the way that you miss him: he can always be right there with you! As has been reported elsewhere, you and he even can be intimate again if you like, if he doesn't think it will upset you, and (especially) if you can lessen your grief enough so you will allow him back into your life. Grief is among the most low-vibration of emotions, so it can act as a barrier between us and those that we used to think were dead.

    He loves you. He can be right there with you, and perhaps he is there all the time! So he is happy. Please, dear, don't begrudge him that!
  13. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    You seem to be so engulfed in your grief that you aren't understanding what is being said here. I use to be the same way and still remain that way at times. But Roberta and other members are trying to help you. You may read things that you don't want to hear which is a normal human reaction. But just be greatful that others are at least trying to help you here. What a gift that people actually care.

    This forum may get frustrating at times, but there are other options if you need a break. Engage in other forums that can help you along with this one. Go to the bookstore and research. Attend free meetings in your town regarding depression. Meet someone half way somewhere.
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  14. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I made an edit by the way.. I can never seem to stop talking at times
  15. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    This is so beautiful, dear Unexpected - Thank you for sharing it!!
    Unexpected likes this.
  16. Unexpected

    Unexpected Guest

    Thank you. Hopefully it helps someone.
  17. Louise66

    Louise66 New Member

    Hello, dear friend Denverguy (and all others who have lost their partners)

    I don't think your lady enjoys not being with you. Here are my thoughts after reading this thread:

    I don't believe that my Ken (husband who died from cancer nearly seven months ago) will be able to be truly happy while I'm still suffering. That isn't a selfish observation - or I hope it isn't - just a knowledge of the incredible love we had, and I believe, still have. I don't think I could be truly happy watching my loved ones in pain. I don't sign on with the perspective that our loved ones in spirit are happy and our pain no longer matters to them (sounds almost sociopathic, which I know my husband was not). At the same time, I believe Ken understands that I can't help my pain, and that I'm doing my best to find ways to be okay. Grief may indeed be a very "low vibration," but great grief is born of great love, and no matter what our spiritual understanding is, we still need to deal with that very natural response to loss. I surely do believe that when I have healed to the extent my loss doesn't grill me every day, I'll be more open to appreciating that Ken is here with me, but there are no shortcuts. We cannot just switch our pain off, and repressing it would be potentially dangerous.

    One chief reason I have not killed myself in the wake of my husband dying, is that I know I'd feel tremendous regret for the pain and anguish my actions would cause. How could I look upon that pain and be happy, and still call myself decent?

    Early in my own process, I thought that to be happy would be disloyal to Ken. But I now understand that the purest loyalty to him is to release my grief as I find ways to do it, so that he can be truly happy too. While I resent platitudes like "He wouldn't want you to cry" (Newsflash - it's ME here dealing with this), there is a real kernel of truth there - when I stop crying so much, he'll be happier and that's what I want for him.

    Thankfully, I have a good grief counsellor who helped me thrash out an aim for my healing: "Louise who no longer has physical Ken, can learn to be okay in the world with spiritual Ken." In all honesty, it's still hard to feel motivated to be happy for myself, but when I frame it in terms of doing it for Ken, well, yeah, there's not much I wouldn't do for that man. :) I know he wants it to be for my sake too, but I'm just not quite there yet.

    So no (and this post could have been a lot shorter if I'd said just the following), I certainly don't believe our loved ones are having a grand time whooping it up in spirit and not caring how we feel. I think they are concerned for us, every day. At the same time, I hope Ken never denies himself something beautiful in spirit because I am grieving here, in the same way as I'm attempting not to deny myself something I might enjoy, because he passed. I hope he has access to loving guides who can assure him that I've got this; I will be alright eventually.

    Peace xo

    PS. Denverguy, I'm glad you're enjoying your talks with this friend. But there are no "shoulds" i.e. "You should be happy." Wherever you are at is very okay.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2017
  18. Nirvana

    Nirvana Active Member

    Just need to save this excerpt somewhere: Our daughter had a son the following year and when he was 4 years old he was playing in our pool when he turned to myself and my wife and asked us did we know what happened when you die. we answered you went to heaven or something like that. he became annoyed and said he could remember being an old man and closing his eyes and when he opened them he was in another place. he said it was like your birthday everyday but no presents and all your friends are there. he also said that he chose to be with his Mum & Dad and that as he got older he would meet all his friends again around the world because they would be getting born now. A moment later he had forgotten everything he said and now at 14 he won't believe he said it.

    From http://www.adcrf.org/derek_s's_adc.htm
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  19. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Dear Louise, lovely post - thank you for sharing your thoughts! For you, and for everyone who is grieving, I feel the need to say that the transition home that we call death is an arrival at a place so different, and with a lifestyle so different, in a body so different, that I think it really is hard for us to comprehend it. Were our loved ones simply going to Italy, then the playing field would be more level; but in fact they know much more than we do and have a perspective so astoundingly different from ours that we really can't assume much of anything about how they are now thinking and feeling.

    Based on a half-century of reading communications from people that we used to think were dead, here is what I have come to understand is true:

    1) They do still love us! And they remain in essence the same people that they were. They look forward happily to having us join them, and they are planning all sorts of things for us to do together once we get there.

    2) They have easy access to vastly expanded minds, and they can easily lower their vibrations to be with us any time that they like so they don't miss us the way that we miss them. In fact, there is now a technology there - something like a flat-screen TV - that will let them watch us going about our lives even without lowering their spiritual vibrations! This is very recent, and it boggles me, but I have seen it reported often enough - including by my own mother - that I am confident that it is true. They even gather for viewing parties. It's as if now earth-life is just a gigantic love-based reality show for them, and you and I are the unwitting actors!

    3) So this illusory separation by what seems to be death that feels so tragic to us - and the raw grief we feel when someone we love very much seems to die - simply does not exist for them. They have nothing to grieve at all! They know that it was all just a bad day at school, and they understand that their deaths were part of how we ourselves planned to go about learning during these precious opportunities on earth, so they seem to treat our grief-travails more as loving parents treat their children who are struggling to learn calculus. They're sorry it's so hard for us, but after all it is only school and not real life and we need to learn and in the end we will realize that all of it was good for us.

    4) There is so much to do there, and it's nothing but fun! We imagine they must be bored, sitting up there on clouds with little wings on their shoulders, swinging their feet, but instead they are deep in a school's-out release of pent-up energies, doing and exploring and partying and having a ball. Imagine your own most perfect possible life in a young and healthy body, with infinite absolutely free things to do and no need to pause to eat or sleep!

    5) It does seem to be the case, however, that when someone they feel closely tied to by love has trouble processing the grief of their transition and becomes stuck in it, that will hold them back. Apparently what holds them is not just wanting to make us feel better, but rather it's an actual force that keeps them from fully completing their transition and beginning their post-death fun. I'm not sure how they feel about this because I'm not aware of communications where they talk about it frankly, but I imagine that they are patient about it. I only know that I would never want to be the cause of that kind of restriction on someone that I love, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to hold a loved one back either! Personally - and I know that our dear Bluebird and others will be annoyed with me for saying this - I have come to consider it to be a duty based in love for each of us to learn as much as we can and use knowledge to help to free ourselves from the worst of our grief so we can give those that we love the gift of freedom to enjoy their first period of post-death fun.
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  20. milahanna

    milahanna Member

    Kids have the wildest imaginations. Mine came up with crazy stories of who they were too. Just because it's possible doesn't make it more likely to be true.

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