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The “moving on” syndrome again.

Discussion in 'Afterlife Evidence' started by Maria, Jun 9, 2018.

  1. Maria

    Maria Member

    Over the past few days I received telephone readings from two spiritualist/evidential) mediums. One told me that a “paternal relative” (who I could not identify with), conveyed a message that I am “going around in circles” and must “move on” with my life” as my loved one has gone, and I cannot recapture my old life. According to the second medium, her guide advised moving forward and being “positive” about what I have in my life. Both failed to link with Peter, and I am uncertain if this was because of their inability to make a connection, or spirit unwilling to manifest. The readings left me feeling very disappointed, and I wonder if it might be better for a medium to pretend connecting with a loved one rather than blunt honesty as it is very hurtful. I might expect a bereavement counsellor to suggest ways of progressing through life without a partner, but surely mediums should be aware of the eager yearnings of the bereaved to attain messages from the deceased. Other members of ALF have also expressed being distressed by being told to “move on”, and I would like to have your comments.
     
  2. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Just my opinion, of course, but I do think you'd be served better by a professional counselor. From what little I have read in your post, I strongly suspect no connection was made by the "mediums" you consulted. Did either one of them say a connection with Peter was established? Sounds that what they told you was what "well-meaning" folks would tell you, that it is "time to move on", that you have spent too much time "grieving", way past what is "normal". And this irks me to no end!

    Who
    wrote the book on the optimal time for grieving? Well, we did, the "experts"! We just go by the averages of the people we see, but people are individuals and each deals with grief in his/her own way. There is no time limit! Saying you should be moving on is insensitive and not helpful at all. True, going by "averages", you and others you may know "should" have started on your way to recovery (but does one ever fully recover from the loss of a beloved mate?), but let's say you have not. This is what is called "complicated grief" (in contrast to "simple grief"), and it can be considered a form of chronic mourning.

    Complicated grief too is very individual, so what may apply to one person does not necessarily apply to others. Research suggests that certain people who cannot get past their profound grief may also suffer from a history of dependent personality, depression, anxiety. Research also suggests that there may be a "pleasure principle" involved, where one derives a certain satisfaction going over the activities, the physical places, the music, etc. that was shared with the deceased (MRI studies actually show this increased activity in the nucleus accumbens of the brain). So I believe - and I could be mistaken, of course - that if one really wants to address his/her grief, the best bet would be to see a professional counselor who specializes in grief, trauma and crisis. However, and you may not like to read this, (but I do not sugar-coat much) there is a relatively small percentage of individuals who do not wish to "get over it", either consciously or not. An experienced, well-qualified practitioner would be able to recognize this unwillingness to "move on". This is a rather "deep subject" and I don't believe it is appropriate material for ALF.
    I am sorry you had a disappointing experience, Maria.
     
    pandora97, GoldDustWoman622 and mac like this.
  3. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    Mediums come in all levels of ability. Without evidence of a connected loved-one that you find satisfactory, however, you are right to feel you did not experience evidential mediumship.

    Even if discarnate individuals had been communicating via mediumship it doesn't mean you have to listen to what they had to say - it might have absolutely no relevance for you. BUT no practitioner should ever pretend to be connecting with a spirit communicator or pretend a genuine spirit contact had relevance for you. The honest response would be to tell you she/he had made no meaningful connection that appeared personal to you if that's what happened. Any information coming from any other communicator should be evaluated as critically as you wish but also you may have experienced nothing more than a psychic reading / counselling session.

    I think Ravensgate has dealt very well with the grief / bereavement counselling situation.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
  4. Maria

    Maria Member

    Ten out of ten for your brilliant observation, ravensgate. Shortly after Peter’s death, a doctor’s opinion was that I may be suffering from complicated grief. Peter and I depended on each other in different ways, but I think that if I had passed first, he would be able to cope better. He was my soulmate, and my evergreen true friend. I therefore miss him every second of the day, and feel so vulnerable and afraid without him to the extent of experiencing panic attacks, because he is no longer there. It is rather embarrassing to reveal this, but when Peter was in the chapel of rest I went in there alone, and impulsively took some photos of in him in his coffin with my mobile phone. Ever since them, I seem to be drawn back in to looking at the photos which makes me even more depressed and tearful. I would not agree however, that I do not want to “get over” Peter’s death as it is more a case that I never will, as part of me died with him. I therefore feel a shadow of my former self and just yearn to be with him. With my luck however, I fear that I will be forced to endure this hellish nightmare by surviving for more years than I want. Thank you so much for your gentle empathy ravensgate, and I think you would make a gifted bereavement counsellor.
     
  5. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Maria, you did/do not strike me as the person who does not want to "get over" her grief, but I mentioned it because there are some individuals who do not want to get "over it", and for such people the "problem" and treatment is quite involved - which is why I mentioned it would not be appropriate material to discuss on the ALF.
    I thank you for the compliment, Maria. My specialty was not counseling, though I eventually fell into it, close to my retirement, lol. Prior to that, I was in the field of neuropsychiatry (which, over the years, split into the distinct specialties of psychiatry and neurology), but as the old fart that I am, I continue to call it "neuropsychiatry". To this day I consider the workings of the human mind the most exciting medical specialty; I suppose you could say that I love to discover what makes each one of us tick at different speeds! :D:D
    Out of curiosity, Maria, what draws you to look at Peter's photos? What are your thoughts as you look at them?
    Finally, believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one who ever took pictures of a loved one in his/her coffin; nothing to blush about, Maria, it's more common than one might think. :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2018
  6. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    I realise it's not an equivalent situation but the only photos we have of our baby son are those I took of him in his coffin, at our home on the day of his burial. It's the only time he was with us - briefly. How different our lives would have been had he lived.

    The common lines at the time were: "You'll be able to have another." and "He wasn't meant to be." as if either made up for our loss.
     
  7. Maria

    Maria Member

     
  8. Maria

    Maria Member

    Mac, it was so sad reading about your baby, and I will never stop being amazed by the insensitivity of some people. Even if a pet cat or dog dies, you don’t tell the grieving owner “the best thing to do is get another one”. As regards the photographs of the dead, perhaps it is more common than I realised. I was surprised when a neighbour showed me a photo of her father in his coffin. Long before Peter’s death, I had read about the Victorian practice of “post mortem photographs”. There are many available on the internet, and I always found it particularly sad seeing little dead children surrounded by their dolls and teddy bears. It was also quite common then to have keepsakes of your loved ones hair contained in a locket etc. I think we will always be traumatised by the subject of death as it is such a mystery. Subsequently its horror causes the bereaved to react in so many different ways.
     
  9. Monika

    Monika Active Member

    Maria, i am so sad to hear what you had to listen mediums speaking :( I dont know about mediums much or how they work. From my own experience i can share that if words said by someone who claim to contact with my love made me at least a little sad or uncomfortable, then i know that they did not contact with my Michel. I know that he does not go into contact just because some stranger is asking him and he see me there. Meanwhile he choose people and then they contact me. It was just a few people but they managed to give message as so as it was i trully believe. It is intresting that both of those people could barely speak english but the messages were most exact for me. And most incredible message from Michel i got was from 3 years old boy who do not speak english at all :)
    This showed for me one more time that i dont need to be medium to be able to contact and comunicate with my love by myself. I just need to be open enough. Like 3 years old child. And not question.
    I dont know if what i wrote helps for you Maria, but i hope at least a little.
    Soulmates never leave. He is beside you. Just listen♡♡♡♡
     
    GoldDustWoman622, SashaS and Bill Z like this.
  10. Monika

    Monika Active Member

    Oh and about picture you took of your love in coffin...in the country where i am from it is completely normal. There we often even have photographs to make pictures of all the process. Everyone has pictures of relatives and friends whoever have passed away. Those pictures you can often see nicely put in family albums. It is part of life.
    By myself i do not have picture of Michel. It stays in my head as sharp as at the moment. But i try not to remember it as i prefer to remember him as strong and healthy 29 years old man :) ♡♡
     
    Bill Z likes this.
  11. Maria

    Maria Member

    Monika, thank you for your beautiful and kind sentiments. Perhaps spirit resonates better with some mediums more than others it is all just such an enigma. From reading your posts I have often thought that you are very psychic. I have also considered using your method of communicating with Michael through a pendulum and letters, but I am worried that it might open a portal to some dark entity and I do not know how to apply protection beforehand or “close it” afterwards. Your analogy to childhood innocence and wonder reminded me of this quotation by the painter Picasso “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child”. Children are also very close to spirit which is why they frequently see things that adults cannot. I hope that someday maybe Peter will speak though another, and convey a spontaneous message like your experience, (fingers crossed), he might even do it through you. I will take your advice in adopting a childlike openness. I think that due to the pain of my present grief there may be a sort of cloudy aura around me that is preventing any chance of being perceptive to spirit communication. I do send loving thoughts every day to Peter, and this includes through prayer, and when I next feel extreme sadness again, I will remember your affirmation that soulmates never leave. Thank you again Monika!
     
  12. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Mac, every post where you mention your son's death affects me in a way others' (meaning posts from other members) do not. I sense it affected you greatly and, in a way, continues to reverberate to this day. For some unknown reason, when I read about your loss, I feel sad, yet I know next to nothing about his death, next to nothing about you, so I really cannot explain why it moves me so, but it certainly does. There is a sadness in the words you type and that I read... it really is quite odd why it hits me that way :confused:
    I hope he will be there to greet you, show you the "ropes" of what it's like adapting to the afterlife when your time on this planet comes to an end. My apologies if I crossed any line, mac.
     
  13. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member


    Maria, I'm sure you know I cannot be your therapist, but feel free to contact me via pm. Sometimes, talking with perfect strangers can help! :)
     
  14. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    You have absolutely not crossed any line, raven, but thanks for thinking about me.

    When I tell my story - something I do only when there's a context for it - I, too, feel sad. BUT that sadness is in a compartment of my life and all around it my life goes on and is full and enjoyable - and I'm thankful it is. I won't try to make things fit in respect of matters spiritual but even I can sense there may have been a reason for his death other than mischance. I'll get to find out after I kick off my clogs for the last time although unconsciously I may already know! ;)

    Our son's unexpected death greatly impacted the both of us. Thirty odd years on and I'm doing this stuff whereas my wife is less sure about the situation - even though she is the one who had had more direct evidence of his continued survival. It's odd how things can turn out so very differently but we're different individuals. And I'm his father and his mother feels things differently - so perhaps it's not odd at all. We both have a sense of his loss but I'm certain he's not lost forever 'though my wife is less sure.

    I confidently expect him to be around at my passing and at my wife's but my feeling is that I'll not need to be shown the ropes because that transition already feels familiar deep inside. Thank you again for thinking of me and about me. :)
     
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  15. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    Thank you for your thoughts, Maria.

    It's right that some people are insensitive, some uncaring, but others say what they genuinely hope/expect may help. Of course it may not come over that way at the time. What happened for me has resulted in my not being in any of those categories or at least I hope that's the case. What I am certain about is that my way is not the only way and that my way may not be right for the majority. I wouldn't try to persuade anyone and I consider that each of us needs to look for a way that's 'right' for us individually.

    Others' experiences and approaches may help an individual find her/his own best way. It's a blessing when one of them does help but it's far from certain any of them will.
     
  16. Maria

    Maria Member

    Thank you so much ravensgate, I would love to keep in touch. Can you explain how to pm you. Also, my email address is

    Email address removed from public view - better to use this website's private mailing system - mac, helper.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2018
  17. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Maria, if you click on my forum name (ravensgate) it should give you the option of starting a conversation with me. Click on "Start conversation" and that's it. Perhaps I'd better send you a pm first; it might make it easier, so you will just need to click "Reply" :)




    * edited to remove Maria's email address - mac
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2018
  18. Maria

    Maria Member

    Mac, thank you for sharing your sad story. Just always remember that your baby selected you and your wife to be his parents, but he was called back for some unknown reason. You both would have made wonderful parents who will love him forever, and he is aware of this. I often think how unjust life is, when I look at childless couples who yearned to be parents but were unable to, and all those parents who have lost their children either through natural causes, suicide, or murder. Then you hear about those evil parents who were blessed with children, but cruelly abuse them He definitely will be waiting eagerly to greet you both when you transition, and you will probably now all grown up in the spirit world. You will have so much catching up to do and all of eternity to spend together. This will compensate for the temporary separation from the baby you both loved.
     
    pandora97 likes this.
  19. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    Maria, I would caution you to remove your e-mail from this public forum, as anyone could see it and contact you. Better to send it to ravensgate in a private message, if you want her to have it.






    Maria's email address removed from view - mac
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2018
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  20. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    Thanks to bluebird and ravensgate for raising the issue about not posting one's personal email address on forum pages. :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2018
  21. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Maria, I can only share with you what happened and what I did after my late wife transitioned. She was a very gifted psychic/medium but was not connecting with me from the other side as I expected or hoped so I went to a Reader near my apartment. My late wife, Irene, came through right away and also told me to "move on" or continue on with my life adventure any way I could (and several other similar suggestions). It was both pleasant and inspiring but I soon realized that I had fallen into a very intense Codependent pattern with her so living by my self and on my own was pretty hard at first. Thanks to a lot of therapeutic work on self respect, self esteem and confidence, I began moving out of loneliness, depression, fear and DEPENDENCY and back into courageous independence. This all worked well because my late wife is almost always right here with me so I never felt the "loss" of her and have never thought of her as "dead". So for me, "moving on" was and still is about living the best life I can RIGHT NOW and there are days when it's simple and easy and days when I don't know what to do next or even why - other than to stay strong, self reliant and self respecting, as life unfolds here.
    IMO, the loss of a loved one or beloved thing has to be met with high and healthy self worth or self respect so that the "loss" does not kill or damage us too much and leave us helpless and crippled from then on. Moving on is about going forward with courage, dignity and PRIDE as a useful and significant part of this life. I am moving on through love, hope, self worth and courage which all came from work in psychotherapy more than any other action.
    I have had many psychic readings with Irene and a lot of intense dream visits from her BUT my life is unfolding in this plane and I need to happily enjoy and live it for what little time I have left here (I'm 80). The single most important and useful thing I've ever done was to find and cultivate healthy self worth and self love and it just keeps getting better and better as I "MOVE ON" day to day and step by step. I could and would credit God for my feelings of self worth but it seems to come from my own mind/heart and a personal desire to feel better about myself and my life while moving forward one inch at a time.
    So this is how it has and is working for me after losing my beloved Irene about 2 years ago. I still have moments of painful, tearful grief and sorrow but knowing that she is always still right here reduces the pain and I am soon back to love, hope and happiness as I continue to MOVE ON.
     
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