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The process of grief feels like a contradiction

Discussion in 'General Afterlife Discussions' started by peanutbritt, Sep 23, 2017.

  1. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    Hi all,

    I lost the love of my life, Albert, 11 weeks ago. (This is not the first time for me, I lost my husband in the exact same way 9 years ago in a motorcycle accident. But this time is different for me because I was so much more deeply in love with Albert, I was just capable of a deeper love and connection after a lot of work on myself.)

    I posted in another thread here about his initial communication and then my disappointment that there was nothing after the first week and how now there seems to be some signs again:
    Signs and Messages from the other side

    But this post is about how I cannot seem to reconcile the grief process, especially letting go of him and what we had, with after life communications and relationships.

    I am having a really hard time letting go of his possessions, his family, his apartment, of HIM and the fact he isn't here. My psyche is still looking for him. If he is still here, but just around the corner, then why do I need to "let go" and create a whole new life with no expectations of ever seeing or hearing from him again? This is what the therapists and grief groups tell you to do.

    I feel like if I hang on to hope that I will be able to communicate with him, that I am actually just staying stuck in the denial stage of grief and that maybe I need to let go of that hope too? But then do I stop talking to him?

    How are we supposed to "let go" and "believe" at the same time? I see these two things as contradictory.
  2. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    I am really sorry to see what you're going through. There are no words. There is NOTHING like this. Nothing that I can say will help. No one else knows exactly how you feel, but I think we have a good idea. I understand what you mean about his possessions.

    You don't need to do anything except for what is right for you. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, shouldn't feel, or how to handle this hell. "Letting go" is fine for some people, but it's certainly not for everyone. It's been 15 months and I have zero intention of letting go.

    There are no 5 stages of grief.

    It's just my opinion, but I don't know how grief counselors can help. The only thing that can help is having the person back. Or...

    I am a hard core skeptic. I would have laughed at any afterlife talk a year and a half ago. But I was introduced to Dr. Piero Parisett's "Love Knows No Death" course. (It $10 on the Forever Family Foundation's website). It REALLY helped, and introduced me to the fact that it might not, in fact, be the end. The premise is that they love us as before, they know what we're going through, and that we will be together again.

    Here is the introduction. Please send me a message if you have any questions.

    I might also suggest that you search YouTube for some of the Swedenborg videos about this subject. I think they can help.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
    enby, Widdershins3 and peanutbritt like this.
  3. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    You don't need to "let go", and in my opinion you shouldn't. Over time you may find that you are able to and want to live in a way that is somewhat less focused on him, or you may not -- neither way is wrong, you just need to do whichever is best for you. Grief has as many different manifestations as there are people in the world who have lost a loved one. But even if you do at some point find that you want to and are able to proceed with your life in some way, that's not the same thing as "letting go" of your Albert. You can continue to live your life and still try to communicate with him -- there's no reason to let go of hope.
    enby, Widdershins3 and peanutbritt like this.
  4. mac

    mac Staff Member

    I hope you can accept my being direct with you.... You're not supposed to let someone go - you can do whatever feels right for you BUT others have found something different worked for them in very similar situations. So might you in time and there is absolutely no single period of time that applies to everyone. As for "believing", mac doesn't do belief. Either I follow/understand or I park the notion until I do understand. Mac doen't do belief and neither should you, I suggest. But you may have to work for yourself to reach that position.

    You and thousands of others similarly. That's grieving and grieving hurts us all.

    He's not "just around the corner". They are unhelpful words when you don't understand what's meant by them. But I'm going to be brutal now. I won't bull-shit you. You my not get to hear from him again in this world and I think it's cruel and it's wrong if anyone suggests you definitely will. But you might. Some folk do. I do think therapy and help groups can work for some people but not all. Only you can decide if they're right for you after you've tried them.

    Don't let go of the hope but please try not to let it dominate your every waking moment because that would mean you actually are stuck in denial. You will need others to help you achieve it and perhaps by being here you've begun the process.

    no! absolutely not! If it helps YOU then do it but not if it doesn't. I say that to anyone who tells me the same as you. And if it helps, and/or if you feel more comfortable doing it, talk to him 'in your mind'. Your thoughts will be picked up in just the same way.
    Widdershins3 likes this.
  5. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    Thank you DenverGuy, I just downloaded the workbook and started it, and have found many Swedenborg videos that I will be watching.
    DenverGuy likes this.
  6. John biscuits

    John biscuits New Member

    Grief stinks, I know. I lost my mother to cancer this past April. It felt like a knife plunged into my heart, when she died.

    The only thing keeping me sane, is knowing, I too will expire. It can't happen soon enough!
    peanutbritt likes this.
  7. peanutbritt

    peanutbritt New Member

    For me too. I am counting the days and weeks since Albert's death. Today marked the beginning of week 12. Every day is one day closer to him. I know this is know way to live but I feel dead myself and this is the only thing allowing me to put one foot in front of the other.

    I was on an airplane a couple of weeks ago and there was massive turbulence. The kind that had people clutching their arm rests and gasping in fear. I sat through the whole thing with a huge smile on my face, hoping the plane would crash. I pictured it, and imagined who would be waiting for all of us. It comforted me. I am only 46 but so ready I am.
  8. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor

    I understand that, peanut. My life now is just a matter of waiting to die.
  9. DenverGuy

    DenverGuy Active Member

    Peanutbritt, I sincerely hope that it gives you a little hope and light. Please let me know wither way. I really like Swedenborg, also. Very comforting.
    peanutbritt likes this.
  10. Zac

    Zac Active Member

    I'm not sure how healthy it is to think this, but I feel the same way at times. And I'm also only 46 (47 in december). It's not that I'm suicidal, but the thought of dying doesn't bother me or cause any fear. It would more be a feeling of "free at last". I do prefer not to suffer horribly beforehand though. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to maintain a relationship or interacting with someone on the other side.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2017
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