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Discussion in 'member introductions' started by GoldDustWoman622, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. Well, I have tried to write this 100 times so I am just going to speak up , get it out and promise not to talk so much again .
    Like some here I lost my partner of 7 years very suddenly about 3 months ago . He was 53 . He was not with me when he passed but had phoned me and said he did not feel well ,described what was going on and I told him to go to the ER . Now . Not later. Don't take your mom's cat's antibiotics- just go . He had gone to visit his mom which he did once a year because she'd made it clear that because I did not follow her religious beliefs that I was more than bad . Like "not even allowed on her lawn " bad. She has no one but her religious group so he would visit her one time a year- I did not want him to have to pick between his mom or me.

    He was to be coming home the next day and he said OK I will go to the ER IF you promise to stay awake when I get back to moms . I said I promise . I waited and waited ...and waited . I texted, called ,emailed even which I had not done in years . Finally 2 days later I get a call from one of his mother's friends telling me the sherrifs dept found him dead on the floor about 24 hours after he died . Mom finally decided to check on him a day later and found the guest room door locked. I never saw him again . He died there so she took full charge , disregarding his wishes , his sisters wishes and I won't get into OUR wishes . That was not going to happen . Thanks to his sister and some of her friends I was allowed to go to his funeral - graveside only .
    The leader of this religion ( some sort of small offshoot mix of religions it seems) attempted to call me out during the funeral , not cool . Even resorting to calling me outrageous Catholic names ( I am a non practicing Catholic ) , challenging me to get up and be saved or I would never see T again . This was surreal . I have never had anything remotely happen to me like this . It's made the grief worse . I was already dealing with extreme shock .
    I have had to block his mom on my phone . She called many times and I finally answered & it was awful . Very angry that I was the last person he spoke too . More bad extremely dark religious names, finally saying I had imagined the whole relationship .
    At that point I hung up .
    I learned ALOT from that conversation though . More than words . She misses HER husband , T and sisters dad . Commited suicide in 1972 and was going to make sure I suffered as much as her mother in law made her suffer . She did a pretty good job .

    I have been grieving too hard to see but a few signs. We are really perceptive in this house and open . My daughter saw him on the middle of my bed waving at her smiling . My longtime housemate and I saw him again at my bedroom door at the same time . We were reading and he said did you see him and I said I did yes . Housemate asks are you afraid . I said no, but glad I am not seeing things since we are seeing this together. He was see through but not ?? His name comes up constantly on my phones autocorrect so much that I have to text one letter at a time sometimes -on a new phone. Notes too , lots of love notes in books that he'd given me that I've never seen before ( the notes not the books ) I was also left a HUGE catalog of songs about me from him I never knew about that I stumbled across. It's just been super rough.

    At Christmas , my housemate kept saying there is going to be a big change , I can feel it but I don't know what it is . Meanwhile I was getting up close visits from 2 crows together every single day . All of this is gone now . Kinda rattled about the crow thing.

    I am trying to clear my head and quiet myself for a reading with a certified medium here at the end of the month who also teaches at a mainstream college here . She is very similar to Roberta in her thoughts and beliefs but knows nothing of me but my address and my first name . I have not mentioned my sadness because it goes without saying I miss his physical presence. . My thoughts on the after life is that there certainly is one but I am not sure what it is.

    Sorry for the wall of text , people don't want to hear it after the funeral and I have no family besides my daughter & my housemate . I am going to try to live my life to honor him and do what we planned to do but I don't feel any need to"move on " in my mid 50's for whatever reason or there seems to be no need to ? We were just right for each other.
    Strange I am so small from several chronic illnesses and he was the one was so fearful of living without me.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2018
  2. Bill Z

    Bill Z Active Member

    Hi GoldDustWoman and I hope you get comfort, information and a feeling of Peace from this website. You have had incredible experiences that tell you that there is an afterlife. I am sorry about the family problems you had to experience.

    You said: I am going to try to live my life to honor him and do what we planned to do but I don't feel any need to"move on " in my mid 50's for whatever reason or there seems to be no need to ? We were just right for each other.

    I am mid '60's and agree completely as do several other's here. So many people, thinking they are helping, can say the most hurtful things.
    I wish you Peace and someone told me today the greatest gift we will ever have are our memories.
    GoldDustWoman622 and pandora97 like this.
  3. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    What an awful past but what an uplifting and hopeful present - well I hope you're seeing it that way. You'll meet others here who will understand and have their own stories to share. I hope you find that helpful - I think you will.

    welcome to ALF
    GoldDustWoman622 likes this.
  4. Michelle Schill

    Michelle Schill New Member

    I am so so sorry you have gone through this. That was simply cruel. We have many lies told to us throughout out lives. Only you know who you truly are and what others think of you is none your business. I am so happy to hear that your love is reaching out to you and you are noticing his signs! When your grief is less raw and your energy elevates a bit, I have no doubt you will be receiving many many more signs and communications. To be able to pick up on his signs when your grief is this new is truly amazing.
    GoldDustWoman622 likes this.
  5. I am just thankful you all do not think I am crazy . I've been to so many funerals/homegoings etc but I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone . Yes this grief has been horrible and uncontrollable ..much to my chagrin. I'll wake up with my face wet . I am crying in my sleep not even realizing it . That's stopped being everynight . I stayed as we promised each other . That we would stay to the very end and I did . That funeral director helped me , ran mom off and I watched them lower him and I got to put on the first dirt alone with him . I stayed and they let me put the marker on. Before we rolled the lawn up he had me get down over him on the loose dirt and had me place my hands over where is heart/chest was and put my hand prints . He was so sweet , he saw what was going on and was freaked out himself. So in the end I hope I did him right somehow .

    He wanted to be cremated .

    Yes The one note was found on the 1 month date in a book that had fallen on the floor, of flowers and poetry he'd given me ,and I thought how did that get here and it was open to read "For my precious Hen, the most beautiful flower, I love you , Pea . He was a very elegant and sensitive man and I told him once you are not ordinary, you are more like a peacock. He said when he heard that , for once, he felt normal, so thats how Pea and Hen came about . When I first found out about this I screamed so loud and just crazily that all the lights were flickering . I was absolutely tripping out .
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
    Michelle Schill likes this.
  6. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    There are many of us here who are going through similar situations to yours. While of course only you know exactly what this is like for you, to the extent that anyone else can understand, we do. I am sorry for your loss.

    The evil woman who birthed my husband is similar to the one who birthed yours -- different types of evil (different things they are evil about), but she is a horrible person, and it sounds like the one you're dealing with is too. I don't know if there is an afterlife, but if there is, I am sure that your partner is not angry or upset with you in the least about not being cremated. Firstly, he knows it's not your fault, and secondly, I think that sort of thing just becomes less important to them after they leave their bodies.

    You know your love, how he feels about you and how you feel about him. If there is an afterlife, that endures, more than anything else. You are his person, and he is yours, forever. It's good that you have had some signs, and I hope they have brought you comfort.
  7. You are really right Bluebird, thank you . I know it too , that spirit no longer cares so much about that . It really affected how I saw things because he left here seemingly fine and was pretty much never seen again . So I think I felt I had to do something that I knew he wanted out of sheer desperation . It was the weirdest feeling like a carpet had been yanked out from under you .
    The religious thing defies explanation , I think I have told everyone I know about it .
    What he described to me was a VERY bad kidney infection and got sick enough to finally call me and ask me what to do. He was never sick so I knew something was really wrong . We don't have the report back but the FD/EMT's got there and all asked who his cardiologist was , so I am not even sure what happened to him . Yes the signs have been great . I am normally a visitation dreamer only so seeing things/ things way out of place while awake has been really interesting . I am not usually able to do this . Edit : and being here ( this forum ) is very very calming for some reason .
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
  8. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    It's heartening that you're enjoying being here with like-minded ALF members. :)
    GoldDustWoman622 likes this.

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