Confused and Depressed?

[Dandelion]

Hello! I'm extremely new to, well, everything - I'm only eighteen, after all, but I've been experiencing such severe anxiety and depression about death for the past 2/3 of a year I am simply at the end of my rope. I keep obsessing over the possibility of "not existing". What if I spend a (hopefully) long life doing amazing things and then just have it suddenly....end? The thought terrifies me, and when it consumes me and I try to picture it I just end up crying for weeks, in the worst depression I've ever experienced. This usually doesn't happen to me. I'm a very upbeat and intelligent girl (I just arrived at UC Berkeley, actually), and I feel like my extreme skepticism - I mean literally extreme, I cannot believe in ANYTHING at the moment - is probably partly a symptom of current American culture (I can't touch it or prove it so it can't be real) in addition to these horrible fears and wrenching what-ifs. Everything I read just seems to go in circles, people arguing for and against and on and on. I truly want to believe in the afterlife, but I've had literally nothing happen in my life, at least personally, to convince me otherwise. My grandma died in 2001 and I never had anything happen from her personally, but at the time I didn't need it, I think, because I was so sure she was fine. Now, I know absolutely nothing, and sometimes I wish she would come slap in the face with something so obvious I'd be left stunned to come up with any logical explanation because I adore and miss her so much. I am quite a scientific person, and have also been a spiritual person, apparently up until my final year of high school. No matter how much I read and research and think "yes, there absolutely has to be an afterlife", something always comes up to freak me out or worry me again. I just can't even function anymore. I can't do my homework because I just keep thinking how futile it is if I'll just stop one day, and I don't wonder why everyone else is looking for these answers either. College students just go around laughing and going through meaningless motions and tasks and it just makes me sick to think that there could be absolutely nothing after I die. I mean, what IS nothing? I get sick thinking about it.
I'm sorry for the desperate sound of this text; it's certainly not the happy introduction of myself I'm used to, but I feel like I'm going insane. It's terrifying.

[Roberta Grimes]

Hello! I'm extremely new to, well, everything - I'm only eighteen, after all, but I've been experiencing such severe anxiety and depression about death for the past 2/3 of a year I am simply at the end of my rope. I keep obsessing over the possibility of "not existing". What if I spend a (hopefully) long life doing amazing things and then just have it suddenly....end? The thought terrifies me, and when it consumes me and I try to picture it I just end up crying for weeks, in the worst depression I've ever experienced. This usually doesn't happen to me. I'm a very upbeat and intelligent girl (I just arrived at UC Berkeley, actually), and I feel like my extreme skepticism - I mean literally extreme, I cannot believe in ANYTHING at the moment - is probably partly a symptom of current American culture (I can't touch it or prove it so it can't be real) in addition to these horrible fears and wrenching what-ifs. Everything I read just seems to go in circles, people arguing for and against and on and on. I truly want to believe in the afterlife, but I've had literally nothing happen in my life, at least personally, to convince me otherwise. My grandma died in 2001 and I never had anything happen from her personally, but at the time I didn't need it, I think, because I was so sure she was fine. Now, I know absolutely nothing, and sometimes I wish she would come slap in the face with something so obvious I'd be left stunned to come up with any logical explanation because I adore and miss her so much. I am quite a scientific person, and have also been a spiritual person, apparently up until my final year of high school. No matter how much I read and research and think "yes, there absolutely has to be an afterlife", something always comes up to freak me out or worry me again. I just can't even function anymore. I can't do my homework because I just keep thinking how futile it is if I'll just stop one day, and I don't wonder why everyone else is looking for these answers either. College students just go around laughing and going through meaningless motions and tasks and it just makes me sick to think that there could be absolutely nothing after I die. I mean, what IS nothing? I get sick thinking about it.
I'm sorry for the desperate sound of this text; it's certainly not the happy introduction of myself I'm used to, but I feel like I'm going insane. It's terrifying.

Dear friend, I so want to hug you now - reading about your fear is heartbreaking! Please understand that what you are going through is a natural part of becoming an adult for many of us. I recall being terrified by precisely what scares you now - a fear of not existing - and that was even though I had an experience of light when I was eight years old, so I knew better. I have theories about why it happens at your age, and the different ways that people respond when they go through this terror of oblivion, but that won't help you. All that is going to help you now is learning all that you can about what really is going on! For starters:

1) You are an eternal being. You never began, and you never will end. I say this not to comfort you, but simply as a fact derived from decades of studying the afterlife evidence. Your mind was alive and aware for an eternity before you were born into this lifetime; your mind is aware in the afterlife realities for much of the time when you think you are asleep here; and your mind will enjoy an eternity of love and joy after this lifetime ends. Before you were born, you agreed to accept selective amnesia of your vast memories and your eternal nature so you would take this lifetime seriously, but those memories are there and you will have them again. You cannot ever end. For you, oblivion is impossible!

2) Mainstream science has the ability to work this all out, but still refuses to do so. Those of us who study the afterlife evidence also study basic quantum physics, and I assure you that the first quantum physicists understood the implications of their discoveries. The universe is a Mind-created illusion, and Max Planck (who received the Nobel Prize in 1918 for being the father of quantum physics) and his fellows got that fact. Then their successors proceeded to spend the past century trying to come up with some other explanation! Had atheism not been a fundamental dogma of mainstream science, dear Dandelion, you would have grown up with the understanding that your mind is eternal, so this silly obsession of mainstream science with atheism is a personal tragedy for you and for so many others. That makes me angry. And very little makes me angry at this point in my life!

3) Your grandmother is more alive than she ever was, and she loves you now more than ever! She may have prompted you to search for us so we could help to ease your fears; it wouldn't be the first time that has happened. She surely has been trying to communicate with you, but communication between there and here is tough! All the layers of reality are at different frequencies, so trying to communicate with the dead is a lot like the anchor of your local news show on channel 5 trying to communicate across the airwaves with the anchor of your local news on channel 7. Think how hard that would be! My grandmother died in 1962, when I was just 16 and clueless about communication. Her parlor always had a distinctive smell of her old-fashioned toilet water (cologne - that's what they called it then, believe it or not!). It smelled like lilacs and lilies of the valley. And for a couple of years after she died, I would unexpectedly get a whiff of that smell and think of her, but it didn't seem significant. Only decades later did I realize that producing familiar smells for us is one of the most common kinds of after-death communication! Coins, feathers, special songs, smells - there are things that the dead have learned through the eons to do across the dimensions so we will know they have survived.

I am about to get on a plane so I can't write more just now. I'll be back! And meanwhile, others will likely chime in. Please send me a private message with your name and address either through this website or through FunofDying.com (http://www.funofdying.com/), and as soon as I return to Austin I will send you copies of The Fun of Dying - Find Out What Really Happens Next! and R. Craig Hogan's Your Immortal Reality. I promise you, dear beautiful Dandelion - your fears will go away and you are going to be happier in your life than you can now imagine ;-)!

[RudeAwakening]

Hi Dandelion,

You came to the right place and that was no accident. I know this will sound a little trite and doesn’t help much right now, but hang in there, it gets better. Your feelings are not uncommon and I remember that feeling of hopelessness and despair very well. When I was 25 years old I went through a severe and lengthy depression that stemmed from a fear of life rather than the fear of death or nonexistence. I can’t help but think the two fears are closely associated as all I could feel at that time was a paralyzing and dawning realization of how difficult and pointless life suddenly seemed to me. Prior to that I’d never given much thought to the meaning of life or death, so that depression got a good grip on me.

The way you feel right now can be so all consuming at times, no matter how hard you fight to overcome it, it doesn’t seem to help. But, you need to know that you will work through this and emerge stronger and able to deal more effectively with life’s challenges. This sounds very much like your first real hurdle or obstacle that’s been placed in your path for you to deal with. As silly as this might sound, it’s all part of the program in the play of life.

“All the world’s indeed a stage and we are merely players.” The fact that you are here asking these questions shows how far you are ahead of your peers, see yourself in this way right now and take life one hour at a time. Seek out thoughtful, intelligent spiritual people at your university, people like yourself along with a variety of others. You may identify better with older people. Before you realize what’s happened you will no longer be acutely aware of these questions that plague so much of humanity. Like Roberta said, so many are victims of the illusions and misconceptions of the material world. Give yourself time to grow and try not to take it all so seriously. You will be fine Dandelion, one foot in front of the other. You will always remember what you're feeling now and that memory will help you a great deal in the future.

There’s so much experience on this forum with the spiritual world. My own experiences have left no doubt in my mind of the greater reality. I have no fear of death, but I am much older than you; life on the other hand has it challenges.

Stay with us, you’ll be fine. We know lots of things here. :)

[vic smyth]

Dandelion, From what you've written, I'm concerned that you might be experiencing more than the usual bout of existential angst. May I be so bold as to suggest that you speak to a professional about your depression if you haven't already? Usually they'll want you to get a physical checkup to rule out a physical cause to your depression. I'm sure your school has resources. Once you rule out physical causes to your depression, then you can follow all the advice of the wonderful people on this forum and work through your angst.

With Lovingkindness (metta (http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/buddharakkhita/wheel365.html#intro)),
vic

[Dandelion]

Thank you very much for your concern and comments. Everyone I've talked to about it says it's definitely going to be a long road, but eventually they've found their answer, and they all came away with some belief or knowledge in some form of afterlife. I'm just so full of doubts and skepticism that it just seriously...sucks. I guess there's no other word for it! I guess at my stage, that knowledge is incomprehensible. I don't understand how people can just know something like that, while all I know is nothing. There are so many conflicting interpretations of everything. It's quite frustrating, really.

I'll definitely be sticking around, because there must be some way for me to find a knowledge too. I certainly can't give up on that.

And I have indeed been to a counselor, but since I moved I haven't had a chance to find a new one. We never got around to seeing if there might be some serotonin-deficiencies going on, but it's definitely still a possibility.

[Carol and Mikey]

Dandelion,
We are concerned for you. We want to help. Mikey my son (who is in Heaven and very much alive) wants you to think about this: look around you and see everything on earth that is there. The trees, the flowers, the mountains, the animals, the ocean, the rivers....everything. This is what God has made for your spiritual growth. In Heaven you looked at all this and decided to come here and learn. You were already living before you came! You are you always and forever. :) Trust Mikey on that! Knowledge of eternal life is everywhere if you're open to checking it out. Please do. :)
There are people with good knowledge on this forum. Also I agree with Vic that you get professional help as needed. We want you to feel better and be safe. Sending tons of love to you!
Carol and Mikey "in Spirit"

[Dandelion]

That's certainly something to think about indeed, and I am doing my best to find my own knowledge of eternal life. I certainly won't be able to rest until I do. :) It's really awesome that you're in contact with Mikey, too! How did that come about?

Thank you for the love, I definitely need it right now. :)

[Carol and Mikey]

My story is on Eternity For All Radio Show. I did 2 interviews in October. It is on the internet. Andrew and Roberta from this forum do the show. Check it out when you have time. I truly feel it will help you know that love never dies and life is eternal!
Carol

[Birki]

Hi Dandelion,

Welcome to the forum! I agree with the others, some of what you are experiencing is a normal part of becoming an adult. I too for a long time thought how could anything exist after we die? It has taken me a long time to coming to a "knowing" that we do. But, I agree with vic and Carol and Mikey, I think what you have described may go deeper and I strongly encourage you to seek help. I actually work with college students having academic difficulties at a large midwestern state university. I am concerned that this fear of non-existence seems to be interferring with your homework and ability to be a successful college student. I encourage you to contact University Health Services at your school: http://uhs.berkeley.edu/. They are available to you and can help you with medical and mental health issues. Please do keep checking in with us and learning and growing. In the meantime, don't let fear stop you from living a full life.

[Dandelion]

I listened to both segments of the radio show, Carol, and it really did help! I have countless questions, obviously, but I feel like you're so authentic, especially because you're completely normal and this was entirely unexpected. Your story is amazing. :) I've always wanted some confirmation like that, but I don't know. My grandma is so no-nonsense I bet she was fine to just move along and hopefully meet my grandpa again (he died when I was a few months old, but they were both serious, down-to-earth, amazing people from what I've gathered from my mom). It's probably silly to ask if someone could, I don't know, try to contact them...I don't know if I'd believe it if they could, anyway. It would have to be some seriously convincing stuff. :P I've always been extremely wary about the idea of mediums and the like, though my mom thinks there are a rare few who truly have a gift. I have no idea where my grandparents would be right now, or even if I know for a fact we all continue on doing awesome stuff into the eternities. I certainly hope so, but it takes more than hope for someone as obnoxiously stubborn and questioning as I am. I want truth. :D

And thank you very much for your concern, Birki. I'll do my best to look into some counseling to determine any other causes to my problems as well.

[Carol and Mikey]

Dandelion,
After Mikey's accident, I had to KNOW without a doubt he was still with me. That he still existed. I knew what was happening around me was him! What really helped me was when I had witnesses to what I was experiencing. Good validation to what was happening. I know there are good mediums out there. And there are fakes. I am a mom who recieved a gift. I feel very lucky to be able to talk to my son. I wish I could show you how I do this because you can "see" with your own eyes how he spells things. I hope to get a small video of this on the forum at some point so people can "see this". I will be in Pheonix in April for the Afterlife Communication Conference. If your in town I would be happy to show you. All I can say is life is truly eternal! You are you forever! :)
Carol

[Dandelion]

A video would definitely be great! I think I understood the gist of it from the interview, but seeing it would really solidify the truth. I wish I could come to Phoenix, but I don't think I have any transportation or even the time, I think I'll still be in school. I would love to aee/hear/in some way hear what happened, though. :D
And thank you for sharing your affirmation and knowledge. I really want to believe that we are eternal. :)

[RudeAwakening]

Dandelion, I really can't think of anything more convincing of the fact that we survive death than a good reading from a good medium. I knew before I lost my mother that we survived our death and were like they say, spiritual beings having a human experience. But like Carol, I had to know my mother was ok. 18 months after she crossed over I had an hour long in person reading with a very talented young medium. I prepared myself and the spirit world well ahead of time for this and during that hour my mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, several cats, a friend that had passed and another friends father who I had personally invited before hand all came through loud and clear. I have a CD of this reading and also the phone reading I had with her a couple months ago. She tapes it and sends it to you.

This young girl taps right into the spirit world with ease and appears to interpret the messages from her contact quite well. Prior to the reading, before I ever left Vegas I asked my mother several times to identify "the rose on the pillow." At one point the medium started blurting out "rose rose rose, what's the rose please?" That reading changed my life. I knew before that a greater reality existed, I'd been obvserving it up close and personal for many years before, but it wasn't until my mother's death that I began to research it. Oddly enough, I always knew that one day I would research it, I'm very glad I did not know the reason why, but there was always a sense of dread about what all the prep work had been about. You can't be exposed to as much of the spiritual world as I was for no reason, I was pretty sure of that. Anyway here were are. The medium I use makes a CD of the reading. Your mother would no doubt recognize her parents. She does phone readings very reasonable. You can find her website and WillaWhite.com

[Andrew]

I agree with Rude Awakening, dear Dandelion! The best confirmations are often personal validations, such as medium readings. I, too, would highly recommend that you go to medium for a reading. Even phone mediums can work wonders, so it doesn't matter if there are none near you! I have listened to part of a recording with Willa White as well and, she seems extremely thorough and is certainly the real thing.

Good luck!

[vic smyth]

Dandelion, if you're a scientifically minded skeptic (I view doubt as a good, healthy quality), Gary E. Schwartz, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, has done some very solid research on mediums and the afterlife. He has a number of books out. You seem to be someone who is open minded. Reading his book on the afterlife, I'm confident, will nudge you a little closer towards belief. (As will the books by Roberta Grimes and Craig Hogan found on this site.)

With Lovingkindness (metta (http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/buddharakkhita/wheel365.html#intro)),
vic

[Andrew]

Great suggestion, Vic! I don't think I've read his books, but he is certainly an interesting, and credible figure!

[Dandelion]

Thanks very much for all the advice and suggestions! The medium sounds like a really good idea, especially the convenience of the phone reading. And I am indeed a scientifically-minded skeptic, but I would consider myself a skeptical believer. I would like to become a skeptical knower. :) I'll have to check out those books!