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Relationships

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussions' started by poeticblue, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I need some help in figuring out what to do in my current state that brought me back to here on the afterlife forums.

    Firstly, I went through a bad breakup and it is absolutely torturing me feeling as though I've lost my best friend. Secondly, I want to reach out to him but it is unclear whether he will respond back. My biggest fear is showing my vunerbility but in this instance, I guess it wouldn't be such a bad idea to do so. What is the best way to go about sending an apology towards someone you love when you've made some mistakes?

    I am pretty sure that there are regular members here going through a similar situation or has been through it. Any advice would be appreciated.
     
    grannty likes this.
  2. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Dear friend, I have been married for almost 45 years so I haven't had these particular issues, but I do have longstanding friendships, and essentially that is what love relationships are: at their base, they're friendships (just as you say). My bit of advice, for whatever it might be worth, is this:

    * You will need to bring closure to this chapter of your life. The way that it was ended is torturing you, as you say, and that is something that in my experience does not get better. The worst word in the English language is "regret"! Don't make yourself live with that forever.

    * What's wrong with being vulnerable? What I have learned as I've gotten older is that showing our vulnerability is actually a show of strength. I couldn't do it when I was young and insecure, back when it mattered to me that I always look good; but what I have learned is that being vulnerable makes people see you as strong enough to be able to do that. Heck, now I look for opportunities to show my soft side!

    * Without knowing more about the relationship the two of you have had, all I can say is that the best way to reach out is to reach out. Repeatedly, if necessary! By email, text, and phone. Say you miss him and you'd love to just share coffee and see how he is doing. Say you're thinking of him. Email and ask him how that project he was working on is going and end the email with a hug. Or text him a hug. Email him that you've been going over in your mind this or that thing that you said, and you regret it very much, and you're sorry. And so on. If it were me (and that's really the only way that we can advise others - by thinking of what we would do), I would think of the breakup as a lovers' quarrel, and assume that any rebuffs he might give me were part of that quarrel until I could find a way to get him to agree to another meeting. If after a year he still won't do it, I would then send him a final email and also text and phone message that says something like "I'm coming to see that you really are happier with me out of your life, which saddens me but I accept it now. I'm giving you a final hug and my love, and from the depth of my heart I wish you well." Or whatever. By then, after you have tried your best, you should feel a lot more at peace about this.

    I don't know if this helps you, dear beautiful friend, but it's what I would do!
     
  3. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    Thank you Roberta. I took your advice and another members advice on this forum that was similar to yours and come to find out...it worked. In fact, he expressed the same thing I did but didn't know how to reach out to me. Sometimes I saw vunerbility as being weak, but now I am seeing that expressing regret, pain, and ones flaws is a strength. I appreciate the advice and I will carry this with me. A huge weight I feel has been lifted from my chest and in a way I am kind of thankful for going through such difficulties. Who knew that a simple 'Im sorry' would go a long way.

    A lot more things were discussed between him and I but that's personal . Anyways I really appreciate the good advice I've been given here and I've should have known better to begin with. I just wanted to make sure (and what not) :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2017
  4. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Oh darling, I am so glad!!
     
  5. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    I can only share what my late wife and I did although we never had a break up, we had a few close calls. We began our union as Best Friends and pledged to be 100% honest and respectful ALL OF THE TIME and not just whenever we were in a good mood. So, whenever things became "difficult" we used rigorous honesty and good will to get through it. As best friends, the good will part was rather easy and holding to 100% honesty helped us be just vulnerable enough to apologize or explain things that (mostly) I did wrong. By HONESTLY apologizing for our mistakes, AS FRIENDS, it was possible to mend the wounds and believe that our mistakes would not be repeated which promotes trust and love.

    Re: What is the best way to go about sending an apology towards someone you love when you've made some mistakes?
    I would begin with some kind of note or letter and humbly invite the partner to come to a one on one meeting in a safe and neutral place or to a counselor's office if it's a real painful issue. If the partner refuses, I'd try a few more times with the most sincere and FRIENDLY messages possible either in a letter or through a trusted 3rd party. Any means to let the hurt or angry partner know that you are SERIOUS and want to make things better.
    The other thing my late wife and I did, to keep our union in good health was to study some relationship books and DO what the books said. This info is also available on line through google. We only had to learn and CONSISTENTLY DO a few healthy relationship skills that neither of us were ever taught at home.
    We enthusiastically and with much humor learned about the 20 second kiss, frequent and enthusiastic affection, honesty, respect, loyalty, empathy, patience, NO CRITICISM, friendship, NO RIDICULE, moral support, and many of the things found even in our wedding vows. The most important feature is CONSISTENCY or behaving well ALL OF THE TIME! Many partners start out real well and then slowly or suddenly lack off, get lazy, bored or indifferent and allow their love to DIE simply because they do not know how to keep it alive and well. We sometimes laughed at our intentional and deliberate practices that came from those books but we never turned our relationship skills into silly jokes or made fun of each other. It was playful but effective and those skills kept us in love for 26 years until bad health took Irene's life.
    So even if you get your partner back, you both may need to learn how to happily stay together and it can be a lot of fun learning good relationship skills and DOING them.
    good luck

    re: Thank you Roberta. I took your advice and another members advice on this forum that was similar to yours and come to find out...it worked. In fact, he expressed the same thing I did but didn't know how to reach out to me. Sometimes I saw vunerbility as being weak, but now I am seeing that expressing regret, pain, and ones flaws is a strength. I appreciate the advice and I will carry this with me. A huge weight I feel has been lifted from my chest and in a way I am kind of thankful for going through such difficulties. Who knew that a simple 'Im sorry' would go a long way.
    A lot more things were discussed between him and I but that's personal . Anyways I really appreciate the good advice I've been given here and I've should have known better to begin with. I just wanted to make sure (and what not) :)

    Jim: Well, it looks like your problem is solved so a lot of what I wrote is no longer needed here. I'd still recommend studying relationship skills to make sure your union stays healthy since it's very easy to slack off and allow a relationship to lose momentum and energy. Most folks fail by not knowing how to keep things interesting, exciting and alive.
    Again, good luck..........
     
    grannty likes this.
  6. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    Thanks Jim. As an FYI, I have also enrolled in a couple of free classes at an institute where I live that deals with addiction, bipolar disorder, and other habits. I love it so far and hope to make the best of it.
     

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