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Hello all new member :)

Discussion in 'Member Introductions' started by MaGinX3, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. Hey guys I'm Abby and I've been registered to this forum for a few days and got a chance to read various threads; all of which i find very interesting especially so because of the input given by members. Anyhow.

    I came to this forum partly because I need some help and understanding. I will try to make this as concise as possible because i don't want this to turn into a 'dear Debby' letter ;)

    So basically, my problem for the last 4-5 years is I've been going through some very very deep and chronic depression. I remember maybe a year ago I consulted a psychic and what she had to say about me was that I'm like an empty box of matches, my soul is lost, and that my aura is damaged. During that time, and even somewhat up into the present, I do feel so empty, frustrated, and sad. I don't know if this is purely a matter of fixing my serotonin levels or if I need counseling in addition (which I have done) or something else I haven't figured out yet.

    Here's some of the main points about my depression that really set me back and have damaged my otherwise accustomed abilities. I would go for days without saying one word. And I mean this literally. I had zero social interaction probably 85% of the time each year for about 4 years. And even when I did, being around people irked me and gave me more stress, even if they were calm and doing nothing. I'm most definitely more calm and less tense when I am alone.

    During this ample time alone I had to myself, I studied a lot about spirituality and everything it encompasses. Like the meaning of life, our purpose here, perception was a big one for me. Once I understood how I could change my perception to experience this world in greater quality, it temporarily took away my depression. I've always, always been fascinated with death and dying. When my friend died of cancer two years ago (He was 24), I went and bought a Ouija board with a friend and tried to contact him. But I'm aware that there can be impersonating spirits and such so whether or not I actually contacted him that day I'm not really sure. But besides that, I love the universe and I feel a special affinity for it each day. And I can see glimpses of the grandness of reality sometimes and it brings a small jolt of peace to my soul.

    But basically I feel spirituality and depression go hand in hand. And if I hadn't given myself the tools and wisdom to myself to bring about some healing, I would surely not be where I am today. This depression has brought me to my knees and has asked everything of me to stay afloat. And without the proper thoughts and practices, I would've been doomed. But now I am emotionally worn. I feel very desensitized but I know that's only in the context of if I need to express emotions. I know in my heart I carry an abundance of love and love guides me through everything.

    I was reading about how certain events and situations in our lives before we come to earth are preplanned by ourselves, and I feel like right now I have been long diverted from my path. There is this fear that grips me so tightly sometimes that it makes me choke on my own words, as if I'm cutting myself off from speaking.

    Ultimately, I'm experiencing a lot of confusion. In the former more prominent times of my depression, I'd wake up feeling disorientated. Wondering what I'm doing, why I'm here and alive. Nothing made sense to me, and I truly felt like a lost soul never to find my way back to this reality. I have this deep love for living life and enjoying it, but at the same time I feel so fragile and unable to adapt anymore. I worked so hard to not give up and be mindful of this just being a human experience and to not take it so seriously. That helps the depression somewhat. But I'm still stuck, and if and when the next phase of my life comes it will be like a rebirth, and when I'm strong enough I'll know exactly how to live life.

    Going back for a moment, I did experience some hardships between school and home and not telling anyone about how I was feeling. I got bullied and it wasn't until high school, that one day this strange feeling started to creep over me and before I knew it I wanted nothing to do with the friends I had there. I just wanted to be alone.

    In the past I've always had a lot of friends and it was very easy to make them. I'm outgoing and can make just about anyone laugh. I'm very animated and expressive and so it really breaks my heart even more to see how I've sucked myself dry of all these things because of my battle with depression. I put every ounce of energy I had into making myself feel better because I was always told it's just in my head. I had days where I literally had to lay down or sleep for a bit because my energy was so parched, and I hadn't done anything that needed physical exertion.

    My life right now is something I don't understand. I don't understand why I've allowed this persona to take the lead. And I feel I have no options left and it's been too much emotional pain.

    Well, I hope I didn't leave anything out, and this was a bit longer than I was expecting it to be but, I'm sure you guys won't mind.

    So please, any advice or insight you guys can give me would mean the world. Thank you so much.

    With love,

  2. You sound a lot like me. I hope I can help here.

    I also have major depression, along with suffering from OCD. I would like to know if you have OCD as well, as this can drastically increase the baggage that you carry around.

    I'm back on prozac now, as this treats both depression and OCD. It's helping, and I am on a waiting list for counselling. I come to this forum to find counselling and help others.

    I felt the same way too, that I have greatly deviated from my life plan with no hope of getting back on track. What I can suggest is that you talk with Roberta about this. I sent her some private messages, explaining in detail all of my problems over the many years that have brought me to feeling the strong mixture of love and anger. She feels that I could have planned all of my problems, and it's possible that you did too.

    If you want to privately message me, feel free. Aside from a few differences (for example, you being outgoing and I'm an introvert for the most part), our emotional situations are very similar.
  3. ravensgate

    ravensgate Regular Contributor

    MaGinX3, I too suffer from depression; mine has been an on-and-off kind of thing. Presently it is deep and strong, seems like I go just through the motion. I feel rather empty inside; it's like a dark cloud constantly hovering over my head. I sometimes get mad at myself, telling myself I really have nothing to complain about, and that I should stop this self-indulgence, but it doesn't help. My battle with depression started when I was barely a teenager; there were days I did not want to get up. A major bout with depression happened when I was in my twenties, followed by panic attacks; went to counseling and found Cognitive therapy to help me the most. I'm already taking enough pills as it is, but I wish I could just break free from it.
    I am glad you joined this forum; I too spent weeks just reading posts and finally decided to join, just days ago. This forum seems to be filled with caring people who do give a hoot about others. Welcome! :)
  4. Thanks you guys for replying so quickly, it gave a little uplift :) when I think of depression though, I try to think about it in spiritual terms. Because a lack of a certain chemical could've been caused by the mind's powerful reaction to something traumatic. And it's like the flow of energy inside of us is interrupted. Because when you are relaxed you feel more fluid and natural. I feel like depression is a state of consciousness that is held together by unresolved emotions and disturbances. I have broken past my depression before and that gave me some good insight into the nature of it.

    WWELover - yes it would be great to talk and share our experiences and feelings. maybe we can draw some parallels to one another and make better sense of things. I also was planning on messaging Roberta when I signed up so i will at some point.

    I'm currently taking zoloft and wellbutrin plus .5mg of ativan for the anxiety. But the more I look at my depression and stop the self-blame, guilt, and anger, I come to a more peaceful place and realize i will have to break down it's substance. It's just a pain because it makes life much harder to live than needed.

    ravensgate - Yea anxiety was a huge one for me. When i would sleep at night my body would go into pretty drastic spasms. I felt so stiff all the time and the smallest things scared the crap outta me. The world felt like a mine field and every step I took I was aware of, just soo self-aware of every little thing I did, even the most insignificant things, I analyzed. I don't know if that would be considered OCD but it does come close.

    But thanks guys again... I really need help and I don't want to live this way anymore, it just doesnt seem fair.

    Much love to both of you.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2012
  5. I know that Zoloft is an antidepressant. I'm not familiar with wellbutrin though.

    OCD and anxiety are related. If you are on ativan and encounter these issues with small things scaring you, it sounds like you do suffer from OCD. I have it to, and both the depression and OCD/anxiety are very strong.

    Feel free to privately message me, and Roberta too.
  6. wellbutrin is an NDRI norapinephrine dopamine reuptake inhibitor, it's supplemental to the zoloft. But i never knew being scared of small things could be an indication of OCD. I think the meds I'm on target that problem too. I've been on so many different meds, maybe ten or twenty, throughout the past couple years and no luck. I will be honest and say I got desperate to feel 'ok' and took drugs that would boost my mood. Now I'm afraid that it will take longer for the medicine to be able to do it's job. My doctors told me it will take a year at least for them to work when you've done some drug use. I hope i didnt screw myself over, but it was just too much to bear. Luckily now i wont go near it and dont ever think about it..
  7. I don't know if prozac would help you. It might, and it's something you could mention to your doctor. It fights both depression and OCD. I don't know how drug use affects the time frame for it to work, but normally the pills take 3 weeks to kick in. And then there is the task of finding the right dosage (I take 60 mg a day).

    Counselling could also be an option. I've never done cognitive therapy, but I hear it can help with OCD. And it really sounds to me like you have it. It's actually not that uncommon of a disorder, and can affect you in a multitude of ways.
  8. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Dear wonderful friends, I feel like an intruder in your thread. Please forgive me if I don't "get it" and therefore say stupid things, but since I never have been depressed I have trouble understanding depression. Although I do try! My husband gets depressed. I have friends who get depressed. But I have a kind of basic joy-thing going on that makes it hard for me to empathize with them. Here is what I think, having just read your wonderfully thoughtful words to one another (again, please forgive me if I am being stupid!):

    1) Depression seems sometimes to be a sign that you are off-track. That is a great insight, dear MaGinX3! If you feel emotionally rudderless and hopeless, if you feel restless and trapped, or if you just have an edgy sense that things are not right, then you may simply need to reconnect with your guides and get your life-plan back on track.

    2) Some cases of depression may have biochemical roots. It is not clear, though, whether biochemistry that is out of whack is in fact the chicken or the egg. Is it faulty biochemistry that leads to depression, or is it instead depression that negatively alters your biochemistry?

    3) Some cases of depression may be caused by spirit possession. A confused, frightened, angry or depressed dead earthbound might be attracted to you, and under certain conditions might be able to attach itself to you. Thank you, dear MaGinX3, for your mention that a psychic thought that you had a damaged aura, since that could make spirit possession easier. And most of those who are harboring dead spirits are not even aware of them, but instead they feel the possessing spirits’ negative emotions as if they were their own.

    4) Becoming a little depressed because of the vicissitudes of life is normal. You can feel frustrated or blocked or worried about money or troubled by something a friend did to you or otherwise have your inner peace disrupted – these things happen to everyone! And being “down” about something specific might be able to feed upon itself and lead to more generalized and longer-term feelings of malaise which amount to real depression. None of us is immune from life.

    I think that at its base depression may be a crisis of the spirit. As you say, dear MaGenX3, depression and spirituality go hand in hand! Those that I have known who have been often depressed have not been well connected spiritually, while I attribute my always-elevated mindset to the fact that from childhood I have been certain that God is real and life is eternal and there is nothing anywhere in reality that can harm me. As A Course in Miracles says, “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the peace of God.”

    If I am right about this – and I may well not be! – then the only sure way to overcome depression is to study the afterlife evidence until you are certain about what is true, learn to meditate and pray, and in general develop yourself spiritually. There is nothing in reality to depress us, dear friends! Underneath are always the Everlasting Arms.
  9. Remember that you had brought to my attention that you thought my issues are quite possibly life-planned. This could be true for our new member as well. I don't know for sure what has happened, but I think depression and OCD can be linked to one's life plan.

    If a person's depression and OCD caused that person to go way off their life plan, this can lead to the depression becoming worse. And without adequate coping resources, a feeling of never being able to get back on track is possible. And that is where suicide comes into play - thinking that, even if you might plan your next life to be even worse - who gives a sh*t? This life will not be able to get back on track; it is damaged beyond repair. So wipe the slate clean right now and begin anew, and maybe even plan a somewhat easier life the next time around although still getting to learn what you want to or need to.

    I'm sorry if my response sounds blunt, but this is the kind of thing that can go through your head when you have these thoughts. It's not rational to you, but there's nothing rational about depression and OCD. And the OCD can cause weird, disturbing thoughts that you wouldn't even want to consider in your worst nightmares.
  10. Highlander

    Highlander Active Member

    Welcome MaGinX and hi to ravensgate, WWE LOVER and Roberta,

    I think that we who are spiritual are by definition sensitive, overly aware and obsessive thinkers. Thinking can lead to brooding which may turn into depression if not caught in time and allowed to fester. I too suffered from situational depression several years ago. It was difficult dealing with nasty thoughts as if I was a cow regurgitating my mental cud. My doctor perscribed zoloft, which made matters worse to the point that I began feeling suicidal. The zoloft also made me feel dull, dimwitted and as if I'd lost some IQ points. I dropped the chemicals and the doctor.
    What pulled me out was a combination of exercise, herbs, yoga, meditation, time and a wife who is most certainly a saint.

    I believe happiness is more than an absence of suffering. We eternal beings deserve better than we sometimes allow ourselves to feel.

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