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The “moving on” syndrome again.

Discussion in 'Afterlife Evidence' started by Maria, Jun 9, 2018.

  1. Maria

    Maria Member

    Over the past few days I received telephone readings from two spiritualist/evidential) mediums. One told me that a “paternal relative” (who I could not identify with), conveyed a message that I am “going around in circles” and must “move on” with my life” as my loved one has gone, and I cannot recapture my old life. According to the second medium, her guide advised moving forward and being “positive” about what I have in my life. Both failed to link with Peter, and I am uncertain if this was because of their inability to make a connection, or spirit unwilling to manifest. The readings left me feeling very disappointed, and I wonder if it might be better for a medium to pretend connecting with a loved one rather than blunt honesty as it is very hurtful. I might expect a bereavement counsellor to suggest ways of progressing through life without a partner, but surely mediums should be aware of the eager yearnings of the bereaved to attain messages from the deceased. Other members of ALF have also expressed being distressed by being told to “move on”, and I would like to have your comments.
     
  2. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Just my opinion, of course, but I do think you'd be served better by a professional counselor. From what little I have read in your post, I strongly suspect no connection was made by the "mediums" you consulted. Did either one of them say a connection with Peter was established? Sounds that what they told you was what "well-meaning" folks would tell you, that it is "time to move on", that you have spent too much time "grieving", way past what is "normal". And this irks me to no end!

    Who
    wrote the book on the optimal time for grieving? Well, we did, the "experts"! We just go by the averages of the people we see, but people are individuals and each deals with grief in his/her own way. There is no time limit! Saying you should be moving on is insensitive and not helpful at all. True, going by "averages", you and others you may know "should" have started on your way to recovery (but does one ever fully recover from the loss of a beloved mate?), but let's say you have not. This is what is called "complicated grief" (in contrast to "simple grief"), and it can be considered a form of chronic mourning.

    Complicated grief too is very individual, so what may apply to one person does not necessarily apply to others. Research suggests that certain people who cannot get past their profound grief may also suffer from a history of dependent personality, depression, anxiety. Research also suggests that there may be a "pleasure principle" involved, where one derives a certain satisfaction going over the activities, the physical places, the music, etc. that was shared with the deceased (MRI studies actually show this increased activity in the nucleus accumbens of the brain). So I believe - and I could be mistaken, of course - that if one really wants to address his/her grief, the best bet would be to see a professional counselor who specializes in grief, trauma and crisis. However, and you may not like to read this, (but I do not sugar-coat much) there is a relatively small percentage of individuals who do not wish to "get over it", either consciously or not. An experienced, well-qualified practitioner would be able to recognize this unwillingness to "move on". This is a rather "deep subject" and I don't believe it is appropriate material for ALF.
    I am sorry you had a disappointing experience, Maria.
     
    pandora97, GoldDustWoman622 and mac like this.
  3. mac

    mac Staff Member

    Mediums come in all levels of ability. Without evidence of a connected loved-one that you find satisfactory, however, you are right to feel you did not experience evidential mediumship.

    Even if discarnate individuals had been communicating via mediumship it doesn't mean you have to listen to what they had to say - it might have absolutely no relevance for you. BUT no practitioner should ever pretend to be connecting with a spirit communicator or pretend a genuine spirit contact had relevance for you. The honest response would be to tell you she/he had made no meaningful connection that appeared personal to you if that's what happened. Any information coming from any other communicator should be evaluated as critically as you wish but also you may have experienced nothing more than a psychic reading / counselling session.

    I think Ravensgate has dealt very well with the grief / bereavement counselling situation.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
  4. Maria

    Maria Member

    Ten out of ten for your brilliant observation, ravensgate. Shortly after Peter’s death, a doctor’s opinion was that I may be suffering from complicated grief. Peter and I depended on each other in different ways, but I think that if I had passed first, he would be able to cope better. He was my soulmate, and my evergreen true friend. I therefore miss him every second of the day, and feel so vulnerable and afraid without him to the extent of experiencing panic attacks, because he is no longer there. It is rather embarrassing to reveal this, but when Peter was in the chapel of rest I went in there alone, and impulsively took some photos of in him in his coffin with my mobile phone. Ever since them, I seem to be drawn back in to looking at the photos which makes me even more depressed and tearful. I would not agree however, that I do not want to “get over” Peter’s death as it is more a case that I never will, as part of me died with him. I therefore feel a shadow of my former self and just yearn to be with him. With my luck however, I fear that I will be forced to endure this hellish nightmare by surviving for more years than I want. Thank you so much for your gentle empathy ravensgate, and I think you would make a gifted bereavement counsellor.
     
  5. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    Maria, you did/do not strike me as the person who does not want to "get over" her grief, but I mentioned it because there are some individuals who do not want to get "over it", and for such people the "problem" and treatment is quite involved - which is why I mentioned it would not be appropriate material to discuss on the ALF.
    I thank you for the compliment, Maria. My specialty was not counseling, though I eventually fell into it, close to my retirement, lol. Prior to that, I was in the field of neuropsychiatry (which, over the years, split into the distinct specialties of psychiatry and neurology), but as the old fart that I am, I continue to call it "neuropsychiatry". To this day I consider the workings of the human mind the most exciting medical specialty; I suppose you could say that I love to discover what makes each one of us tick at different speeds! :D:D
    Out of curiosity, Maria, what draws you to look at Peter's photos? What are your thoughts as you look at them?
    Finally, believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one who ever took pictures of a loved one in his/her coffin; nothing to blush about, Maria, it's more common than one might think. :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2018
  6. mac

    mac Staff Member

    I realise it's not an equivalent situation but the only photos we have of our baby son are those I took of him in his coffin, at our home on the day of his burial. It's the only time he was with us - briefly. How different our lives would have been had he lived.

    The common lines at the time were: "You'll be able to have another." and "He wasn't meant to be." as if either made up for our loss.
     
  7. Maria

    Maria Member

     
  8. Maria

    Maria Member

    Mac, it was so sad reading about your baby, and I will never stop being amazed by the insensitivity of some people. Even if a pet cat or dog dies, you don’t tell the grieving owner “the best thing to do is get another one”. As regards the photographs of the dead, perhaps it is more common than I realised. I was surprised when a neighbour showed me a photo of her father in his coffin. Long before Peter’s death, I had read about the Victorian practice of “post mortem photographs”. There are many available on the internet, and I always found it particularly sad seeing little dead children surrounded by their dolls and teddy bears. It was also quite common then to have keepsakes of your loved ones hair contained in a locket etc. I think we will always be traumatised by the subject of death as it is such a mystery. Subsequently its horror causes the bereaved to react in so many different ways.
     
  9. Monika

    Monika Well-Known Member

    Maria, i am so sad to hear what you had to listen mediums speaking :( I dont know about mediums much or how they work. From my own experience i can share that if words said by someone who claim to contact with my love made me at least a little sad or uncomfortable, then i know that they did not contact with my Michel. I know that he does not go into contact just because some stranger is asking him and he see me there. Meanwhile he choose people and then they contact me. It was just a few people but they managed to give message as so as it was i trully believe. It is intresting that both of those people could barely speak english but the messages were most exact for me. And most incredible message from Michel i got was from 3 years old boy who do not speak english at all :)
    This showed for me one more time that i dont need to be medium to be able to contact and comunicate with my love by myself. I just need to be open enough. Like 3 years old child. And not question.
    I dont know if what i wrote helps for you Maria, but i hope at least a little.
    Soulmates never leave. He is beside you. Just listen♡♡♡♡
     
    GoldDustWoman622, SashaS and Bill Z like this.
  10. Monika

    Monika Well-Known Member

    Oh and about picture you took of your love in coffin...in the country where i am from it is completely normal. There we often even have photographs to make pictures of all the process. Everyone has pictures of relatives and friends whoever have passed away. Those pictures you can often see nicely put in family albums. It is part of life.
    By myself i do not have picture of Michel. It stays in my head as sharp as at the moment. But i try not to remember it as i prefer to remember him as strong and healthy 29 years old man :) ♡♡
     
    Bill Z likes this.

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