I Feel as Though I Have Been Punched in The Face By an E-mail

As I have mentioned before, I lost the love of my life because of breast cancer in June 2016. As anyone who knows what this is like, it's brutal. It's an amputation. As I have mentioned before, I find the well-meaning "move on" suggestion to be very offensive and insulting. I think about my girlfriend all day, I'm sad, life is much darker and I miss her more than words can express. I would give anything for a sign from her.

I wrote to a fairly well-known (in this field) doctor about the difficulties and frustrations in establishing 2-way communication with people who have crossed over, and I think his response is accurate. Until the last paragraph. That's where I take exception. Do I want her to be profoundly unhappy? Of course not. But it's not like we can make a choice there. The suggestion that she might want me to find someone else is an extremely painful one. It was like a slap in the face. It's hard to explain why in writing, but you may understand. That part was very hard to read. It ain't gonna happen like that for me. I am not going to replace her.

For some of us who have lost the love of their life, there is no desire or feeling to ever love again. And what's wrong with that? There is also the part where I don't want anyone to get between me and her. So that if there is an afterlife, it's just me and her. Do you see where it could possibly get complicated in situations in which people fall in love again?

I am starting to see these professionals as well-meaning armchair experts. I have to wonder how many of them have lost the person who is the most important person in the world to them. And if we take that small number, how many would write that last paragraph below? Not many. I'm not blaming them, as they couldn't have an idea of how this works unless they have experienced it firsthand. But, in my opinion, when I see the "move on" term used, I think I am safe in assuming that I am not dealing with someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse or child.

Am I missing something?

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Concerning your efforts at contacting the deceased, I must gently warn you of an annoying, frustrating research finding. It would appear that people who are "desperate" to contact loved ones have a lesser probability of succeeding. A light-hearted, playful atmosphere seems to be most conducive to success. For this reason, already in Victorian times, seances were preceded by music and singing by the participants themselves. Dr Botkin, for instance, had great success with veterans who simply had no idea that they were having to have an experience. My own limited experiences with volunteers trying IADC seem to indicate the same: people who were interested in "trying things out" had vivid experiences, whilst people who were very keen in having a specific contact didn't.

Prom a practical perspective, I don't know what to do with this. It is indeed annoying and frustrating, because relieving grief should be the first and foremost aim of such techniques. But, alas, this seems to be the situation at the present.

A humble suggestion may then be to simply rest in the knowledge that your girlfriend goes on living in a non-physical dimension, which is essentially different from our world, accept the fact that she will not be in your physical life any more - with the inevitable pain and sorrow that that entails - and try to move on. This, after all, is what our deceased loved ones keep telling us all the time - though mediums and other means: "I am here, I am alive, and I still love you, but my desire is for you to be happy and move to the next stage in your life. I know that you will never forget me, for I am a part of you, but do not let the love we have known together be a sentence for a life of pain and misery. That would make me profoundly unhappy. Be happy, and when you'll be ready, love again. In no way that can possibly detract from what we lived together. Your being happy will simply make me happy."

P.S. Edited last paragraph of first section at 10:00 PM MST 2/19.

 

Well you probably already know my view on this, lol -- I disagree with the e-mail you received. Perhaps it is true that sometimes great grief can make communication more difficult, but I do not believe that it is always true. The fact is, our dead loved ones, if we were very close to them as one is with a spouse/partner, know us, and know what we need. Because they love us, it is my belief that they will try to contact us if possible. Also, I have had experiences which may very well have been signs from my husband, as well as visited a respected medium through whom he supposedly communicated with me (much of what she said was very valid, though of course I can't be sure). I am as destroyed by grief now as I was when my husband first died, as I always will be, and still he (may have) managed to communicate with me.

No human knows for sure how this stuff works, and even those with a lot of experience in these matters cannot say with any surety that it is always a particular way. All you can do is try to communicate with your love, and while you are still in this life on this planet do what you can to find some peace. In my opinion, that is probably what she wants for you (and happiness, of course, if you are able to find it, but not everyone is). Also, the fact is that you are the one stuck here, so it is you who must make the decisions on how you live the remainder of your life -- not your deceased loved one, and not some doctor who has never met either of you.

 

Hi Denver Guy,
My thoughts are with you. I lost the love of my life in June 2017. She was 58 pounds, so I understand the deterioration that disease is capable of. But thankfully after being released from the hospital into Home Hospice, She took Her last breath with me by Her side.
I've been blessed in that She contacted me soon after and continues too but I got a lot of help. Www.simplespirit.com is a medium in Denver that really helped me. Attending services at a Spiritualist Church with mediums has also been very helpful.
There are also on-line free exercises by R. Craig Hogan that connected me with my fiance.
It's understandable that they would want us to be happy as we would wish for them if the situation was reversed. I know my fiance is concerned about me and often reminds me in dreams, etc that did I really want to continue with Her in Her physical state at the end of Her physical life?
I can not accept that anyone who has been a loving person can be "profoundly unhappy" there. From my understanding She is at peace surrounded by love and loving friends and family, even Her doggie. I liken our relationship to almost a parent and child. A loving parent feels concern for a child who lost it's favorite toy or has a toothache but "profoundly unhappy"? I don't think so. I think your doctor was grasping at straws to help you feel better and that usually backfires.
Your words resonate with me. I feel that I can never love a woman again after my time with Her. And there is no joy in my life other than to realize and help others realize that there is no death only transition.
I wish you peace my friend.

 

I feel the same way DenverGuy! I've lost my husband on December 2016 because of stomach cancer. He was my love of my life and losing him was the hardest thing ever. We have two kids together and when I stay with them I laugh and I do my best. But my pain is there and I miss my other part. How can death stop my love for him?! Even if he isn't there physically, he is so alive in my being!
So being happy isn't the right word for me. In my own perspective I would not consider this e-mail. I follow my insticts and I do what I feel.
DenverGuy, I think that sooner or later you will have a sign from her. Be patient and keep asking. I've got different signs from my husband and I know that he is okay. Which is such a relief!

 

Bluebird, you have a way of cutting through the nonsense and getting right down to it. I appreciate your thoughtful and helpful words. Thank you!

Bill, thanks, and I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through. Thanks for the referral to the medium. I am on her site now. Do you do 1/2 hour sessions with her?

That's encouraging that Dr. Hogan's self-guided program worked. I am getting ready to get started with it.
I think the doctor meant that they would be profoundly unhappy (on the other side) if they knew how bad we felt. And if they know as much as they say they do, they know. But how can we change our deep longing, sadness, and loss? We can't.

I never wanted to see my girlfriend not alive, and I wasn't there for her final moments. I couldn't handle it. I feel terrible about that now. She wasn't alone, though. Also, I called the hospice later and asked them all kinds of questions about her final moments.

SashaS, I am sorry to hear that. Your words are comforting, though. Thank you for helping.
I would rather feel this way despite how hard it is, than to be okay with it, believe me. Bluebird, I have a hunch that you feel the same way. They say that grief is love turned inside out and that it doesn't change you, really, it reveals you. I believe that. I am happy for you that you have received signs. I hope that more are on the way.

Death ends a person's life here, not a relationship.