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My human costume?

Discussion in 'Member Introductions' started by stevie62, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. I have spent most of my life either disbelieving or denying and saying hurtful things about God, religion all of it. On those days when I believed I was angry and yelling and threatening God. I was going to bust up St Peters gate and kick God in the groin. But since he may be gender-less, I have to rethink that plan.

    I was married to an angel faced little doll with a heart of gold. One smile and she melted your heart. My friends all said I won the spouse lottery.
    I lost her to cancer and even as she was fighting and dying, she thought more of others than she did herself.

    Its been almost three years. I have not done so well with dealing with my grief. I had only two options. She was gone into oblivion and no longer aware of herself or anything else. No longer anything. Or she was in heaven with family and friends and feeling love.

    Some months ago in a moment of desperation, and in between the tears, I prayed. I asked my wife go talk to Jesus or God and tell them I need proof. Tell them I need to be certain you are well and happy and in a wonderful place.

    Afterward I stumbled into near death experiences and watched a few video's and got really interested. There was hope. Several books later and lots of video's and following where all of this led. Then stumbled on serious research and mediums and readings and its a bit overwhelming to try and learn and understand it all at once.

    And I realize what has happened in my life is common to so many. So many people have lost loved ones and went looking for answers. Looking for some way to ease the inner torment. It seems they also find themselves looking and studying everything they can. Stories about the afterlife and a new understanding of what our reality actually is gives us that bit of hope, gives us the strength to keep going.

    It all sounds too good to be true. I still have a bit of doubt. And I may carry that around with me until Jesus himself has lunch with me and helps me to believe.
    bluebird likes this.
  2. mac

    mac Staff Member

    welcome to ALF :) We hope you find here something to help you on your journey.
  3. bluebird

    bluebird Major Contributor


    I spent my childhood believing in god, then became agnostic (while hoping there was a kind, sentient, loving god) around high school or college. Since my husband died nearly seven years ago, I have been atheist/agnostic (basically I don't know if there's a god, but I doubt it, and if there is I am furious with it).

    So, while I have not always viewed god as you do now, I have since my husband died. I feel much as you do -- I doubt the existence of an afterlife (though I fervently hope it does exist, and that we are reunited with our spouses and other loved ones there), I have no use whatsoever for religion, and I have researched NDEs and other afterlife-related topics. It's what brought me to this site.

    You are not alone in feeling as you do. Welcome to ALF.
  4. Thank you Bluebird.
    There is very little anyone can say to heal the wounds of a grieving spouse or parent. I cried daily, almost hourly. Small things, reminders and I was breaking apart inside. As of the last several months, I don't cry so much. Even caught myself laughing a few times. I saw a video recently and the lady said "imagine what a gift it is to be so deeply in love with someone that losing them breaks you". The sad truth is that some people never experience a deep unconditional love with another human being. So I am thankful for these memories, thankful for the love she gave me. I talk to her now, every day just as if she is right here next to me. Because if we believe what we are learning, than she is with me all the time but in spirit form. Just as your husband is with you all the time. Talk to him, tell him you love him and would like something to erase your doubts.

    I went to an IANDS meeting yesterday. The speaker was a lady who had a verifiable NDE. The moment she woke up in the OR she told all the doctors and nurses exactly what they were doing while she was out. For her there is zero doubt. She doesn't believe, she absolutely knows.

    I talk to God or Jesus or my spirit guides regularly. I tell them all that I need solid proof to erase and shred of doubt. I remind God that I am always skeptical and slow to see details or abnormalities. I tell him I need to be hit over the head with the truth so I will get it. I have started meditating. Trying at least. I always have so much clutter in my thoughts that I am saying, "shut the blank up! I am trying to meditate!"

    This is not religion. We don't believe because someone said join me in my delusion exactly this way or else! We don't need to attend church or knock on doors or put money in the plate or sing about bringing in the sheep. We don't need to scream about anything from the mountain tops. We are in the midst of a spiritual awakening and revolution. The more evidence, double blind experiments, scientific research, etc, the more people will begin to know.

    None of us is required to do anything. But if we love each other and practice kindness to everyone and every creature our world will be a better place.
    summer826, jobun and SashaS like this.

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