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The process of grief feels like a contradiction

Discussion in 'General Afterlife Discussions' started by peanutbritt, Sep 23, 2017.

  1. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    Hi all,

    I lost the love of my life, Albert, 11 weeks ago. (This is not the first time for me, I lost my husband in the exact same way 9 years ago in a motorcycle accident. But this time is different for me because I was so much more deeply in love with Albert, I was just capable of a deeper love and connection after a lot of work on myself.)

    I posted in another thread here about his initial communication and then my disappointment that there was nothing after the first week and how now there seems to be some signs again:
    Signs and Messages from the other side

    But this post is about how I cannot seem to reconcile the grief process, especially letting go of him and what we had, with after life communications and relationships.

    I am having a really hard time letting go of his possessions, his family, his apartment, of HIM and the fact he isn't here. My psyche is still looking for him. If he is still here, but just around the corner, then why do I need to "let go" and create a whole new life with no expectations of ever seeing or hearing from him again? This is what the therapists and grief groups tell you to do.

    I feel like if I hang on to hope that I will be able to communicate with him, that I am actually just staying stuck in the denial stage of grief and that maybe I need to let go of that hope too? But then do I stop talking to him?

    How are we supposed to "let go" and "believe" at the same time? I see these two things as contradictory.
  2. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    I am really sorry to see what you're going through. There are no words. There is NOTHING like this. Nothing that I can say will help. No one else knows exactly how you feel, but I think we have a good idea. I understand what you mean about his possessions.

    You don't need to do anything except for what is right for you. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, shouldn't feel, or how to handle this hell. "Letting go" is fine for some people, but it's certainly not for everyone. It's been 15 months and I have zero intention of letting go.

    There are no 5 stages of grief.

    It's just my opinion, but I don't know how grief counselors can help. The only thing that can help is having the person back. Or...

    I am a hard core skeptic. I would have laughed at any afterlife talk a year and a half ago. But I was introduced to Dr. Piero Parisett's "Love Knows No Death" course. (It $10 on the Forever Family Foundation's website). It REALLY helped, and introduced me to the fact that it might not, in fact, be the end. The premise is that they love us as before, they know what we're going through, and that we will be together again.

    Here is the introduction. Please send me a message if you have any questions.

    I might also suggest that you search YouTube for some of the Swedenborg videos about this subject. I think they can help.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
    enby, Widdershins3 and peanutbritt like this.
  3. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    You don't need to "let go", and in my opinion you shouldn't. Over time you may find that you are able to and want to live in a way that is somewhat less focused on him, or you may not -- neither way is wrong, you just need to do whichever is best for you. Grief has as many different manifestations as there are people in the world who have lost a loved one. But even if you do at some point find that you want to and are able to proceed with your life in some way, that's not the same thing as "letting go" of your Albert. You can continue to live your life and still try to communicate with him -- there's no reason to let go of hope.
    enby, Widdershins3 and peanutbritt like this.
  4. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    I hope you can accept my being direct with you.... You're not supposed to let someone go - you can do whatever feels right for you BUT others have found something different worked for them in very similar situations. So might you in time and there is absolutely no single period of time that applies to everyone. As for "believing", mac doesn't do belief. Either I follow/understand or I park the notion until I do understand. Mac doen't do belief and neither should you, I suggest. But you may have to work for yourself to reach that position.

    You and thousands of others similarly. That's grieving and grieving hurts us all.

    He's not "just around the corner". They are unhelpful words when you don't understand what's meant by them. But I'm going to be brutal now. I won't bull-shit you. You my not get to hear from him again in this world and I think it's cruel and it's wrong if anyone suggests you definitely will. But you might. Some folk do. I do think therapy and help groups can work for some people but not all. Only you can decide if they're right for you after you've tried them.

    Don't let go of the hope but please try not to let it dominate your every waking moment because that would mean you actually are stuck in denial. You will need others to help you achieve it and perhaps by being here you've begun the process.

    no! absolutely not! If it helps YOU then do it but not if it doesn't. I say that to anyone who tells me the same as you. And if it helps, and/or if you feel more comfortable doing it, talk to him 'in your mind'. Your thoughts will be picked up in just the same way.
    Widdershins3 likes this.
  5. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    Thank you DenverGuy, I just downloaded the workbook and started it, and have found many Swedenborg videos that I will be watching.
    DenverGuy likes this.
  6. John biscuits

    John biscuits New Member

    Grief stinks, I know. I lost my mother to cancer this past April. It felt like a knife plunged into my heart, when she died.

    The only thing keeping me sane, is knowing, I too will expire. It can't happen soon enough!
    peanutbritt likes this.
  7. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    For me too. I am counting the days and weeks since Albert's death. Today marked the beginning of week 12. Every day is one day closer to him. I know this is know way to live but I feel dead myself and this is the only thing allowing me to put one foot in front of the other.

    I was on an airplane a couple of weeks ago and there was massive turbulence. The kind that had people clutching their arm rests and gasping in fear. I sat through the whole thing with a huge smile on my face, hoping the plane would crash. I pictured it, and imagined who would be waiting for all of us. It comforted me. I am only 46 but so ready I am.
  8. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    I understand that, peanut. My life now is just a matter of waiting to die.
  9. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    Peanutbritt, I sincerely hope that it gives you a little hope and light. Please let me know wither way. I really like Swedenborg, also. Very comforting.
    peanutbritt likes this.
  10. Zac

    Zac Member

    I'm not sure how healthy it is to think this, but I feel the same way at times. And I'm also only 46 (47 in december). It's not that I'm suicidal, but the thought of dying doesn't bother me or cause any fear. It would more be a feeling of "free at last". I do prefer not to suffer horribly beforehand though. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to maintain a relationship or interacting with someone on the other side.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2017
    peanutbritt likes this.
  11. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    It's certainly not unhealthy not to be bothered by a fear of dying BUT if that situation had been brought on by clinical depression then perhaps there would be a good reason to seek help to deal with it?

    I'm simply a layperson but I do wonder what's happening in these situations. This is a general observation and not directed at any particular person.
  12. Zac

    Zac Member

    It wouldn't hurt to visit a psychiatrist, but I also don't see much benefit in my situation. They can't change my circumstances and I prefer not to take anti-depressants (or any med every day if avoidable). I take a sleeping pill (triazolam) when I can't sleep, but that's pretty rare (maybe once every couple months on average). I also take some supplements (chamomile, passion flower, magnesium glycinate, and fish oil) and will take an anti-anxiety med like xanax once in a while.

    A major part of my problems arise from living with my elderly mother who moved in with me after my dad passed almost 3 years ago. She has always had weird habits such as insisting on washing clothing/dishes by hand, stumbling around at night in the dark, refusing to visit a dentist, and so forth, but the situation took a turn for the worse a few months ago after she was hospitalized twice in a week for a urinary tract infection. They had her on the IV antibiotic rocephin and she insisted on leaving the hospital after only a couple nights as soon as she was feeling better. But, she had a relapse a couple days later so she had to go back for 4 more days, this time by ambulance. Since then, she has had worsening cognitive problems for which her doctors have no effective treatment beyond anti-anxiety pills.
  13. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    Urinary tract infections can actually cause or worsen cognitive problems in the elderly -- I recommend bringing that up with the hospital, or even better with a doctor who specializes in elder care.

    It does sound as though your mother was having some cognitive/behavioral issues which predate the UTIs, but I'd say the first step is getting the UTI under control, then addressing her underlying mental health issues.

    I hope this helps.
  14. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    I'm uncomfortable engaging about such personal issues and forum pages are not, in my view, the place to do it anyway. It seems clear, though, that there's a lot of stressful issues in your life and I think most of us would find it depressing to be in such a situation, even if that's not clinical depression. The grief of bereavement alone is enough to deal with and every other stress exacerbates the emotions involved.

    It might be a situation where grief counselling could help but finding it in the UK - with its paid-for but vastly overstretched healthcare sytem - can be challenging. In the USA, where everything has to be paid for privately unless you're old enough to get Medicare, or have a high-quality ACA package, I don't know how you'd go about finding such help.

    Information about that - similar to what we once had on the Home page for suicide-risk - might benefit members needing help.
  15. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    I can only share what I did and still do...........
    Irene was and still is here so there was no sense of "loss' nor a need to "let her go". I gave away most of her stuff to family and goodwill but am still in our apartment. I am slowly moving on and into another life but not completely without Irene. She will always be with me even if I become attached to another woman. The love we had will never die or stop but will take a back seat to whatever love comes up next. I'm 80 now so there may not be much time for another love or relationship but Irene is OK with that.

    Right after Irene crossed over, I had many communications with her through Mediums and visits from Irene so we have never stopped talking or connecting. She is here less and less but not completely gone. This might be denial but her presence is an absolute fact so it's not a problem for me or us. I continue to "talk with" Irene as though she is right here but it does not interfere with ordinary life.

    For me, it's about believing that we will be together again some day or some where and also letting go in the sense that my earthly life is going on WITHOUT her. I am currently involved with a new loved one which I believe was arranged by Irene herself. There is no jealousy or anger in the afterlife (heaven) so Irene is very happy for me and my new beloved over in this plane.
  16. Maria

    Maria Member

    I lost my partner last January, and like others here, I am experiencing intense grief and just want to be with Peter. You are very fortunate to have been blessed with visits from your wife Irene, and I would be grateful if you could elaborate on this. Were these apparitions of Irene, and how long did your conversations last? I would give the whole world to have communications like this with Peter, and can only hope that if some spirits like Irene are allowed to visit those left behind, then maybe it is possible for others to do the same.
  17. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Maria, you should try Dr. R. Craig Hogan's facilitated afterlife communications - go to afterlifestudies.org (I think). It takes some work to learn the techniques, but some have had wonderful success with them!
    Unexpected likes this.
  18. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Dear Marcia: I live in the Los Angeles area and visited several mediums near me and at the Psychic Eye book store. My most direct contacts with Irene were in many dreams shortly after she went to Heaven and the Medium contacts were somewhat indirect but she was always there/here. The "conversations" at Psychic Eye were about 30 minutes but the very first Medium meeting near my apt lasted about an hour. As far as I know, those in Heaven or the afterlife can come to us at any time and in many different forms but we are not able to detect or notice them due to our fears, insecurities or lack of belief so we do not pick up on the messages, signals and actual presence of those who are now in Heaven or Spirit. Irene's visits to me are not and were not "apparitions" but her actual, although non-physical, self/presence. She has come here in several forms including butterflies, birds, other people and much more. I always know it's her even tho I am not as gifted as she was/is. Aside from visiting a Medium, I'd recommend reading some books by James Van Praagh to understand the psychic realm and Heaven or the afterlife. I do not have many visits from Irene these days and believe she is off and living a completely different and very busy life now in Heaven - although her Spiritual life includes working with many of us here in the physical realms. There are many ways to learn the psychic arts for yourself, so good luck. I believe Peter is eager to reconnect with you...........Good psychics can be found at Spiritualist Churches in your area (google it) .

    This thread might give you an insight into what goes on over in Heaven...............http://afterlifeforums.com/threads/writing-to-children-in-heaven-afterlife.2281/#post-44901
  19. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    Roberta has suggested something you could try for yourself but in the meantime a visit to a reputable spiritual medium - not a psychic - might provide you with some of the evidence you're seeking. Some of our members have had good results and will be able to point you in their direction.

    It should be remembered, though, that nobody can guarantee to link with a specific individual. Mediumship is always an experiment in communication.
  20. Bill Z

    Bill Z Active Member

    Thank you for these touching and beautiful comments and I wish the best for others grieving here.
    The love of my life died 13 weeks ago and I have been in communication with Her. Through a very reputable medium I have heard from Her. The medium said things that only little Susie and I knew so I trust her. In addition the usual electrical things: lights flickering, radio turning on, clocks changing have been happening. But mostly it's been white feathers. Whenever in despair I cry out to Susie a white feather will soon appear either in my path or drifting out of the sky.
    I know She is in a safe and better place but I still grieve the loss of Her physicality.
    Thank you again.

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