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Death of a soulmate(spouse) : Single, Suicide or moving on in life?

Discussion in 'Spiritual Growth & Development' started by tobeornotbeQ, Feb 7, 2015.

  1. Firstly i think my post really needs to be separate from the pinned Suicide post. My post is rather personally relevant and asks a different question of suicide which is not general in nature.

    I lost my wife a few months back to cancer, she was my one true soulmate in life, she would put up with all my faults not some but all no matter how bad, she loved me till the day she died. She was loyal to the end and put my needs above her always, she understood me. She was generous to people who knew her but the universe seems to have it in for the best of us while allowing the stupid and selfish to remain. We were only together for five years in total and i now find myself alone. I'm personally a loner and have no friends to count on, my family are not existent.

    I was with my wife, brother and mother in law when she died in hospital gasping to breath, it is something i don't wish anybody to experience. Her family are supportive but they are overseas and ESL. They understand English and are pretty much like most people who don't understand soulmates, discussing these issues bring the same responses about moving on / staying strong etc

    Anyway to the point of this post, since her death i have considered staying single, suicide(catching the bus) or moving on. But from the point of her death, i summersied suicide would be the best option because i cant live without her, i dont want someone else, its like living with a part of your soul missing. Also since then I have been researching about death, ndes etc ( my wife saw ghosts at a young age and also heard Chinese music before her operation - which is suppose to imply the afterlife in Chinese culture although she was Christian).

    At the moment the only thing keeping me alive is a cat

    As for my belief, im at best 50/50, i either i face oblivion or i face an unknown afterlife.

    My decision is made but what have others done in the situation. I suppose this is hard considering some have suicided. But im interested in others responses to similar situations be they soulmates or just spouses, from what i have witnessed many marriages are not soulmates.
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2015
  2. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    I'll respond to the last point. I think it's right to surmise that many marriages are likely not between soulmates. Indeed marriage in this world might be less common if it were mainly soulmates who got married.

    Or maybe it is fairly common but soulmates don't talk about it hence we are not aware of it?
  3. janef

    janef Moderator

    Welcome to the forum, I am glad you found us! Sorry for your loss, but suicide is not the answer. The ones we have heard from (thru mediumship communication) say they are sorry, it was a mistake. Please find a grief support group. Please know she is only a thin veil away and you can still communicate with her. We are all going to join our loved ones in the Summerlands.
  4. I concur with Janef. Please try to find outside professional help first and give it fair try. Most hospitals have someone on staff 24 hours that you can talk to as a first step. And please share with us how things are going for you. You'll find people on this forum quite supportive.

    Your wife seems to have been in tune with the spiritual world. Hopefully you'll be able to get some communication from her.

    My heart goes out to you.
  5. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    Hi! I would just like to say that suicide is not the answer. If you were to kill yourself, it would cause a ripple effect so unimaginable that it would effect everybody whether you or the world realizes it or not. We are all connected and intertwined with one another in some way. If you were to hurt yourself, somebody somewhere will feel that same pain.

    Also I want to say that soul mates usually don't reincarnate together because they both will feel the exact same level of emotion at the same time which will distract you from your life chart. Your wife more than likely was a kindred spirit that was in your soul group. We have lived numerous of lifetimes with people who are in our soul groups. That may be why you felt extremely connected with your wife. I feel the same way about my child. You would do anything and cross over any galaxy in the universe just to be with them no matter what has happened (including suicide). But suicide is not the answer. You will only make matters worse not only for yourself, but for everybody else and I am sure you do not want that. I've witnessed the turmoil that people suffer through when suicide is committed. All of my closest friends has lost someone to suicide and they themselves felt the need to kill themselves afterwards. Surely you do not want that for the people around you. We also lost a member on this forum to suicide in which I have still not gotten over. I think you may need to sit down and allow things to sink in clearly.
  6. Carol and Mikey

    Carol and Mikey Golden Hearts

    Please please seek professional help! What Poeticblue and others are saying here is true. You leave a trail of devastation for many. Mikey tells me you feel what you leave behind and it is not a pleasant experience . Souls regret it when they realize what they have done. Please read the thread recently done by Types with fingers about suicide as well as Roberta's.
    I know how hard it is to lose someone you love so. I am so sorry you have to go through this. We are stronger in numbers and we can over come the grief if we try. They really are still close to us. I know it! Please seek help! Please.
    Carol and Mikey "in Spirit"
  7. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    You and I are in sort of similar situations. My husband died suddenly of an unexpected heart attack almost 2.5 years ago, one week to the day after our wedding. We had been together, in love and monogamous, for nearly 13 years.

    He is my soulmate. His soul and mine are intertwined, always will be, and his death has torn my soul apart. I'm sure you understand that. My husband is a wonderful person -- not perfect, by any means, as he had his petty faults just as we all do, but he was always kind and generous to everyone, funny, smart, and absolutely the perfect person for me, as I am the perfect person for him. I do have loving and supportive family, but I can tell you that in some ways that only makes this more difficult, as I know it would hurt them if I killed myself (I responded to your other post in the suicide thread in more detail regarding that).

    People who say "you need to move on", or "you need to stay strong" or "you charted this in your life", or any of those other clichés -- they do not understand what it is like to have your soulmate torn from you because they have never been in that position. Why anyone would get married or be in a long-term relationship with anyone who is not her/his soulmate I don't understand, but they do, and then when their spouse/partner dies they are generally sad, because they did care about the person, but they are not devastated because their soul has not been torn from them.

    I'm sorry your wife died in pain. At the same time, I am envious that at least you were with her -- I was not with my husband when he died, as he was not ill (or at least we didn't know he was), and the day he died he had gone to play a gig (he's a musician) and I stayed home to get some stuff done (errands, plus some things for the band -- the band consisted of my sister, her husband, my husband, and a friend of theirs). At least my sister and her husband were with my husband when he collapsed, and he spent his last day and last moments playing music, which he loved. Still, I was not there, and I wish I had been.

    I understand you considering suicide; I have too, and I honestly don't know if I will eventually end up doing it or not. If I don't, then I will spend the rest of my life alone (aside from family); I will never have another romantic/sexual relationship. I am married, to my beloved, and that will never change. None of this "till death do we part" bullshit for us -- it wasn't in our vows, and it isn't in our hearts. We are and always will be soulmates. The idea of even going on a date with anyone else is repulsive to me. There is no "moving on" when the person who died is your soulmate, at least not for me. So when you say that you can't live without your wife and that you don't want anyone else, and that it is like living with a part of your soul missing, I get that. It is the same for me. I am only alive because if I kill myself it will devastate my family (including our cat, who needs me to love him and take care of him, plus I promised my husband I would if anything ever happened to him), and because if there is an afterlife and a god I don't know if that god would attempt to prevent me from being with my husband if I killed myself.

    I concur with this: "..either I face oblivion or I face an unknown afterlife". I can only hope that whenever/however I die, there is an afterlife in which I will be reunited with my beloved. Even if there is no afterlife, if I take everyone & everything else out of the equation (family, cat, god, etc.), I would rather cease to exist altogether than continue to live without my husband.

    I would suggest that you take a lot of time to really think about this. I won't try to convince you not to do it, because I understand what it's like, but once you do it, that's it, so it seems to me that it's worth giving a lot of consideration as to what you actually want to do. Take your time and really consider; there's no harm in doing that. Whatever you do, I hope you find some peace.
  8. poeticblue

    poeticblue Moderator

    I know that I may come off abrupt about the things that I am passionate about. With that being said:

    I don't agree with you Bluebird. I've said it once and I will say it again: How dare you. Pain comes in all shapes and forms.

    You said: "People who say "you need to move on", or "you need to stay strong" or "you charted this in your life", or any of those other clichés -- they do not understand what it is like to have your soulmate torn from you because they have never been in that position"

    Really bluebird? "Cliche" you say? "They do not understand unless they have been in that position". Really bluebird?

    Where is your proof of this? Because I have known numerous of people who has lost their loving spouse and they aren't as pessimistic, negative, and an absolute downer like you are. I have known people who have lost their kindred spirit/soulmate, lost their home, their family, starving, abused, ect.... and yet I have never seen such a stink attitude that radiates such as yours. Did you apologize to Roberta about what you said to her in the other thread?

    You are not going to sit there and mock people who choose to see a more positive side because you choose to be miserable every single day. I understand that people have their bad days, weeks, and/or months... But you are on a whole different level in my opinion. Literally every single day.
  9. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    Yes, I know you don't agree with me. You and I don't seem to agree on much. So be it.

    "How dare I" what? How dare I disagree with you? I doubt that's what you mean, because you and I disagree all the time, but then what do you mean? Also, did I apologize to Roberta about what? What are you talking about?

    Yes, I said: "People who say "you need to move on", or "you need to stay strong" or "you charted this in your life", or any of those other clichés -- they do not understand what it is like to have your soulmate torn from you because they have never been in that position". Yes, really. That is what I believe. I know there are people who have lost a loving spouse and who are happy and able to be more positive about their lives. I do not believe those people really lost their soulmate, though, because I don't believe it is possible to be happy when your soulmate has died. I might be wrong about that, yes, but that is my opinion. Regardless, though, there are many people who were married/involved with someone who they never even felt was their soulmate, but with whom they had a good, loving relationship. What I'm saying is that it's easier (not necessarily easy, but easier) for those people to "move on" with their lives and possibly with other relationships, because their loss is not as great and all-encompassing. Similar to (though of course not exactly like) if a person's best friend of many years suddenly stops being friends with her/him, that is devastating, whereas if a secondary or tertiary friend, or an acquaintance, breaks off the friendship, it might be momentarily painful but not soul and life destroying.

    I don't have "proof", I am giving my opinion. I don't expect you to share it, I don't necessarily expect anyone else to share it -- it's an opinion. I'm not mocking anyone for seeing the positive in life -- hell, I used to be that person, before my husband died. If people can see the positive, good for them, seriously. There is no good in life for me anymore, and never will be, and yes, that is every second of every day until I can finally die.

    In his post, tobeornotbeQ said "My decision is made but what have others done in the situation. I suppose this is hard considering some have suicided. But im interested in others responses to similar situations be they soulmates or just spouses, from what i have witnessed many marriages are not soulmates." So I told him how I feel in my similar situation; I answered his query honestly.
    Monika likes this.
  10. I find a lot of what has been said here to be similar to the many various posts i have read being said to suicidal individuals across the net. From such as see a professional, find a support group etc. While the more spirituality inclined non Christians talk about disrupting spiritual plans, reincarnation groups and causing ripples etc. Making things worse..

    But i really don't see how people know how my ctb will make a difference, im in my mid 30s, i have no friends, no career and no job. the house i live in is rented and most of the possensions in it are my wifes. I was never big on accumulating personal possessions and often just get rid of stuff i had accumulated. According to my family history i will get cancer in the next 30 years and die. What plan im am upsetting? Actually i feel like im fulfilling a plan.

    Believe it or not i have had a connection to the "paranormal or what might be quantum communication", for some years i have had premonition dreaming and deja vou which concerned only our lives(me and my wife), without understanding the context they made little sense at the time and i dismissed them as dreams. But as my wifes illness progressed they all made sense, all a bit late in the scheme of things. But there is two things left that haven't happened me taking the cat with great sadness to a no kill shelter where she will be adopted out and my death experience, i dreamnt these before i even knew my wife had cancer but Ive seen them none the less.

    As such my tendentious beliefs of an afterlife, come not from any religion per sae but from genuine peoples experiences including my own be that deja vou, NDEs or there witnessing/ feeling the presence of ghosts. I don't try to view these through religions be they old or new although i do hold a contradictory belief in God and Jesus.

    As a side note: i must say i treat many of the mediums,psychics and nde experiencers who often write books with great suspicion, actually in honestly i think they are mainly frauds, Nde's for example are experiences which can often be explained in 3 to 4 paragraphs (nderf.org is a good example many appear genuine and are too the point), But then there are others who write books which drag into a couple of hundred pages claiming to have multiple NDES, these people represent everything that is wrong with this world, bullshit for the sake of money. I find people with genuine paranormal experiences of any kind don't look to make money with it and people who appear to have access to ghosts/afterlife don't like talking about it, many intentionally pursue normal lives .
  11. Waller

    Waller Banned

    Thank you for your yang. It greatly assists in validating my yin. :eek:
  12. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    Dear friend, I am so sorry. I sympathize deeply with your grief. I can imagine how terrible it is even to take another breath without your soulmate beside you, and I hate more than you can imagine to have to tough-love you about this now, but you cannot kill yourself without risking destroying your relationship with her. If you live your life, you should be able to keep her in your life; there are some, like our beloved Carol, who maintain intense and loving relationships with people we used to think were dead (email me through robertagrimes.com, and I will send you a PDF of The Fun of Staying in Touch). Then when your natural time to die arrives, she will come to your bedside - young and healthy and beautiful - and will take your hand and lead you into the eternal life of infinite love that both of you deserve. But if you kill yourself, the evidence indicates that you will almost certainly go off-track for what might be a very great deal of time in earth-terms. I'm sorry! Many who kill themselves at midlife wind up in what Jesus called the outer darkness level. Others remain earthbound. Or end up in "hollow heavens." Wherever they go, it can be very difficult to forgive yourself if you kill yourself in midlife, so the afterlife result of suicide is really anybody's guess.

    "As for my belief, im at best 50/50, i either i face oblivion or i face an unknown afterlife" isn't quite right. There is a third door, dear friend, and it is the door that opens when you commit suicide. Where it leads is a crap shoot! And your life - and hers - are too important for you to risk that.
  13. If you dont mind I have a few questions.

    Why do many suicide NDE experiences not represent this "punishment/disorder/chaos" you have presented?
    Suicide NDE often mention the same feelings of being surrounded in love and peace just like "normal ndes". Other psychics talk of hospital like levels to help suicides heal?

    What is a natural time to die?
    By our very exsistence we are products of God/Nature, In fact if you beleive in the bible we are made in his/its own image. That being so any action we carry out is natural and a reflection of God/nature or at least a component. How is the termination of our own biological lives any different.

    How do i know im killing myself in midlife?
    For all i know i might be destined to die a car crash a week or month later?

    Why would one find it difficult to forgive self killing?

    As i said i have no friends and no family, i want to catch the bus. There are things i need to be forgiven for but these are for my wife, God and Jesus to carry out. CTB would allow me access to such souls of beings, i would feel no guilt in commiting the act.

    I see you have mentioned off track and mentioned time passing but most NDE and psychics mention that time does not work the same if at all in the afterlife, experiencers often advise feeling or being advised of time working diffrently?

    Being honest i believe your teachings about suicide are wrong because they conflict with genuine experienced suicide ndes, Also your judgement/ communication with Jesus over suicide seems more clouded by traditional church teachings. You suggest my CTB leads me and wifes life to a crap shoot, but i feel its already been one.
  14. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member


    This is the second post of yours in which you've mentioned "CTB", which you seem to be using as a synonym for suicide. I am not familiar with that term, what does it stand for exactly? I tried googling, but got nothing useful.
  15. mac

    mac senior member Staff Member

    catchthebus or catchingthebus

    That's new to me too - intended to be less emotive than 'ending one's life' or 'suicide'?
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  16. bluebird

    bluebird Well-Known Member

    AH, ok. Thanks for explaining. ;)
  17. Waller

    Waller Banned

    Before you incarnated, your Higher Mind - who you really are - agreed, with the collective help of many others, to physicalize itself and follow specific set of paths or journeys in this physical, illusory existence. If suicide is part of that journey, so be it but be very, very certain that you use your free will in a manner consistent with the Higher Mind's need to experience your journey. I see no evidence that you have done so, that you recognize the physical illusion you are living or your purpose for existence in this physical plane. Until you do, then suicide is an option that cannot be balanced against your pre-life arrangements.

    Depending on the level of spiritual progress, there is the analogy of time (event leads to event to event and on and on) but there is no physical necessity for time (no sun, no Earth, no rotations and orbits). In the upper realms of the afterlife, there is no event continuity at all.
  18. I have no words to say that have not already been said, but I am very sorry for your loss and you have my utmost sympathy. If your cat is the only thing keeping you alive for now then have the cat be your life, until you can somehow find another reason to live as well. I agree with a lot of what has been said here. Reach out for the help that you need, let others be your lifeboat for the time being. Even if your cat and the people on these forums are all that you have, lean on us.
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2015
  19. RobertaGrimes

    RobertaGrimes Administrator

    To add to what Waller says, dear friend, please be aware that NDEs are not death, by definition. What happens during an NDE is exquisitely tailored to the needs of the experiencer, and this is particularly true of people who are attempting suicide: generally the primary wish is to inspire them to want to get back to living. A completed suicidal death is an entirely different kettle of petunias. There you would get to see what your whole planned life would have been, and you likely would regret very much indeed having blown your opportunity to do whatever important things were left in your life plan. It's impossible to know whether this is midlife for you, true, but if you die in a planned event next week then you will have lived your life. If you die by your own hand, you will have blown your life. Those who have died tell us that it is just that simple.

    I'm sorry. I hate to be stern with someone who is hurting so badly! But please, please understand how much love there is for you here - I love you! - and please let us help you make the rest of your life meaningful!!
  20. I would like to know how you know this?

    Your idea of death/Gods plans seems to follow old contradictory catholic/protestant church teachings.

    Catholics often say, oh it his/her time, god has a plan and has taken her to heaven to do something x.

    Protestant on the other hand argue God has plans but has also given us free will, often the free will or the devils influence is blamed for their death not Gods plan. This includes all manners of death especially ones which have resulted in an action that results in there death, such as drink driving/smoking.

    From what i can tell my life and its results are of my making. God/Jesus can influence ones life especially if you ask. But they don't like people who try to make deals with them. What i am saying is i don't think there are solid plans like you make out especially when it comes to ones death, in fact suicide like any event could be a part of a plan. like dominoes when you line them up and knock them over, if they are arranged correctly their effects then flow on to other domino's, life and death are no different. Just like you have said suicide has many flow on effects.

    The difference between you and me, is this is only what i think not what i know. If you believe you know what God and Jesus think and they talk with you about it then trust in that.

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