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Ok, so am I the only one here who has no desire to "build a new life"?

Discussion in 'Spiritual Growth & Development' started by bluebird, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    I keep reading threads here and various forums and articles and so forth all over the internet, which have to do with what people do and how they feel after their spouse or significant other has died.

    So much of what I read is about how to feel some happiness in your day, how to cope with the loss, basically how hard and sad it is but what you can do that might help.

    I read all of those things and find myself literally shaking my head "no". I do not want to "build a new life" or "get on with life" or anything like that. And I don't mean just get on with life and forget my husband -- virtually none of the things I'm reading come at it from that angle, they are all about how to incorporate the death into your existence but still get on with your life.

    I have no desire to do so. And I'm not just talking about being suicidal, I mean I truly have no desire to live, no desire to even attempt to find things to make me happy, no desire to move on with life in any way. For me, it's just a matter of managing not to kill myself because I promised my family I wouldn't, and that's all every day is. There is nothing more to life, for me, but waiting to die so that I can be with my husband again. I have no energy or inclination or desire for anything else, since what I really want (for my husband not to have died and for us to be together in the life we deserve and should have had) isn't going to happen.

    It's frustrating to keep reading about people trying to move on with their lives. I don't begrudge them that if that is what then want to do and what makes them happy -- that's fine for them. But I don't want that for myself. Am I seriously the only one who feels this way??
     
  2. Celera

    Celera Active Member

    My guess is at this moment you are the only one who feels this way.

    But I'm sure you are not the only one who has ever felt this way. I think it is a rather normal phase of many people's grieving process.

    To me, actually, what you describe is consistent with being very depressed. When I was depressed (for years) I didn't want to build a new life or feel happy or make a sandwich when I was hungry because what was the point? Nothing was worth doing. (Sometimes I watch those shows about hoarders, and as horrifying as it is, I totally get how people sink into chaos like that.) Counseling got me to feeling only halfway sad and hopeless. I actually thought that was how most people felt, and they just had more self-discipline than I did. It wasn't until Prozac that I found out most people actually feel sad and hopeless only occasionally, and they find some things are sufficiently enjoyable that they are worth making an effort for.

    For me, depression is partly biology and partly a solid thirty years of constant fear and shame and trauma. That isn't quite the same thing as having a pretty good life that is suddenly blown apart.

    So anyway, as a sort of psychologist (I do have an MS in psychology, but I'm not a counsellor) I would say that the way you feel is a normal stage. It's your choice to see if you can change it, or wait until it changes itself, or just stay this way forever. I think you seem like a good person, and a pretty smart person, and I wish you could be in less pain. But there are a lot of things I wish that I can't make happen, and that seems to be my challenge in life lately.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2013
  3. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    I don’t believe people move on with their lives because it “makes them feel happy”, but feeling miserable and pissed off at a god will do absolutely nothing to bring their loved one back, so – really – what is the point?
    The way I see it, there is little that can be done in regards to your situation because you have no desire to continue; it’s as if the wind has been taken off your sails. Basically, you have given up, don’t want to feel better, you just want to die, so no-one – not even your husband – can help you (and I’m sure he’s tried!).

    In a previous post of yours, I read something to the effect that if you end up in the afterlife, no-one could stop you from finding your husband. You’re so angry and full of anguish, you take a very mortal approach to god, the afterlife, and how things may operate over there; do you really think that once you’re in the afterlife, you can just give them all a blast, win the argument with some higher being and join your husband? I highly doubt it, Bluebird.

    You want to communicate so badly with your husband, you yearn for some type of “proof” that he continues to exist, and yet I see/read no evidence indicating that you seriously consider adopting/trying any of the suggestions that could help you do exactly that.
    I think others have made several suggestions, but have you really tried any of them? I don’t believe so. Ultimately, the choice always rests with you. I wish there was more that one could offer; I, for one, am at a loss, and I truly am sorry, Bluebird.
     
  4. ravensgate

    ravensgate Active Member

    P.S. Bluebird, I am not ticked off at you, but I am frustrated at my inability to reach you. What I wrote may be a crock, but it is how I see it… and you know I tell it the way I see it (and yes, quite possibly I am “full of it”). If I offended you in any way, I apologize.
     
  5. Celera

    Celera Active Member

    Perhaps I'm not the only one whose current mission in life is to do what must be done and then accept that the results are beyond my control. :) Not just with bluebird, of course. If you want to feel ineffective, try having grown-up kids!
     

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