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Just lost my brother to suicide

Discussion in 'Member Introductions' started by Maureen Invictus Maneo, Dec 17, 2016.

  1. I just lost my beautiful 60 yr old brother to suicide a week ago. My compassionate heart painfully, watched him suffer immensely and relentlessly these last 3 1/2 yrs, after he was put on all sorts of awful psych meds, that morphed him into something he was not, and drove him to attempt to take his precious life, and on his 5th attempt he succeeded :( .

    When this all began several yrs ago we found out thru neuro-psych testing that aside from very severe OCD my brother was high functioning Aspergers, which I think was a very huge factor in the psych meds having an awful effect on him and also why he could not be helped by mainstream therapy. My brother was a very good and kind soul, very unassuming and just a real sweet guy. Never married, never did drugs or drank. He was my older brother by 4 1/2 and although he was my older brother, he was more like my baby brother, since childhood I was always his protector and when he developed these psych issues, I was his Advocate with the medical community, as they would have swallowed him up if I was not there trying to advocate for him.

    So to make a long story short, the meds destroyed his mind/body/spirit the lack of appropriate therapy made my brother very, very difficult to deal with and support, it was so very overwhelming for both my Mom (he lived with our 81 yr old Mom) to deal with. The last words I had with my brother were awful :( I was beyond stressed by his obsessive thoughts and extreme negativity, I said horrible things to him, told him things like stop, you are driving us all crazy with your constant complaining, your ungrateful, Im done, just awful things like that, and I will live with this guilt for a very long time. The meds did something to his personality he became so very fearful something he never ever was, and the fears just drove him to constantly beg for reassurance some days he would literally called me 20 times, constant texting it was all so very overwhelming and his extreme negative persona was just so difficult to deal with on a daily basis for all those years. His fears drove him constantly to calling 911 and visiting emergency wards and doctors. These are behaviors my brother never engaged in, he never had mental illness, never had anxiety, fears, or insomnia until the meds, he was always very placid, and neutral and quite happy and funny. When he lost his job of almost 8 yrs and had to give up his condo and go live with our Mom, that break of his routine, really destroyed him (folks w/aspergers cannot handle changes, especially the huge changes he had, mix that with OCD and it caused huge stress for him).

    Getting back to that night, my Mom said she was asleep and she heard a very loud thump, she got up and found my poor brother on the bathroom floor bleeding profusely, crying saying he had to do it. He then crawled to his bed and collapsed. My Mom initially called me (i have ptsd from my husbands accidental death 10 yrs ago and am not good dealing with trauma) so my life partner told her to call 911. EMT's came and couldn't save him. :( The scene I am told was horrific blood everywhere, my poor Mom has such horrible visions in her head.

    Why I am here is because I am very, very concerned about my Brothers soul. I am a very Spiritual person and have a very good understanding about life and the afterlife I KNOW it exists, I have had many communications and visits from loved ones who have passed over. When my husband passed in his accidental death, it was a phone call I received from my husband in a dream, that aided in my survival of at the time was the worst thing that happened to me.

    Now, I am very, very concerned that my brother is not in a good place despite being such a good soul, and the fact he really, really was in such dark despair and due to his cognitive disability, and LACK of good care from the psych community, I have to believe what he did was not in vain. I am not a Buddhist, but, know of a practice Buddhists do to release souls that die suddenly via accident or suicide. It is called a Powah practice, I did it for a friend many years ago who committed suicide. And when my husband died, I went to a Buddhist Temple and had the monks do the Powah for my husband.

    I am going to do one for my brother, as I feel he needs it, Im just so worried about his well being. All my life, I have had a weird, connection with the dying and always, always, always, my feelings in regard to losing a loved one is not my worries about never seeing them again in the physical, but, most importantly the well being of their soul. I don't even know why, but, thats just something I have always felt.

    In closing I am writing to hear others experiencing with losing a loved one to suicide, did they come to you to let you know they are okay? Or must they suffer relentlessly until their earth time is due to end? So my main thoughts and prayers are that he comes to me and lets me know he is okay, I will not rest and be at peace until then.

    Once I know he is okay, I will then, pick up where he finished with his life's work, and bring a much needed, huge awareness out there, at this most awful unjust way, that psychiatry failed him and others like him. Lets face it, the state of psychiatry in America, is Archaic, Dysfunctional and anything but Healing. I feel my life's work at this point in time, is to do all I can to change that. I believe we each come here into this school called Life with our own mission, our own set of lessons. And that we choose, our families, our struggles and lessons and even our death (way before we are even born) and when we are finished, we go back to our original home, which is the Spirit World. And as sad as this is, I do believe all that my brother went thru, he had to , and that it was all Divine Order that even his Suicide was part of his path. I just really need my visit from him, so I know he is okay, and I can then focus on making some much needed changes out there, so that others in his situation, can avoid the fate my brother had. My sincere apologies for such a long message.

    Lets remember, We are All just Walking Each Other Home <3
  2. mac

    mac Staff Member

    It's a desperately sad time for you but you appear to understand a great deal. What more can I offer? Perhaps only to say your brother will attract all the help he needs. That help was already in place before his passing.

    Perhaps he will return to tell you he's OK but I hope your life won't be on hold waiting. Things don't always work out exactly as we'd like.
  3. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    I'm so sorry, Maureen! My husband and son are both high-functioning Asperger's people, as was my primary guide in his Thomas Jefferson lifetime, so I am very familiar with the beautiful, brilliant, lovably eccentric beings these people are!

    Please understand that there is no post-death judgment by anyone but ourselves, and people who are hurting as your brother was hurting attract very big help, as Mac says just above. Your brother's personal guides were with him during life and are loving and counseling him now, and calling in others to help him as well. Just being where the very air he breathes and the beautiful, brilliant light is pure love is helping him a lot!

    He will probably be sending you reassuring signs of his survival, if he has not already begun to do so. If you will send me an email through robertagrimes.com, I will send you a PDF of The Fun of Staying in Touch to help you recognize his signs!
  4. jimrich

    jimrich Established Member


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