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Good Grief

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussions' started by jimrich, Mar 10, 2016.

  1. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Dear Visitor/seekers:
    I am posting this here because there seems to be no other place to leave it.

    IMO, Grief is the single most difficult and troublesome issue in most societies and especially in the USA where many of us were never adequately taught how to process our grief when a love one (or pet) dies or leaves us. We are taught to tough it out, keep smiling, don't feel that way, you're a baby and all sorts of messages that are saying: STOP THAT - YOU'RE BOTHERING EVERYONE! What these 'bothered' folks are really saying is that your grief and tears might TRIGGER the painful, touchy feelings inside of them that they are desperately trying to hold down and DENY and then they, like you, might also start weeping and raging too and that would be just too embarrassing and shameful for them.

    Grief is a very tricky process to work through and many books and videos, etc. have been dedicated to explaining grief and showing folks how to process it in safe and successful ways. Here's just one source of Grief information: http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/381351490436

    Rather than go into this subject more deeply right now, I have posted a piece about Grief over here so look it up if you want to understand Grief and how to handle it in your self or others.
    http://afterlifeforums.com/entry.php?241-Good-Grief

    It may surprise you to learn that being angry with a departed love one, as well as sad, is both normal and OK as demonstrated in this remarkable video that had me weeping as well! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ntH0fEKXco

    Dear Seeker: This video might help you a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YumDBDWzyh8
    and the link can connect you with a lot of other beneficial videos and links. good luck.

    Here's a book that might resolve many if not most of your grief issues, try it: http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_fro...book+II.TRS0&_nkw=emmanuel's+book+II&_sacat=0
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2016
  2. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

  3. Nirvana

    Nirvana Member

    Great post Jim, and I totally agree with all of it

    Grief is my single biggest problem by far, but it's not necessarily related to a dead loved one
     
  4. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Last edited: Mar 15, 2016
  5. Nirvana

    Nirvana Member

    Not getting what I wanted, basically

    Life did not live up to my specific ideal. Not even close.
     
  6. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Dear Seekers:
    I am not some expert on grieve and have not studied current grief systems but I can say what I did to at least tone down my deep and relentless grief from early childhood on.
    I always was known as a "nice guy" but I could get very moody, depressed and sometimes blow my top so, at about 48 I finally crashed and went for help. At support groups, I came face to face with the ocean of bottled up, repressed and DENIED grief or damaged feelings that had somehow stayed hidden within me since about age 5. The story of my very dysfunctional family is long and complicated but it turned out that most of my hidden anger, sorrow, fear and repressed love feelings were a byproduct of very bad parenting (Parents, please do not take this personally) which might have seemed quite normal and acceptable back then (1940s -1950s). There was no such thing as child protective services in those days so, the few relatives who could see that us kids were being traumatized by our parents did not DARE confront our menacing dad and spineless mom on our behalf.

    In group therapy, I learned to identify my damaged feelings and their source from my family and then was taught how to work through that sea of bottled up grief. As far as I can see, any and all unhappy or painful feelings, regardless of their source, can be handled in the same way in grief recovery. I even attended a grief recovery workshop where all of the other members were there to work through their feelings of sadness, emptiness, depression and unhappiness over the loss of a loved one while I was there to work through my feelings of rage, anger, resentment and sadness over the abuses and negligence of my parents. It was a little touchy because while most of them wanted to weep, moan and feel sorry about their losses, I wanted to rage, curse and complain about mine.

    But the bottom line was: how to accept the feelings we all had and how to safely express or vent those feelings so they don't hang around inside of us and cause problems in our lives. The sad and sorry folks had to allow their feels to surface, face them and find a way to let them go or be vented. I had to allow and face what seemed like an ocean of feelings of anger, bitterness and sorrow and then find ways to let that go or be vented. Many of the sad ones resented my 'attitude' but we were all in the same boat - how to accept and then let go of or vent our feelings in safe ways so we could live free those troubled feelings from now on.

    The sad ones needed to do a lot of talking about their feelings, weep a lot, maybe contact their departed loved ones, express their feelings in safe ways (no suicides!) and slowly get back to normal. I, the angry one, had to talk about my feelings A LOT, weep a lot, rage a lot, write hateful messages in journals (which were never sent), and even contact those I was mad at (which I did!), express my feelings in safe ways and slowly get back to normal. So, even though it seemed that the sad ones and the angry one were in different places and on different roads, the goal was the same for all of us - to get back to a normal, happy life by venting the troubled feelings that were inside of us.

    In many ways, we were all 'damaged' but just in different ways. Those who are sad and unhappy about a loss are just as injured as those who are sad and ANGRY about abuse and neglect and, IMO, need pretty much the same solution - releasing the feelings that are weighing them down and ruining their lives.

    I did my grief work by talking and talking about how I felt then and now, hitting things (but not others), raging at my parents (but not others), writing hate mail, throwing things, screaming and cursing into a tape recorder, going to lots and lots of meetings and just about anything that I could do to vent and allow my bottled up, damaged feelings to flow or pour out of me and in the direction of those who had harmed me but NOT onto or at innocent bystanders! The grief work I learned insisted that I direct my anger, sorrow, complaints and even love towards the ones that deserved my feelings but NEVER at those who did not deserve to be attacked or punished by me. So, I mentally pasted my dad's face on a stuffed chair and totally beat him (the chair) up in a violent RAGE. It felt very good to finally get some justice and let my inner child blast his rotten face off. But I was stunned to discover that, upon beating him to a pulp, I broke down in a fit of sorrow and expressions of tearful LOVE for my beloved DADDY - a love that had been there for the first 4-5 years of my life and then had been nearly killed by his and my mom's lousy behavior. I really did love and respect both of them until they, not me, forced my love, through dreadful fear of them, to go into hiding for the next 40 YEARS! When I realized, in therapy, that I no longer had to FEAR them, I went the totally opposite way by seriously wanting to beat both of them to a bloody pulp!

    It took a lot of grief work for me to get beyond my desire to take revenge against my parents (parents, please don't take this personally) and I still have to do some grief work in that area but it has helped a lot to find and release as much of my backed up, damaged feelings as possible.

    Widowers and others who have suffered losses may not have to do very much grief work but I believe that abused/neglected folks will be doing grief work for a very long time and maybe for their whole life to vent the severely damaged feelings inside of them. But who knows, perhaps these damaged feelings can be neutralized or eliminated by some special spiritual occurrence (grace) such as what happened to Eckhart Tolle and a few other 'sages'? Well, lets hope so...........
    Thanks for letting me share.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2016
  7. Ted'sRed

    Ted'sRed New Member

    JimRich, thank you so much for sharing your story and giving us a glimpse of what you went through on your grief recovery journey. Your strength and determination are very inspiring, and the tools and resources you’ve provided are invaluable.

    You’re right – our society doesn’t give us the proper tools to process grief, which is a shame. I can tell that my loss definitely makes people uncomfortable, which then makes me uncomfortable. Even some of my close family members don’t know how to act or what to say around me – and at work, it’s like he never existed and/or it never happened. To add insult to injury, I get three days of bereavement leave per year, which were used when my mother passed away a month before my husband. What about all of those prior years that I (thankfully) didn’t need to use my bereavement leave? It just shouldn’t be this way.

    I’m so sorry that your childhood was so horrid and that it scarred you so badly. Nobody deserves to go through that hell, especially innocent children.

    I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to put your very personal, touching, and educational experiences in writing, and I hope that you are proud of what you’ve accomplished (you should be!). It’s very impressive, to say the least. You’re a rock star, and your enthusiasm is contagious!

    Keep on keeping on, my friend!
     
  8. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Triggered feelings

    Dear Ted'sRed: Thank you for your support and encouragement here.

    I suppose that you, like me, have noticed that they want to shut you up so you will not trigger their own deeply buried and DENIED, painful feelings from past emotional traumas of various kinds.
    Maybe this goes back to the days when folks were supposed to be long suffering and stoic so as not to burden other sufferers with their pains and issues and that might have been a good policy back in per-historic times when life was very, very harsh and painful. I often admired those tough and courageous frontiers folks who could carry around a bullet until some country doctor took it out with a kitchen knife and also guys like Tarzan who could handle horrendous abuse and torture without 'breaking' but I wonder if there were times when even tough guys (secretly) let themselves weep and rage over emotional pain (?).
    For me, the blessing of going to 12 step support groups to do my grief work was because my then wife and so-called friends did not want to hear it or would throw up blocks and arguments regarding my emerging feelings so I had to get away from them - a non-supportive group - and go find a 12 step support group of strangers who were also doing their own grief/recovery work. It blew my mind when I began to notice that my then wife and many of my then friends were simply hiding from their own inner pain and resented or feared what I was discovering at support groups. I never would have made it without the help, education and support of the 12 step groups that I attended for so long. I even ran into a few non-supportive professional therapists!!
    OMG, so sorry that you suffered a double dose of grief and loss! No, it shouldn't be that way but our society is not likely to change it's attitudes about grief any time soon, IMO.
    Thanks. I'm hoping to find some reasonable, spiritual explanation for what happened in my family and what happened to others like Adolf Hitler who had such a rotten childhood that he took revenge on the entire world as a consequence (read some Alice Miller books about Hitler). My current theory is that everything that happens in life, good or bad, is for a useful and beneficial DIVINE purpose but I don't currently know what that is. Many spirit entities, like Emmanuel, speak of this Divine purpose so maybe that's a good way to find it. Emmanuel is very clear about why we are here and what it is all about but I won't quote Emmanuel just yet.
    Again, thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
    If my actual experience (not my beliefs, assumptions or guesses) could help someone, it would please me greatly just as the experiences and first hand knowledge of strangers at sharing meetings helped and SAVED me years ago. There is nothing so powerful as a first hand account (like yours) about one's actual life which is what happens at most sharing meetings where folks just tell their truths and share how they are recovering from their pain and troublesome issues.
    I see the same power and reality in your stories as well so, thank you and bless you, dear friend,
    jim :)
     
  9. Ted'sRed

    Ted'sRed New Member

    Very true, JimRich – it seems like people are worried about me triggering their deep-seated fears, and are incapable of setting them aside and showing any care or concern about what I’m going through. I’ve always been that person who tried to imagine, and have compassion for, what someone who has suffered a loss might be feeling (without smothering them), but it seems like I’m in the minority. For now, I’ve given up on trying to figure out the people in my world. I just don’t have the time or the energy.

    It is a shame that we sometimes can’t depend on those closest to us to us help us with our healing. We should be able to count on those people the most! You are showing the world that self-recovery is very possible, though, if one is determined and dedicated enough. Kudos to you!

    Yes, the bereavement time was a joke. It’s not that I necessarily “needed” it financially, it’s just that something that was touted as a “benefit” accomplished nothing other than adding insult to injury. Why bother? Frankly, my interpretation of it was that I should be able to resume my normal duties three days after my loss/es, so the entire lives of my loved ones were essentially valued at 24 hours worth of work. Disgusting.

    I, too, am hoping to find a spiritual meaning to everything that’s happened in my life. I didn’t endure the horrible suffering that you did as a child (that, understandably, carried over into adulthood – I’m so sorry!), but it’s very hard to wrap my head around there being any value to such extreme suffering.

    My mother endured horrible abuse from her mother throughout her childhood, and I can vouch for the fact that she carried those scars with her for life. She didn’t perpetuate the cycle of abuse (which I’m so proud of her for), but she was very emotionally unstable. I parented her more (emotionally) than she did me, but I don’t fault her for that. She did just fine with making sure that I was fed, clothed and cared for. I, too, would like to believe that everything we endure does have a spiritual, meaningful purpose, but it would be nice to know what that purpose is. It’s really hard to fathom that what Hitler did (abused child, or not) was part of a divine plan, but I’ve read that that’s the case. I don’t think I’m ready to take that on yet. I’m also not familiar with Emmanuel, but I will be looking him up shortly!

    I agree – first-hand accounts are very valuable, and I’m so glad that you’ve shared (some of) yours with us. As painful as they are to read/imagine, the way you’ve managed to triumph in spite of them has been very helpful and inspirational!

    Thank you for your kind words, as well. Although I’m enjoying speaking my truth, I have never done it in such a public forum. It’s almost like I’ve opened a pressure relief valve – I am feeling so much better (although still very vulnerable) since I started spilling my guts. Ahhh.

    Sharing is caring, right? Even though I’m probably benefiting from this release just as much, if not more than, those who might be reading my spillage, I’m still hoping that it’ll be a win-win in the end. It seems that we are on the same page in that regard. There’s power in numbers, right?

    May peace continue to be with you, my friend!
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2016
  10. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Defenses

    Folks learn at a very early age how to DEFEND them self and it becomes both automatic and necessary (in their minds) so letting go of those defenses to let in new and threatening information is nearly impossible for most of us UNLESS we begin to examine and understand our automatic responses and defenses that have never been questioned (until therapy!). You may have had some kind of compassionate, empathetic upbringing or are a natural 'empath' which allows you to accept the realities of others. I was taught that if I can understand myself, understanding others is a piece of cake but even that took a lot of work and undoing many things I was taught and came to believe as a child. I did not ever DARE to question my parents or older folks and kids! Therapy taught me to question EVERYTHING!


    They would have to first of all question their own beliefs, motives, actions and NEEDS but very few ever find it necessary and fewer still ever do anything about it once they see that they are like mindless robots just automatically obeying inner impulses and 'scripts' that started at home.
    Well that's the underlying, heartless corporate agenda - profits and productivity above all else! It's pretty much what drove the Nazis to get where they got before the rest of the world stopped them. LOL, who or what is ever going to stop corporate America????
    IMO, Emmanuel http://emmanuelandfriends.org/ and a few other 'channeled entities' does a very good job of explaining things. From their perspective, it all makes sense to me even if I don't like some of their answers. Give it a try.


    Sharing stories and troubled feelings in public can be both frightening and dangerous, but, soon after I sat through a few painfully honest sessions that one can rarely find outside of those meetings, I began spilling my guts perhaps a little too much but it sure felt good to expose some of my most sensitive, heavy and DARK secrets to perfect strangers! What a relief to finally say out loud what I had spent so many years holding down - like trying to hold a basket ball under water! - and defending/protecting least someone find my horrible secrets! Whew, they say we are only as sick as our SECRETS and, IMO, 99.9% of humanity is sitting on some very dark and painful secrets - mostly from childhood.

    LOL, sharing MIGHT be caring or it could be just another stunt to get attention. Any behavior or belief can be either healthy or unhealthy and sometimes a little of both! Honesty is the only thing that can help us avoid unhealthy actions. Yes, I think that we are on the same page here so, let's try to stay with good will and be as positive as possible.
    May peace continue to be with you, my friend!
    jim :)
     
  11. zvumdzeq

    zvumdzeq Banned

    jimrich your posts are sooooo thorough I love reading them!!
     
  12. zvumdzeq

    zvumdzeq Banned

    Sharing is caring just ask the care bears! Good points Ted'sRed
     
  13. ShingingLight1967

    ShingingLight1967 Active Member

    This is really an interesting concept, and something that I have grappled with for the past 3 months. I have been viciously angry with my husband for various reasons. Not taking better care of himself, not heading the signs that he had that he was in trouble MONTHS prior to the massive heart attack, for leaving me in a financial bind that I am left sorting through, for just leaving me.

    My counselor has said that it is OK for me to be angry, but I have always thought that being angry and telling him how angry at him I am and telling him that I dont want him to be around actually drove him away and I would not receive communications from him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2016
  14. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Anger work

    Hi: Check out how this Counselor helps a woman open to and RELEASE her anger. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ntH0fEKXco I hope your counselor is helping you do your anger work and finding relief from the burden of having to hold anger inside of you - like keeping a basket ball under water - until it finally EXPLODES without warning. Holding in uncomfortable feelings of any kind: anger, sorrow, joy, resentment, etc. is both dangerous and is the cause of many if not all illness but society tells us to hide our feelings, for some strange reason!
    Good luck with your grief/anger work,
    jim :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2016
  15. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    I'm sure your husband loves you and understands your anger, and keeps loving you anyway. You probably had at least a couple of disagreements when he was alive, right? Stuff that pissed you off? He didn't stop loving you then because you were angry at him, and he wouldn't stop loving you now, or not communicate with you because of it. ((((((((Hugs))))))))
     
  16. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Dear Bluebird, when it comes to comforting widows, you are our ambassador of love and truth ;-).
     
  17. Ted'sRed

    Ted'sRed New Member

    Yet, he's shown you that you thought wrong! Listen to and follow your love. It holds more power than you could have ever imagined!
     
  18. lybg

    lybg New Member

    11 months

    Yesterday was 11 months since my love past over to the other side. He had been sending signs pretty regularly; however, those have been getting fewer and fewer in the last several weeks. I have been feeling pretty bummed the last several days...really missing him and feeling disconnected. This afternoon, on the way out of my office building, he was on my mind (of course) and all of a sudden this vision popped into my mind. Not a memory, because this was nothing we had ever experienced before; however, it fit perfectly with his jokester personality. At the moment it registered I was being visited, the warmth and envelopment of a hug came over me again. What a gift! I thanked him for the goofy, fun vision (with love in my heart and a huge smile on my face) and told him I loved him. It was a wonderful affirmation of his love and a great way to end a hard week.
     
  19. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    Dear lybg:
    :) Beautiful report! :) Please send in some more of these.........:)
    yours, jim
     
  20. Eternal

    Eternal New Member

    A Lovely gift! thanks for sharing....
     

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