I Feel as Though I Have Been Punched in The Face By an E-mail

As I have mentioned before, I lost the love of my life because of breast cancer in June 2016. As anyone who knows what this is like, it's brutal. It's an amputation. As I have mentioned before, I find the well-meaning "move on" suggestion to be very offensive and insulting. I think about my girlfriend all day, I'm sad, life is much darker and I miss her more than words can express. I would give anything for a sign from her.

I wrote to a fairly well-known (in this field) doctor about the difficulties and frustrations in establishing 2-way communication with people who have crossed over, and I think his response is accurate. Until the last paragraph. That's where I take exception. Do I want her to be profoundly unhappy? Of course not. But it's not like we can make a choice there. The suggestion that she might want me to find someone else is an extremely painful one. It was like a slap in the face. It's hard to explain why in writing, but you may understand. That part was very hard to read. It ain't gonna happen like that for me. I am not going to replace her.

For some of us who have lost the love of their life, there is no desire or feeling to ever love again. And what's wrong with that? There is also the part where I don't want anyone to get between me and her. So that if there is an afterlife, it's just me and her. Do you see where it could possibly get complicated in situations in which people fall in love again?

I am starting to see these professionals as well-meaning armchair experts. I have to wonder how many of them have lost the person who is the most important person in the world to them. And if we take that small number, how many would write that last paragraph below? Not many. I'm not blaming them, as they couldn't have an idea of how this works unless they have experienced it firsthand. But, in my opinion, when I see the "move on" term used, I think I am safe in assuming that I am not dealing with someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse or child.

Am I missing something?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Concerning your efforts at contacting the deceased, I must gently warn you of an annoying, frustrating research finding. It would appear that people who are "desperate" to contact loved ones have a lesser probability of succeeding. A light-hearted, playful atmosphere seems to be most conducive to success. For this reason, already in Victorian times, seances were preceded by music and singing by the participants themselves. Dr Botkin, for instance, had great success with veterans who simply had no idea that they were having to have an experience. My own limited experiences with volunteers trying IADC seem to indicate the same: people who were interested in "trying things out" had vivid experiences, whilst people who were very keen in having a specific contact didn't.

Prom a practical perspective, I don't know what to do with this. It is indeed annoying and frustrating, because relieving grief should be the first and foremost aim of such techniques. But, alas, this seems to be the situation at the present.

A humble suggestion may then be to simply rest in the knowledge that your girlfriend goes on living in a non-physical dimension, which is essentially different from our world, accept the fact that she will not be in your physical life any more - with the inevitable pain and sorrow that that entails - and try to move on. This, after all, is what our deceased loved ones keep telling us all the time - though mediums and other means: "I am here, I am alive, and I still love you, but my desire is for you to be happy and move to the next stage in your life. I know that you will never forget me, for I am a part of you, but do not let the love we have known together be a sentence for a life of pain and misery. That would make me profoundly unhappy. Be happy, and when you'll be ready, love again. In no way that can possibly detract from what we lived together. Your being happy will simply make me happy."

P.S. Edited last paragraph of first section at 10:00 PM MST 2/19.

 

Well you probably already know my view on this, lol -- I disagree with the e-mail you received. Perhaps it is true that sometimes great grief can make communication more difficult, but I do not believe that it is always true. The fact is, our dead loved ones, if we were very close to them as one is with a spouse/partner, know us, and know what we need. Because they love us, it is my belief that they will try to contact us if possible. Also, I have had experiences which may very well have been signs from my husband, as well as visited a respected medium through whom he supposedly communicated with me (much of what she said was very valid, though of course I can't be sure). I am as destroyed by grief now as I was when my husband first died, as I always will be, and still he (may have) managed to communicate with me.

No human knows for sure how this stuff works, and even those with a lot of experience in these matters cannot say with any surety that it is always a particular way. All you can do is try to communicate with your love, and while you are still in this life on this planet do what you can to find some peace. In my opinion, that is probably what she wants for you (and happiness, of course, if you are able to find it, but not everyone is). Also, the fact is that you are the one stuck here, so it is you who must make the decisions on how you live the remainder of your life -- not your deceased loved one, and not some doctor who has never met either of you.

 

Hi Denver Guy,
My thoughts are with you. I lost the love of my life in June 2017. She was 58 pounds, so I understand the deterioration that disease is capable of. But thankfully after being released from the hospital into Home Hospice, She took Her last breath with me by Her side.
I've been blessed in that She contacted me soon after and continues too but I got a lot of help. Www.simplespirit.com is a medium in Denver that really helped me. Attending services at a Spiritualist Church with mediums has also been very helpful.
There are also on-line free exercises by R. Craig Hogan that connected me with my fiance.
It's understandable that they would want us to be happy as we would wish for them if the situation was reversed. I know my fiance is concerned about me and often reminds me in dreams, etc that did I really want to continue with Her in Her physical state at the end of Her physical life?
I can not accept that anyone who has been a loving person can be "profoundly unhappy" there. From my understanding She is at peace surrounded by love and loving friends and family, even Her doggie. I liken our relationship to almost a parent and child. A loving parent feels concern for a child who lost it's favorite toy or has a toothache but "profoundly unhappy"? I don't think so. I think your doctor was grasping at straws to help you feel better and that usually backfires.
Your words resonate with me. I feel that I can never love a woman again after my time with Her. And there is no joy in my life other than to realize and help others realize that there is no death only transition.
I wish you peace my friend.

 

I feel the same way DenverGuy! I've lost my husband on December 2016 because of stomach cancer. He was my love of my life and losing him was the hardest thing ever. We have two kids together and when I stay with them I laugh and I do my best. But my pain is there and I miss my other part. How can death stop my love for him?! Even if he isn't there physically, he is so alive in my being!
So being happy isn't the right word for me. In my own perspective I would not consider this e-mail. I follow my insticts and I do what I feel.
DenverGuy, I think that sooner or later you will have a sign from her. Be patient and keep asking. I've got different signs from my husband and I know that he is okay. Which is such a relief!

 

Bluebird, you have a way of cutting through the nonsense and getting right down to it. I appreciate your thoughtful and helpful words. Thank you!

Bill, thanks, and I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through. Thanks for the referral to the medium. I am on her site now. Do you do 1/2 hour sessions with her?

That's encouraging that Dr. Hogan's self-guided program worked. I am getting ready to get started with it.
I think the doctor meant that they would be profoundly unhappy (on the other side) if they knew how bad we felt. And if they know as much as they say they do, they know. But how can we change our deep longing, sadness, and loss? We can't.

I never wanted to see my girlfriend not alive, and I wasn't there for her final moments. I couldn't handle it. I feel terrible about that now. She wasn't alone, though. Also, I called the hospice later and asked them all kinds of questions about her final moments.

SashaS, I am sorry to hear that. Your words are comforting, though. Thank you for helping.
I would rather feel this way despite how hard it is, than to be okay with it, believe me. Bluebird, I have a hunch that you feel the same way. They say that grief is love turned inside out and that it doesn't change you, really, it reveals you. I believe that. I am happy for you that you have received signs. I hope that more are on the way.

Death ends a person's life here, not a relationship.

 

Hi Denver Guy,
I do 1/2 or 1 hour sessions.
Peace and I wish you the best with this.
Sometimes in our grief they are not able to connect, be patient, give it time.

 

Hi Bill, I booked 1/2 hour for next Monday. I will report back. Thank you.

 

That's great my friend! You will not be dissapointed.

 

Bill, she has 5 stars on Yelp.

Also, I was thinking about that last paragraph of the doctor's e-mail. He's the way I would word it:

"I am here, I am alive, and I still love you, and my desire is for you to be happy as you can be in your damaged world. I know what you are going through and I will try to be there for you as much as I can. I am with you more than you know. I know how much you love me. But know this: We are a team, we are meant for each other, and we will reunite someday. It will be forever, and it will be wonderful beyond belief. Do whatever you want now as it doesn't matter. I have taken steps to ensure that it will work out with us when the time comes. There is no hurry as time is much different here, so don't worry about that. I know that you will never forget me, for I am a part of you, and always will be. The joy of our reunion will be beyond words.

P.S. I wonder if I am being my own medium here and if these really are all my words, you know? My psychologist wondered that...

 

Only 5?
My Friend, if you think something in your heart to be true, it probably is. If not your heart will lead you to the truth. Just my thoughts.
She, Shoshanna, has gotten me through some dark times. As has Susie.
Susie told me once that She is no longer human and understands that I am suffering but She is in total peace and joy. She told me She knows who I was, who I am and who I will be. She told me that there are things I can not understand right now but our love is eternal.
The Buddhists suggest that if we choose to reincarnate we have been together in the past. Maybe not as partner, but maybe mother, father, pet, child, whatever.
I understand the love I have for Her, physical, spiritual, intellectual. She is my Goddess! But if we have lived before She has been my lover as well as my son, mother, pet, etc. She tells me that Love is not something I can fully understand in this body.

 

I might give her a 6th if she comes through!
Susie sounds very special, and it is so good that you have been able to hear from her. That has to help a little.

To be honest, though, the reincarnation thing doesn't really appeal to me. I think of it this way:

I cross over and immediately look for my girlfriend. She's not there, I ask around and someone tells me that she has reincarnated and now is a blacksmith somewhere in India. What? An over-simplification, perhaps, but I think my example makes sense.

If reincarnation is true, I hope we have a choice. And I hope that those who know that people who love them desperately want to be with them just say no...

 

You are very welcome; I'm glad I was able to help a bit. And yes, your hunch is correct. Thank you for your good wishes. I hope you receive many signs from your love.

 

Hi Denver Guy,
Just an FYI: consider preparing a series of questions for Shoshanna. Consider asking her to introduce you to your guides. The amazing thing is she won't do but it you will through her stuff. They are there for you 24/7.
You said:
"I never wanted to see my girlfriend not alive, and I wasn't there for her final moments. I couldn't handle it. I feel terrible about that now"
There is no reason to feel that. She was there and knows your love and knows what you can and can not handle from a much higher level than we are at. Susie so lovingly reaches out to me about similar things. This might make you laugh: Toward the end someone told me not to give Susie stimulants like coffee, which She loved. Who knows if they were right and at this point who cares. So I used to hide from my love in the kitchen and drink coffee. Through Shoshanna Susie said "you really think I couldn't smell the coffee from the other room?" For a second I felt terrible than I started laughing.
Perhaps your beloved is communicating non stop. We need to learn to be good receivers. I Liken it to us being children. If the hone rings in a child's crib is the child's mind able to understand that mommy is on the phone? Susie continually tells me that there are things I can not yet understand but Her love comes through.
Peace brother.

 

Bill, thank you. I will do that. Thanks, also, for your reassurance. That is so cool about Suzie mentioning the coffee. I will heed your other words.

This might help you:

 

Thanks for posting that, DenverGuy.

 

You're welcome, Bluebird.

 

Don't have much to add, just wanted to express my condolences to the original poster, as well as the other posters who experienced loss. Sometimes I feel guilty looking so much into these questions when there are others who need the answers at this time so much more. I once had a ticket to go see John Edward but it was just for curiosity, I ended up giving it to someone who needed it more.

 

It may also change the way in which you approach and live the rest of your earthly life.

 

Dear Denver guy, Without reading the rest of this thread, I have jumped in when I read your first post, I haven't been on this wonderful forum as much as I would like due to losing my gorgeous loving husband in 2016, My life has changed, my grown up kids lives have been changed, it isn't getting any better at all despite time passing by, I understand where your coming from through losing the love of your life, I totally get you!
One person asked me if I would ever get close to a man again.Eeeeek, NO WAY, I love my husband now more than i ever had, I am waiting for the day that i meet him again, I don't want to move on because i love thinking about him every waking day, I still cry over him and I don't want to stop crying over him because I don't want to lose these feelings about him, he is my world.
Some people can move on , good for them but i will never move on, things are getting easier coping with the change but I will never ever stop loving him, if I had my life all over again, I would want it with him, no man in this world could ever fill his boots...

Denver Guy, My heart goes out to to you, Ignore that email, it made me cringe when I read the bit about " move on" how insulting, it made me swear!!!!!

Much love to you, and try to keep your chin up, I know its hard , Val xxx

 

I completely understand, Rising. Like you and like DenverGuy, there will never be any "moving on" for me; the very idea of it is insulting, as you said. For some people, loving someone else and maybe getting married again is something that they want -- that's fine for them, I don't fault them for it, although I truly do not understand it. But just as that may be the right path for some people, not dating anyone else or having sex with anyone else or marrying anyone else or loving anyone else is the right path for other people, and I am one of those people in the second group. My husband is not only the love of my life, he is the love of my existence, the love of my soul. There never has been and never will be anyone else for me. Just like you think about your husband all the time, I think about my husband all the time, and literally all I want is to die as soon as possible and, if there is an afterlife, to be with him again.

 

One of my favorite aunts just passed on in late October. She was 91. She lost her husband in 1957. She had three small children to raise 6, 5 & 3. For 60 years she cared for her children and herself and never so much as looked at another man. I'm happy for her now that she is able to be with the love of her life once again. Some of us were meant to spend our lives with just one spouse. My heart goes out to those of you here that have lost your soul mates.

 

Val, without sounding trite, I am sorry that circumstances have led you here. This site is terrific. I have been on one of the grieving sites and the people are helpful there, but I don't find the content to be uplifting at all. It's easy to understand why. This site, on the other hand, is a lot more positive, for lack of a better word.

Another cringe-worthy piece of "advice" is this gem: It takes time! Sure, we adjust but something like this never heals.

You said this: " I don't want to stop crying over him because I don't want to lose these feelings about him, he is my world. " I know what what you mean and I have said the same thing to many others. They just don't get it. I have had two professionals tell me that that's not how I should see it, that the love can be there without the pain. I could explain why I - and I believe you - feel as we do. But I think you know why I disagree with them. Please watch this for a slightly different take. (Don't be put off by the "5 stages" part at the beginning. She explains that it's nonsense).


Thank you for your kind words. I hope are able to get (or maintain) some kind communication with your husband. I hope you stay with this site and get something good from it. Thank you!

 

Thank you DenverGuy and Blubird for your replies, When I sit down later with a cup of Tea I will watch the clip about Grief DG and thanks for sharing, love to you both xx

 

Pandora, I am so happy your aunt is now back with the love of her life, when the day comes when we pass over, it will be fantastic to see all our loved ones xx

 

I've just watched it...Thank you Denver guy.☺☺☺☺☺

 

Bluebird, DG, and Rising, you all mirror exactly how I feel. Life has no meaning since Peter passed, and I feel a part of me was buried with him. If I won billions on the lottery it would bring no joy, and I just live one day at a time. No one could ever fill his place, and I desperately want to believe that when this nightmare life I am forced to endure is over, that I will be reunited with him. I find ALF a sanctuary where I can share my grief with those who understand and feel equal anguish.

DG, have you had your appointment with the other medium yet? I hope that when you do you will find peace of mind from messages conveyed to you by Mila, and the proof that she is still with you but on an unseen vibration.

Rising, on the subject of mediums have you consulted any since your husband’s death, and have you experienced any ADCs from him?

Pandora 97, I was uplifted by your story, and I hope that your aunt and her husband are happy and together again in a beautiful place.

 

I very much hope that there is an afterlife, and that each of us will be reunited with our soulmate (and other loved ones) there, after this life.

 

Many really gifted mediums have commented on that fear that our loved ones will have moved on to another lifetime and won't be there to greet us. Some of them say that only extremely young, undeveloped souls (or ones who died exceptionally violently/unexpectedly) reincarnate quickly. The ones who've lived many lives wait between lives and tend to return to the earth with their most beloved members of their soul group, again and again.

Another comment I've read in a number of books by mediums is that each of us is like a facet of a large, many-faceted gem, which is the oversoul. The part of the oversoul that is us in any given incarnation doesn't necessarily reincarnate and may wait for all the other parts to advance to the same level before the oversoul moves on to another level of the afterlife.

I've read hundreds of books on the afterlife and not yet seen anyone unable to contact a loved one due to the latter having moved on or reincarnated. In one instance, the oversoul did "graduate" to the next level, but the facets who still had loved ones incarnated here remained able to wait for them and stay in contact with them and involved in their lives. And, of course, some souls choose not to incarnate here again. I think we always do have a choice, since we can grow on the Other Side too. Also, I have memories of a former life, so I don't "believe in" reincarnation, I know it's real. But I think it likely that the selves from the 2 lifetimes I know most about are still in the Summerland and I believe I will reunite with them again someday. Just my take on it after studying the literature, seeing mediums and remembering being here before.