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Discussion in 'Spiritual Growth & Development' started by Litsa, Jun 4, 2017.

  1. Litsa

    Litsa New Member

    Hi All,

    I am a new member. I have read Roberta's "The Fun of Dying" and "Liberating Jesus"

    Both books were beautiful and eye opening for my own Spiritual Growth.

    However, I have a questions about Spirtual Growth and Friendship. By nature I am a very compassionate person.

    A few years back I befriend a man who is 20 years my senior.

    Back in the day he used to play flamenco guitar and being that I play I thought it would be nice to have just a platonic friendship with him.

    I have Asperger's syndrome and do not know how to flirt and believe me have never showed any interest in that way towards him.

    I will get to the point, his behavior is scaring me...If I don't answer my phone he will come knocking on my door? Or he will leave me a voice mail asking if I am avoiding him or hiding from him.

    He has asked me once if I would like him as a boyfriend. I answered, no, and if I ever gave him that intention, I apologize.

    My problem, I no longer want to friend him because we really don't have anything in common and guess what, I feel GUITY???

    I know that we are to love perfectly and forgive perfectly. I don't wish anything bad on him, but, I stay friends with him out of guilt and I am sure that is not a good reason to friend him.

    I am I wrong for wanting to tell him I no longer what his friendship? Will this lower my spiritual vibration if I do cut ties with him.

    Thank you,
  2. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    From what you have said, it seems to me that you are being stalked by this man. You are under no obligation to get into a romantic/sexual relationship with him, and if he were truly a mature adult he would not be behaving as he is, and would instead understand that you want only friendship and would be ok with things being that way.

    I don't think you are wrong for no longer wanting to be friends with him; I think you are protecting yourself from a person who could become dangerous, and that is absolutely your right. I think you would be doing the right thing by cutting off the friendship. I would suggest that if you feel the need to communicate with him to tell him you are ending the friendship, you do so via e-mail or phone, and not in person, in case he would become violent.

    Don't worry about your "spiritual vibration", worry about your life and living it as you choose. As far as "spiritual vibration" goes, though, I don't think that cutting off your friendship with this man would "lower your vibration" (if that's even a real thing), because you would not be doing it out of hatred or anger or petulance, but out of self-preservation.

    Good luck.
  3. Litsa

    Litsa New Member

    Thank you, bluebird.

    Truthfully, I wish him nothing but the best. Right now, my Mom is in hospice in take and dying of pancreatic cancer. When he called, I truthfully did not want to talk to him. I actually emailed him just now and told him that the reason I had not kept in touch with him was because of my beloved Mom.

    I told him that I need time and if he tries to text, email or call me, I will not answer.

    You are not the first person that has told me that he sounds like he is stalking me. I do think he is harmless, but, none the less his behavior makes me feel uncomfortable.

    This makes me ask more questions about loving unconditionally.

    I got myself in this hole mess because I was only trying to be kind. I remember reading an article about this gal who claimed because she was so nice (southern hospitality) she gave people the wrong impression and actually had to deal with 5 stalkers in her life.

    Those people she tried to be kind too, took her kindness the wrong way....

    So, what does Jesus say about this?? Are we not to befriend someone because they might end up becoming a potiential stalkers?

    All this stress I am feeling and having my poor Mom in a hospice intake high on morphine and knowing the end is near is making me feel horrible...

    Thanks again,
  4. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. If her situation is terminal, I hope she passes peacefully.

    It's completely understandable that your focus would be with your Mom, and not with this man. Bear in mind, though, that even if you were not dealing with the situation of a very sick parent, you would still not be under any obligation to continue a friendship with this man if you decided not to. I'm not saying that under normal circumstances a person should just cease communicating with a friend for no reason, but in this case he is exhibiting stalker behavior, and is not respecting the terms of the friendship as you wish them to be, even though you have made it clear that you only want to be friends. I hope he is harmless, but many stalkers are not, so please don't fall into the trap of being a "nice girl" and letting him get away with anything just so that you don't make waves.

    As far as loving unconditionally -- I think we should love our loved ones unconditionally. Spouse/partner, siblings, parents, close friends -- yes, love them unconditionally. As far as everyone else, I'd say do your best to treat them with kindness and compassion (the "golden rule" -- treat others as you wish to be treated), unless/until they give you reason not to, and even then try to be understanding if possible. But I'm not so sure we need to love everyone unconditionally -- we don't know most people well enough to love them at all, really, beyond a sort of general caring-for-humanity kind of way.

    I can't tell you what Jesus would say about this, and I don't think anyone else can either, at least not with any real surety. I do think that Jesus was a good and loving person, and in general would say "love your brother/sister as yourself", but even Jesus got pissed off when it was warrented, as when he flipped over the moneylenders tables in the temple (assuming that the biblical story actually occurred, which is a different conversation). I think it's good to befriend those whom you wish to befriend, but it's also good to know when it may be time to end a friendship, and to then actually end it.

    Again, I am sorry about your Mom's ill health. Whatever ends up happening with this guy friend, for now I think you are right to put your energy and time and love towards your mother. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
    Widdershins3 likes this.
  5. Litsa

    Litsa New Member

    Thank you Bluebird.

    Your kind words have really helped me.

    My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 1 1/2 year ago. I cared give for both of my Parent's for eight years. More so for my Mom and helped my Dad care for her. Then 3 years ago my Dad unexpectedly died of a hemoraphig stroke.

    I took care of my Mom from then on until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I wanted to take care of her but Hospice convinced me too put her in a senior assisted living. It broke my heart, but, I had to do what I thought was best for my Mom. I did place her in a good place.

    She was actually doing great. No, pain, and had developed some friends and loved the lady who owned the assisted living. But two months ago the assisted living placed was bought out and the new owners were horrible. The dropped my Mom and she was never the same.

    Hospice allowed me 5 day respite care to find a good another assistant living facility. Instead, my Mom has now took a turn for the worst and the doctors gave her only 5 days to live and told me not take her out of intake as it would not be long.

    That was a month ago. She comes close to passing but hangs on enough to still be alive. She can't eat and drink much anymore and has dwindled to nothing. If she does pass in a couple of days, I will have to transport her too an assistant living place because Hospice Intake is too expensive to keep her there...

    I am so heartbroken. My Mom's my best friend and what is really weird is she is not afraid to die. She never has been as she had a near death experience in her younger years. She told the Hospice Chaplain a year ago that any time God calls her home she is ready.

    Some of my family members told me she is hanging on for me as I was the problem kid who had learning problems and aspergers syndrome. But, I keep telling her that she can leave and I will be alright. When she wasn't on the morphine she actually told me she saw my Dad.

    I asked how he looked...She said YOUNG and Handsome...This reminds me of what Roberta's book claimed that we all go back looking young and beautiful. I asked her what Dad was saying to her because she actually was gazing like she saw someone. She replied, "he told me everything is okay and I will be alright"....Then she said he is telling me "your the best"....That brought tears to my eyes....

    Since heavy morphine she does not see the visitations anymore....Actually what Roberta says in "The Fun of Dying"

    Anyhow, thanks for your wonderful advise and I feel less guilty and better for the choice of not keeping in touch with my male friend...

    Widdershins3 likes this.
  6. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    You're very welcome; I'm glad I was able to provide a bit of help.

    You've had a very difficult few years, as has your mother. I hope you are able to spend whatever time she has left together, with love and peace. If you can, try to remember to take care of yourself, too -- eat well if you can, sleep if you can, spend time with a pet or a friend or whatever helps you. At least you know that your Mom isn't afraid to die; hopefully that eases things a little for both of you. It's wonderful that she saw your Dad, too.

    I'm glad you are feeling better about your choice to not keep in touch with your male friend. It truly does sound to me as though that is the right choice.
  7. Litsa

    Litsa New Member

    I will continue to post on this awesome forum and hopefully to grow more spiritually!

    One thing I am looking forward to is the After Life Research and Education Symposium that will be happening September 15-17 in Scottsdale AZ

    I am thrilled and can't wait to hear Roberta the rest of the Afterlife Experts speak. I am looking forward to hear the "good news" of a beautiful Afterlife.

    Thanks again,
  8. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    What you wrote here has taken me back to the memory of what happened shortly before Irene crossed over. The doctors had changed Irene's drugs to reduce any hip/leg pain and she was in very good "spirits" that night as we sat quietly watching TV in her hospital room. Then Irene softly said "shhhhhh!" to me and while pointing in the direction of her feet, she said, "She is here, right there. (I of coursed did not see anything) She is pulling back (or down) the curtain (or veil) now." Well, since Irene was a very gifted Medium, I didn't know if she was giving a reading, hallucinating or it was the new drugs but I did not push her to explain what she was "seeing".
    Now, I believe she was seeing her mother coming to pull away the veil between the Earth plane and the Afterlife plane to take Irene over into the Afterlife and by the next morning, Irene was "gone"! Irene's body died a few hours later but I now realize that Irene was taken over to the Afterlife that night after I went home to sleep. I had been sleeping next to Irene in a chair at the hospital but she seemed so happy, relaxed and OK that last night that I decided to go home and leave things in the hands of the staff. Something went very wrong that night but I've never been able to get anyone to tell me the TRUTH so I am left with having to believe that I was meant to go away so Irene's mother could come for her that night. (This really hurts to write about!)
    The easy answer is that I just imagined all of this but it really did happen and I am satisfied that it was meant to happen as it did.
    Widdershins3 likes this.
  9. Widdershins3

    Widdershins3 Active Member

    Just remembered this forum and recognized your member name, Litsa. The greater "connectedness" of our era brings with it real blessings and real problems. If you're a naturally warm, friendly person, it's not hard to attract people to you who will try to draw from you what they need, whether that causes you problems or not. I've had to deal with my share of them too, so you have my complete sympathy.

    Stalkers are part of a particularly dangerous "dance" in relationships that I'm wary of too. I had a close friend many years ago who had a stalker and she ended up marrying him (!) and, in the process, changing out of all recognition. It was scary as heck to watch, but in my attempt to understand what had happened to her, I ended up growing in a lot of ways. Eventually, I deliberately, mindfully cut off contact with her, since she'd become passive/aggressive toward me and was making very hurtful "joking" comments about what kind of a mother I'd been. It hurt to end the friendship, because she'd been close to my son when he was alive, but the whole mess made me more aware that the people with whom we interact may have hidden but quite severe problems. And that's not on us. But it was a hard lesson.
  10. mac

    mac regular contributor Staff Member

    quote: "...but the whole mess made me more aware that the people with whom we interact may have hidden but quite severe problems. And that's not on us."

    amen to that!
  11. Litsa

    Litsa New Member

    Again, thanks to everyone for the good advise....

  12. jimrich

    jimrich Active Member

    IMO, this is about boundaries. He has bad or unhealthy boundaries and you set up a healthy or normal boundary. You have the right to say NO to offensive behavior or boundaries and should not be guilty or afraid if others do not RESPECT your boundaries.

    Is it "guilt" or perhaps FEAR?

    Absolutely not and will only encourage him to impose unhealthy boundaries upon you and perhaps others. We are to love and forgive perfectly (whatever that means?) and also set up healthy boundaries.

    IMO, you are wrong for allowing him to impose unhealthy and offensive boundaries upon you and for failing to set up and enforce your own reasonable and healthy boundaries. I have no opinion about "spiritual vibrations" other than, it's your life and I'd do whatever I believe is RIGHT, if I were you.

    And this is what healthy boundaries are about - as a defense against stalkers or the unhealthy boundaries of others.

    I'm hoping the woman learned how to set up reasonable boundaries along with her kindness and niceness.

    I'm guessing Jesus would say, "Use common sense. Be friendly but not a victim of stalkers!"

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